I do not know how I got here, but I think it might be a place for finding help.
I feel like I have no value, and that I’d be better dead than walking around spreading negativity, sadness and low mood to my partner and my family. I am so anxious and unsettled that I feel physical pain. My chest is constantly aching, I feel nauseous and cold sweats.
I have been applying for jobs - trying to get out of my current role for over 6 months now - and have entered a descending path to a place where I have been proved to have no value whatsoever. Last week I received a feedback from an interviewer (who used to be my manager at a different company) where I was told that if I were that good, why it didn’t show in any aspect of my interview? I have been through several rounds of final stages to not even getting a feedback and find out that someone else had more talent, experience, value, attitude, confidence and took the role. I had the dream opportunity to go to a final round with a big firm and that would enable the little dreams I had left to come true to find an email saying that I was not fit for the role. Day after day, the amount of “no, we cannot advance with your application”, or no, unfortunately we will not advance with your application” is despairing, and a reassurance that I really have no worth.
I am so out of myself at the moment that I do not know what to expect. I have decided that the only thing I can control is when I’m going to die, and that made me very sad, although I am beyond suicidal now. I feel I am just a disappointment, and to be honest, I cannot find any value in anything I actually do. For a while now I only bring sadness and negativity to my relationship. My partner is constantly reminding me about how he feels lonely as I don’t talk much and do not partake in couple activities - and how I have become a void of sadness.
I went to the parks yesterday and realised that I do not have what it takes to be around anymore. I feel that all the joy, that special thing I could see in the people laughing and having a good time have abandoned me for good. What is the point of even keeping trying? I do not see why to carry on. I have nothing to look forward to. I do not have dreams, and this is one of the saddest things. If there are no dreams, why should I bother?
I cannot even die as it is too expensive and would be a further burden to my family. I am stuck in a situation and life that I despise. I hate who I am, I hate having to be this person, and I do not know how to make peace with all of this. I only fell sadness, darkness and emptiness. I do not expect any response to all of this weakness and mumbling l, and would feel horrendous knowing that I evoke pity.