I think I need help

[joe_look]

Hi there,

I do not know how I got here, but I think it might be a place for finding help.

I feel like I have no value, and that I’d be better dead than walking around spreading negativity, sadness and low mood to my partner and my family. I am so anxious and unsettled that I feel physical pain. My chest is constantly aching, I feel nauseous and cold sweats.

I have been applying for jobs - trying to get out of my current role for over 6 months now - and have entered a descending path to a place where I have been proved to have no value whatsoever. Last week I received a feedback from an interviewer (who used to be my manager at a different company) where I was told that if I were that good, why it didn’t show in any aspect of my interview? I have been through several rounds of final stages to not even getting a feedback and find out that someone else had more talent, experience, value, attitude, confidence and took the role. I had the dream opportunity to go to a final round with a big firm and that would enable the little dreams I had left to come true to find an email saying that I was not fit for the role. Day after day, the amount of “no, we cannot advance with your application”, or no, unfortunately we will not advance with your application” is despairing, and a reassurance that I really have no worth.

I am so out of myself at the moment that I do not know what to expect. I have decided that the only thing I can control is when I’m going to die, and that made me very sad, although I am beyond suicidal now. I feel I am just a disappointment, and to be honest, I cannot find any value in anything I actually do. For a while now I only bring sadness and negativity to my relationship. My partner is constantly reminding me about how he feels lonely as I don’t talk much and do not partake in couple activities - and how I have become a void of sadness.

I went to the parks yesterday and realised that I do not have what it takes to be around anymore. I feel that all the joy, that special thing I could see in the people laughing and having a good time have abandoned me for good. What is the point of even keeping trying? I do not see why to carry on. I have nothing to look forward to. I do not have dreams, and this is one of the saddest things. If there are no dreams, why should I bother?

I cannot even die as it is too expensive and would be a further burden to my family. I am stuck in a situation and life that I despise. I hate who I am, I hate having to be this person, and I do not know how to make peace with all of this. I only fell sadness, darkness and emptiness. I do not expect any response to all of this weakness and mumbling l, and would feel horrendous knowing that I evoke pity.

[Vanessa707]

Hi Joe, I just read your post and just want to say Thankyou so so much for sharing. I feel quite the same.

The unmotivation comes and goes for me. One minute I feel good then I feel like shit. I’m going to be honest with you, I feel like you are extremely hard on yourself. Just because you don’t get the job you want at the right timing does not mean that you are a failure. Obstacles will come your way and yeah sometimes you won’t get that job you want right away. But if you just keep pushing keep trying keep having that faith I will promise you that will land that job. No matter how many times you fail, what matters is if you pick yourself back and tell yourself “ I am worth it and I can get through anything”. I know it’s difficult trust me but you are so hard on yourself. Joe you are so special, I feel like you have sooo much to give. You have so much potential. Don’t let somebody else tell you otherwise.

You are a hard worker. We will get through this together but you have to promise me you will never give up. You got this joe, I believe in you

[HeartLove2]

Hey Joe,

I understand what you're feeling, too. Currently I am between jobs so the job hunting is close to my heart today. I am also getting many 'No thank you' emails from employers. When you mentioned a big firm, I wonder if you're in law. It can take months to find the right gig. So when I fall out of an opportunity, I convince myself it would have been a poor fit.

Anyway, I just got myself through a very dark time, that black hole of no self-worth. To do this, I force myself to get out of the house and walk. I leaned into someone who helped me build up my esteem. I created an esteem journal to remind myself that I learned fluent Spanish, I learned to play music on the trombone to the award level, I graduated from Big Ten college - no one can take those things from me.

Please lean into me, into us - this community. My last employment situation was very toxic. I took on the work stress personally and went into a very dark place as greedy corporate jerks played me as a pawn. A vice president in Ireland decided to fire me without cause. they slandered my name saying that I was incompetent and didn't even know how to hire a talented individuals. It was humiliating. The final straw was when they called me into a public team event and shamed me publicly. Holy crap, never saw that coming when I took the job.

That said, tell me or tell someone. Do not bottle up the negative feelings. When I put my attention on other people, that helps. When I create a healthy distraction for myself, like recreation with a friend, that helps me train my thoughts to be positive.

You are loved!!! You are valued just for who you are, the way you think, the way you interact with other people.