My husband and I were married for 16 years and got divorced-the last time we were intimate was in 2013 There was almost infidelity on my part, my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive (not as a result of my actions). Then we went and remarried in 2017 because I had no insurance and he agreed to marry me to cover an extensive hospitalization and surgeries; in exchange, I, of course, received no more alimony.
In 2018 I moved back in with him to help take care of our teenage daughter. Everything started out fine-I was a roommate there to help out, I paid rent, etc.-then I became really sick and came very close to dying. He took care of me during my recovery at his home and wouldn't you know it I caught feelings for him again, and for awhile he returned them by kissing and hugging. Then he pulled away and I still have feelings, and he doesn't.
It's AWFUL to live with someone you love who has no use for you. I wonder if it isn't better to be alone?? I'm reminded over and over again how he's NOT attracted to me in any way, has no feelings for me, that he never will have feelings for me, etc. He ridicules and verbally abuses me whenever he can. When he's not ignoring me completely and treating me as if I'm a nuisance in the house. I've tried to kill myself in the past by mixing various high doses of pills and alcohol b/c I can't stop the awful pain I feel inside me and I absolutely loathe myself. I hate everything about myself, but I keep waking up still alive.
I was planning to leave, somehow, but then this Covid 19 virus came and I lost my job and can't find another one, much less a place to live. I have no relatives left alive. My husband works at an "essential business" and I am immunosuppressed with blood clots and severe asthma, and I worry constantly about him bringing the virus home because his job involves working with truck drivers who go on trips nationwide. I mostly take pills and sleep 12+ hours per day to escape and b/c I'm so sad and anxious. We've gone to counseling to try to cool his anger toward me, but it hasn't helped. And now we can't go any longer.
I don't know what to do! I'm in this house with this man who loathes me nearly as much as I loathe myself. Half of me wishes death and the other half is scared of dying.I'm so depressed and I already take pills for it. I feel trapped on all sides, and completely unloved. Please help!