Rant: overwhelmed (again)

[Rose109]

Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression, eating disorders

Hi everyone,

I’ll start with a positive, so I am getting an assessment with a mental health team after opening up to my mum about my suicidal thoughts which led to her accompanying me to the doctors.

Also to anyone to answered my last alcohol post, I have only drunk once since, two glasses of Prosecco (with my grandma lol) and have put my foot down with others in terms of not wanting to drink and sticking to my limits.

Now for the rant- since opening up about my suicidal thoughts I have been up and down but mainly felt things getting better, however today I woke up just feeling rubbish (would use another word but keeping it pg). My first question is how do you get through the day or make it better when you have woken up already depressed? I thought work might distract me but I still feel on the verge of tears now and my distress is coming out in other symptoms such as muscle tension and ibs flare ups.

I have a worry of money all the time, which has come since meeting my boyfriend who is very conscious of saving money and us having a god future together, we are 19, he also has a lot more money than my family do. I start worrying about this, I got triggered after paying for a necessary trip, and then my thoughts spiral. Next I worried that I will need a good job in the future, then it’s but I don’t know what I want to do, then it’s god I have no direction and will go nowhere and my family and boyfriend will not like that. Then it ends with I’m not good enough.

I feel constantly stuck with everyone’s expectations, even though my mum tells me not to worry about that. I want to be a teacher but I think my boyfriend will look down on that as they aren’t paid much, but since wanting to end my life last week all I want is to be happy.

Another major thing that comes from not feeling good enough is my appearance and I have wanted to binge all day long, we have only healthy food in the house luckily but the urge is so painful and every meal is a struggle. I wish I could look at food as food and not feel that it will make me a fat (not saying this is bad it’s just how my brain works) person, a bad person etc.

Bit of an incoherent rant but if anyone has any advice on the topics I’ve covered please let me know.

Hope you have a good evening x

[Krasykat]

Your boyfriend, his family etc are not feeling what you are feeling therefore they have no idea how you react/ respond to situations. Worrying about the future can be distressing and make the present seem more challenging. I would not worry about money and meeting your boyfriends expectations for the future. I would worry about now and what makes you feel better and no worry about other people’s wants and needs. As for the eating problems I would seek help for those individually as they may be harder to over come. Try to exercise if possible not to change your opinion but as a feel good factor. As

For the suicidal thoughts etc try medication and distraction is key- remember they are just thoughts that does not mean you want or need to act on them.

Wish you all the best x

[Rose109 in reply to Krasykat]

Thank you very much for your response 

[Krasykat in reply to Rose109]

Ur welcome

[Rose109]

Thank you very much for your response