My mental state

[KayaReece]

I feel very damaged, hence the title. I've struggled a lot with myself for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I believed to be far happier, but that's not true. I had a lot of issues as a kid such as anxiety and having difficulty with falling asleep. I also had this obsession with being perfect because I didn't want anyone to know how horrible my personal life actually was, especially at home. I kept up an appearance and that's all that mattered, I did what would make others happy so that they don't ever question my real intentions. To be doing this as a kid, I'd like to think I had to be pretty damn messed up. I also studied people a lot and how they acted, soon enough I'd catch myself imitating to people such as how they laugh or sound/think like. Which is what made it easier for me to keep up an appearance. Then puberty hit and so did depression. At first, I would act depressed so I could "fit in", not too long after that I realized that I am actually very depressed whilst others were just going through a phase. I'd sleep 24/7 to avoid life. I'd begun to care less about what people say or think, I quit every sport that I played and I began arguing with my parents, a lot. It's like reversed. As a kid, I was far more responsible and far more serious. Now, joking around is my defense mechanism for how much I've actually messed myself up. There's nothing more terrifying than when you can't bring yourself to care or do things and constantly feel numb or tired. I can't seek professional help so you guys are all I have right now, feel free to advise/share your own personal experiences with similar matters if any.

[hypercat54]

Hi it sounds to me like you could be suffering from dissociation. This is when our minds become numb to avoid painful feelings and emotions. I also wonder if you were validated enough as a child? Whether you were able to be your true self or felt you had to hide the real you in order to survive?

I often felt like you until I came across CEN (childhood emotional neglect) as I realised that I was never validated as a child and as a consequence have suffered from depression since the age of around 7/8. I can send you some links to this if you want. x

[KayaReece in reply to hypercat54]

If it isn't a problem that'd be great. This is the first time I'm hearing of dissociation and it sounds a lot like my own mental state. I have a very hard time crying when something bad happens, and I can rarely get angry. Even when I do get angry/upset it lasts for like a minute and then numbness takes over. Most of the time I'm just very calm, but the only emotion that can last for a while for me and one that I hate feeling more than anything is guilt, I rarely feel guilty but when I do it's almost suffocating. I might've not been validated enough for my good qualities, it seems that people pay far more attention to negative qualities than good ones, hence the enforcement of more negative behavior. Another issue is that after my parents' divorce, going back and forth and having to cry myself to sleep every night had eventually made me numb to it all. My brother is similar to me in the sense that he is also hardly ever fazed by things. However, for him, the most prominent emotion is anger rather than guilt and we both confront problems in a very detached manner. I am a bit more in tune with emotions in general, due always keeping up "false appearances" and wanting to understand/relate to people better.

[hypercat54 in reply to KayaReece]

Yes sounds familiar. Here are the links

drjonicewebb.com/about-emot...

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disso...

psychcentral.com/

I have included the last one as there is a lot of good information there too.

I hope these help. x

[Jamie2018 in reply to hypercat54]

I think I may suffer from this too.my father wasn't home much always working and my mother was overly protective and insecure and always worried about e everything. I was never encouraged to do anything a d parents never participated with me. Never played with me just had me and protected me from bad things a d lived there life. I remember mom covering my eyes during a movie scene where she thought it would scare me . Another time she wouldn't bring me to a funeral to prevent me from being upset I guess. What do you think? I think she wasn't letting me face reality. There is so much more but I can't write a book right now. Would love to have you respond to me. Thanks

[hypercat54 in reply to Jamie2018]

Hi it sounds like your mother was anxious and transferred this on to you. I became depressed around the age of 7/8 coz I was never allowed to show my emotions especially negative ones. I had to learn to be someone else and dissociate from my feelings in order to survive. Of course I carried this on into adulthood and it wasn't until I got some counselling that I began to heal.

I only discovered CEN last year and was like Omg! That fits me to a tee and it explained where my depression came from - never being validated as a child.

I hope the links are as helpful to you as they are to me. x

[Jamie2018 in reply to hypercat54]

I've read them and can associate with what they are saying. I've always felt different like something is wrong with me and I'm not like other people. I had severe depression and anxiety and depersonalition after having my first child 35 years ago. I had counciling and medication and was better than before but still have trouble coping when things In my life go wrong. I've been off meds and always have to go back on them and probably be on them the rest of my life. I dont like depending on anti depressants but I'm ok with it that depression is so horrible dont wish it on anybody. Thanks for responding and hope you are feeling good now. Is your mother still alive? If so how is your relationship with her? I love my mom but sometimes dont like being around her she gets me depressed.

[hypercat54 in reply to Jamie2018]

No my mother is dead now but strangely enough we forged a better relationship when she was in her final few years. She hated my father and because I looked most like him and was closest to him would attribute his negative traits onto me. A continual refrain was 'Are you up to your tricks again, you are just like your father' always said with a look of hatred and with a nasty sneer. I never knew what she meant but it hurt enormously. She was very bitter.

When she was in a care home she actually turned to me one day and said in surprise 'You are nothing like your father are you'? I said 'Hallejuh mum it's only taken you 50 years to realise that'!

I long ago learned to keep strong emotional bounderies between us and looked for love and approval elsewhere. I kept my physical distance from her from her as well. I suggest you do the same with your mother.

Oh and by the way you are not different from many of us as there are lots like us out there! x

[Jamie2018 in reply to hypercat54]

O thank you! Your very sweet!

Have a good day.

[hypercat54 in reply to Jamie2018]

Sweet? I hope not. I thought I hid it well xx

[JoanellaJ in reply to hypercat54]

Go see a counselor they can help.. read hope prevails by dr. Michelle bengston

She suffered too...