One of the things I value more than anything else is honesty, I hate deceit. That makes this post so hard to type. When I was in hospital last year one of the biggest issues we processed was growing up in a family where my Dad and an older brother were pedophiles. Even typing that is hard. Unfortunately the first aid officer at the under 13 football team was also a pedophile.
I have truly forgiven them and they no longer have a hold on me. My dad and the football guy both died prematurely.
What I cannot shake though is the effect this abuse has had on my sexuality. I recall a time when I wondered if I was gay, even though I had never heard of homosexuality or understood it. It was a puzzling time because I liked girls too, even though I was wary of them. I think much of that wariness came from my Mothers violent nature. As much as she beat and burnt me, that was mild compared to the fact she shot and killed my grandfather in self defence.
I have been married 34 years and my wife knows about my conflicted desires. Desires, as a Pastor, I can never allow to be explored. I don’t think there is any solution. I suspect my psychologist was heading towards going with the flow and allowing my desires to be indulged. That can’t happen.
I don’t think there is a solution other than just saying no.
I did need to be transparent though and at least tell someone.