Here it goes again

[MJSM]

I'm here because I'm lost. For years I've fought on and off with depression and anxiety and once I've battled through one, the other appears to knock me back down again. It's 2.45am, I can't sleep, my head hurts and I'm stressed. I can normally battle my way through, I'm always so tired I generally sleep easily and raising two children alone will do that to you, but at these times I just can't, I can't get comfy, my head is swimming with everything I'm worrying about and I feel a little hopeless. I've considered googling suicide, I don't want to be here and I can no longer tell whether it's just the situation I'm in or if I'm done with life completely. I know when my depression started, I know exactly what will set it off, and I know that sometimes nothing sets it off it just comes, takes over everything. I know I can get through it but I'm tired of battling through it, it's a fight and it's tiring and I think I'm too tired to do it again.

[sweetiepye]

Hello MJSM, I don't imagine anyone could handle all of that without feeling tired and over whelmed , and isn't that just when anxiety and depression attack ? Know it for what it is. It's a part of you, the negative side, which we all have, but we can't let it control us. Anything you can do to feed your positive side do and remind yourself that the negative is not in control. When you are feeling over whelmed, pull back a little, don't expect so much of yourself. You can make it up later or not at all. You are going to have to be your own advocate and of course we on site will walk with you. When you are having repetitive thoughts or are feeling bad in general write it down and get it out. It will help you feel more in control. After a time you will see the patterns in your life although it sounds as if you might already be aware. We are all works in progress . Sweet dreams . Pam

[mz_rachel]

We’re here for you. We all struggle please know that.

[Eian59]

Hi MJSM

It's hard when you have to fight against it every , but you can do it and the good thing is there are sites like this where you can get help or just clear your head. I was fed up fighting it daily thinking I was alone until I came to this site. We are all different but the support here is great even just to talk. Hope you feel better soon we are here if you need to talk.

[gdhlth]

This is a fight all too familiar to me as well. And yes you can do it. Yes you can fight again and you have to. If not for yourself, think of your 2 children. Think of leaving them alone and unprotected. They need you and you have no right to give up on them. Keep fighting. There is a light at the end of the tunnel believe me. It might seem hard, harsh and difficult to get there, but it's there.

Maybe take some pills to help you relax? I have been using some natural extracts and they have been helpful to me

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello MJSM and welcome to this community.

So sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. As you see our members here are very supportive and have given you some good advice and the benefit of their experience.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Would it perhaps help to tell us just a little more about what is worrying you at the moment and what your situation is? I realise that you are on your own with your two children.

Maybe a chat with your doctor or mental health professional would be good at this point.

Have a look around the site where you will find a lot of good information.

If you need immediate help please follow the link below

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

and If you are not in the UK this link provides international support

healthunlocked.com/mental-h...

Please keep talking to us here and we will support you as much as we can.

[mister-triangle]

Get you your GP. As soon as you possibly can. There’s help out there for you.

[Idek_2002]

Hey, i understand what you mean I experience the same at times and it’s a horrible feeling but try not to let it control your day, and you have to stay strong as much as it’s hard right now try to stay strong and try to get the negative thoughts out of your mind, try not to put a lot of pressure on yourself hope you start feeling better, here for you xx

[blueraku]

Hey, you say you know what started your depression, can I ask what it was?

[Stilltrying_ in reply to blueraku]

I'm with you there. I would like to know what started the depression as that will be the root of it and its important to know what the root is so you can get to the bottom of things and start to recover.

[blueraku in reply to Stilltrying_]

Well in my case it was trauma, but I thought it was important detail for OP in this thread ^ _ ^

[MJSM in reply to blueraku]

Several things are the reason for my depression, on top of not being able to handle emotions very well. I lost my nan when I was thirteen, I didn't grieve well and struggled. She was and still is my favourite person, someone I felt was the only one who really accepted me as I was. Understood me without even having to say so. I've always felt when things get bad she is the one I want to talk to and be with so maybe I should join her. I know that's not what she would have wanted though. On top of this I'm now raising my two children alone and have been for almost 4 years. I would have it no other way, I adore my children and honestly don't find it that hard on my own. We are a team and very close to each other. It works. Their dad however has nothing to do with them, I struggle with this and how it makes me feels, as well as my daughter struggling with the fact she no longer sees her dad. It breaks my heart repeatedly. And yes, I'm well aware that if I go, she'll have no parent. But i feel guilt that I chose a man who would not honour his responsibility to his daughter, I feel somehow it's my fault, I feel not good enough sometimes. There is almost nothing I can do to ease things for her accept be there, but when that feels not enough, again I struggle. I live in place where people feel the need to constantly stick their nose in other people's business. Over these past four years I have had a lot of stick off people who know nothing of the situation. My ex partner remarried, but to an awful woman who refuses to accept his has two children he has a responsibility for and has done everything she can to sabotage my kids relationship their dad. I do not blame her solely, it is also down to him to draw a line. When someone you thought you knew well for a long time turns out to be the complete opposite, it's hard to deal with. I do not understand his actions. I would never leave my children, no matter how bad the thoughts get, but I am tired of the thoughts. I am just tired.

[blueraku in reply to MJSM]

Hi MJ, I definitely get the feelings of having someone turn out to be a different person than you thought they were and I know how hard it is to distance yourself for these feelings. It’s like they betray you and there is no closure so you keep yourself in this upset state continuously I find.

Have you tried somatic experiencing? I feel like it’s something that really everybody would benefit from, but especially traumatised people. I feel like maybe you need help processing your grandma’s passing, seems like she was your safe person and you had much love for her but you may not have had the space to process properly and it’s not healthy to have that stuck in you. I don’t know if I’m describing this properly, I hope I’m making sense.

Somatic experiencing is a lot about processing things (that you may or may not be aware of that are the source of your feelings of being stuck in negative feelings, patterns, behaviours etc that affect your life) and learning to live a fuller life.

[Hidden]

Hello Welcome

Suicide is not really practical, what would happen with your two children. I tried to take my Life about ten years ago it was an error I am still paying the Piper for, in your case you have two children, consider what would happen if you did manage this, what would be a possible selfish act where your children would know how you took the easy way out.

Because of above you need to discuss your needs and fears, with depression with your GP. a Treatment Pathway may be afforded. Try diverting your thoughts MINDFULNESS comes to mind this Relaxation Technique before bed may help you sleep, if you are taking ADs some can act as a aid to sleep, take them around one hour before bed.

BOB

[MJSM in reply to Hidden]

I'm more than aware of what a selfish act it would be to take my life and leave my two children without a mother. When you're that depressed you feel you do no good for anyone around you, it only adds to my guilt and then in turn my depression and suicidal thoughts. A vicious cycle I'm trying my hardest to break. I can't get out what's in my head what help would this place be? I don't need to be told I'm being selfish when I feel guilt everyday for what goes through my head. Try a gentler approach.

[Hidden in reply to MJSM]

MJSM

Sad to say Suicide is not for a gentler approach. In my case recovery to bring me back was not gentle. The attitude of A and E was concern that I had tried and the actions they had to perform and inform.

Generally speaking, next day there was no sympathy as such from my GP it was all a matter of fact and an understanding of what would now need to be arranged. From the time of the attempt, the main concern was if I would try again. I felt like a Blackmailer.

Then I had to be able to explain why I tried and the fear my wife had when She understood what I had done. Ten years later trust is much rarer than before.

When I suffer Depression now and go for treatment, every appointment starts and finishes with the discussion, are you going to do it again. Now no longer trusted my medications are hidden away, even though it has been ten years since my attempt.

In a way I feel that because of my actions I am questioned and asked quite regular if I am ok, my Wife has a conscious that She was responsible for my actions. The scars of this concern is still with her.

So sorry you feel I was hard with you, as you ask for a gentler approach suicide, has no gentle approach.

After we attempt or manage suicide, we leave those around us with on many occasions a great deal of Guilt and Sadness.

They Never know if they were to blame or not. I have been married now for over thirty years. We were able to trust each other now this trust is that much more questionable when it comes to suicide. There are always fears if I attempt again, am I trying to Blackmail those around me for my life.

Yes I will say poor thing, do not do it again, however I feel you will be shocked how you MAY be treated after an attempt.

If you are fearful contact NHS INFORMATION on Tel 111 explain what you have done or considering. If you are in the midst of an attempt Phone 999 Explain. You can also call the Police they also will try and help. Remember attitudes can be a result of shock and fear. Not only yours, those who treat and your family members

BOB

[Ehsanbey]

Hello dear, I have nothing to say to help you at the moment I know, but hey plz try one more time, plz do it and do it for yourself and your children, whatever you believe blesses you 💪💪

[MJSM]

I'm still here. Feeling slightly better but not whole. Thank you all for you're kind words and advice, doing my normal routine to break out of my own mind and thoughts and focus on the positives. Have a lot of support around me just struggle to realise it when things get bad again.