I just need an outlet...: Hi everyone... - Mental Health Sup...

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I just need an outlet...

Nicolarose profile image
2 Replies

Hi everyone, I don't have a question, but I do need to just blurt out everything that's trapped in my brain.

I don't want to use the word 'depressed', but I am stuck feeling incredibly low all the time. I don't find enjoyment in things I used to enjoy, I'm pushing ones I love away in order to be alone. I don't want to get up for work in the mornings, I'm always teary and moody. I haven't felt genuine happiness for a few months. Most days I just exist, some days I get so bad I have overwhelming self hatred inside that I can only get rid of by hurting myself. No amount of crying or screaming gets rid of it. I don't do that to gain attention, I don't parade my scars/cuts around like its something to be proud of. Only 2 people know I do it. My sister and my partner. My sister tells me to get help and my partner does nothing.

If I could give a date to when this started it would be 8th December last year. I had a missed miscarriage. After that it just got worse and worse. I injured my back at the gym (which is a huge part of my life) which caused chronic pain in my hip and lower back. My work was not quite understanding of what I had been through. I had 4 weeks from work but coming back there was no what can we do for help, it was ok youre back we have loads of work lets go. Stress.. My colleague went on holiday for 4 weeks in which I had to do her job AND mine with no help. I moved in to my partners house with his family and immediately I hated it. I don't dislike his family but the differences in culture, lack of privacy, constant effort made me very unhappy. Me and my partner couldn't be a couple. All in this time the pain from my back gets worse until I pop a disc.

Currently, I'm sick of being in pain. I wont be able to train at the gym for months maybe and that's my outlet. I have an eating disorder and the thought of not going to the gym makes me panic as I cant control my weight etc fear of getting fat returns.

My partner doesn't really understand. He says I'm always unhappy so what can he do? I'm starting to think do I really want to be with someone right now? I want to be alone. I know I love him but hes not helping me. That just makes it worse....

I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. Its an awkward place to be

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Nicolarose profile image
Nicolarose
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2 Replies
MAS_Nurse profile image
MAS_Nurse

Hi Nicolarose,

Your feelings are completely understandable. For one thing, having a miscarriage is very traumatic and you are experiencing bereavement at the loss, compounded by a back injury, work stress and moving in with your partner's family, it's not surprising you feel depressed, overwhelmed and that it's putting a potential strain on your relationship, and you're struggling at work! If you haven't already, it's time to have a serious chat with your GP about how you are feeling, your physical health and talk about the range of therapies and medications that could help, and ask for a mental health referral for some counselling. It may be too, that you need to be signed off work again. Do you have an occupational health service or employment assistance programme, connected to your employer, as they can provide a confidential source of help and support at work?

Check out The Miscarriage Association for more information related to your experience, here's one of their leaflets: miscarriageassociation.org....

The Miscarriage Association helpline: Tel 01924 200799 (Mon-Fri, 9am-4pm)

Relate - can help you and your partner address any relationship issues relate.org.uk/

Cruse Bereavement helps people understand their grief and cope with their loss. They have a helpline (0808 808 1677, Monday to Friday, 9:30am to 5pm) and a network of local branches where you can find support. cruse.org.uk/

Occupational Health - NHS Health at Work Network: nhshealthatwork.co.uk/what-...

If you are feeling in crisis keep these support lines handy too:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: 0300 123 3393 info@mind.org.uk Text: 86463 mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: 0300 304 7000 [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

Hope this helps a little. We are listening and here for each other. Keep in touch with us.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54

Hi you have been through a hell of a lot and I am sorry things have been so bad for you. I want to ask you one question - if it was a loved one of yours who had been through this instead would you hate them? Why do you hate yourself for what has happened, is it a fault in you? No it's just bad luck. We all go through spells like this in life and all we can do is lick our wounds until we start to recover a bit.

Give yourself the time you need to start healing and if others don't understand it doesn't really matter as long as you do. Treat yourself like your own best friend coz you sure as hell need one at the moment.

Maybe some form of counselling (bereavement?) could help. x

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