“I may be quiet, but I have so much on my mind”
The word suicide caught your attention didn’t it? The truth is suicide catches everyone’s attention, it’s the actions that lead up to suicide that goes unnoticed.
I didn’t want to admit it. It was easier to lie, hide the hurt and emptiness, to smile instead of cry.
Have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so you just stare blankly into space while feeling your heart break into pieces.
That moment when you burst into tears in your room and realize that no one knows how unhappy you are.
The worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore, I constantly feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down. I feel like I’m going crazy, and if my mind is an ocean, my thoughts are a tsunami. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I can’t even think straight. I am a mess. I am coming apart at the seams and it scares me.
Nobody knows the real me. Nobody know how many times I have cried in my room when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I have been let down. Nobody knows how many times I have felt like I am about to snap but I just don’t, for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I am sad, how horrible they truly are.
But someday, someone will love every inch of you. They are going to kiss all the part you have hidden away and tell you how beautiful it all is.
Someday someone is going to say, “I love all of you, not just the parts that make sense, not just the parts you have shown me. I love the parts of you that I don’t yet understand, the parts that weigh on your shoulders, the parts I only notice when I steal glances at you in silence.
Suicide is a form of premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.
Suicide is a serious thing. And if you know anyone who is suicidal, you need to get them help. No one should be in pain. Everyone should love themselves.
I’m not glorifying it at all, I’m just basically telling you that sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. And maybe I should seek help, or maybe it’s not that deep.
I have no shame around the fact that I can be shot into suicidal feelings by certain people’s treatment of me. I am no different to any other person. I therefore act as I believe any other person should be free to. but in the end, one needs more courage to live than to kill themselves.
Did you really want to die? No one commits suicide because they want to die. Then why do they do it? Because they want to stop the pain.
Nothing in my life has ever made me want to commit suicide more than people’s reactions to me trying to commit suicide.
Suicide creates a monstrous emotional upsurge of shame and guilt. Everyone participates in feeling responsible and even shamed at knowing the suicidal candidate. If these feelings are not healed the vampire of suicidal death can strike again and again.
Suicide may also be regarded as an experiment, a question which man puts to mature, trying to force them to answer. The question is this: what change will death produce in their existence and in their insight into the nature of things? It is a clumsy experiment to attempt; for it involves the destruction of the very consciousness which puts the question and awaits the answer.
From the perspective of the one committing suicide, his or her act can be one of the most perverse forms of moral manipulation, as it abandons those left behind to their shame, guilt and grief. Suicide is something like a metaphysical “I gotcha!” It is often an attempt to kill or wound others.
Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always, for cowardice sometimes prevents it. Since as many live because they are afraid to die, just as many die because they are afraid to live.
You think suicide is cowardly? I will tell you what is cowardly. Hurting someone so much that they think ending their lives is the only way to make it better.
If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me.