I’m having a really rough time. I had a failed suicide attempt eight days ago and I’m finding it really hard to manage my feelings. This was my second attempt - the first one being 5 years ago. I’ve struggled with depression on and off since then and I’ve recently moved back in with my parents with isn’t ideal for an adult woman. I had to drop out of university since the last attempt and I’ve had a few dead end jobs which don’t earn me enough to live on my own. I’m a loser. My relationship with my mother is turbulent- she’s frustrated her I can’t find a better job and I’m frustrated that I can’t get decent employment. She gets annoyed that I spend a lot of time sleeping but lm just so exhausted all the time.
I have been visited at home by a nurse almost daily since I was discharged from hospital eight days ago, and almost every time they’re over an hour late. I understand that they’re busy and understaffed etc but i tend to get myself in a bit of a tailspin thinking about how I’m not worth showing up for and I don’t deserve any of the help I’m getting. I’ve seen 5 different nurses so far and I’m getting really tired of having the same conversations. They’ve all said that I’ll be assigned a set team so that I won’t have to go through everything with a stranger each time but nobody has gotten to me. Every time they leave my house they say they’ll call me back within the hour to schedule another meeting but they never do. It’s usually a last minute call the next afternoon/ evening. I was also visited by a psychiatric doctor who said he’d give me some information about medication and possible therapy but he hasn’t gotten back to me. This was six days ago. I know he nhs is under a lot of strain right now so I don’t want to hassle them. The last nurse who came to visit me said that they ‘couldn’t keep Just coming out to check up on me’ and that they really needed to signpost me to some kind of treatment but nobody is being very forthcoming with any information and I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed and drained.
I’ve been given a crisis number to call but I feel like I’m not unwell enough to warrant that.
I’m doing what I can to feel better- I’ve always been an active sporty person so I’ve kept up with my running and gym training. I know it’s inportant to get out and about and to look after yourself physically. They’ve all told me that I need to be socialising as I’ve become withdrawn, but the people in my life don’t have time for me. Friends don’t answer messages or flake out of plans, and it just reminds me how unimportant I am. I tried to reach out to a few people before my attempt but nobody was really willing to be there for me so I didn’t push. I don’t ever want to emotionally blackmail anyone into being a better or more attentive friend so I’ve tried to accept that I’ll have to get through this on my own but it really hurts that I’m not even worth replying to. Ive been here for so many of my friends and it really doesn’t feel good to not have them there for me when I need it. I’m just really tired of feeling so down all the time and I’m wondering if I should just do my best to end it once more. I’m still drowning and I feel like this is way worse than if I’d just died. I’m so angry at myself for getting it wrong again. I never do anything right. I know it’ll break my family but I think ultimately they’ll be relieved for me that I’m not in pain any more. I know I don’t deserve to live. I’m torn between wanting to feel better and knowing that I should just call it quits.