I don't think I will ever be happy...

[AloneIBreak]

Hi...

I just joined this site. I don't know what I expect to gain as there is no magic button anyone can press to make it all go away and unlock my door to a decent, enjoyable life but I am getting to a point of feeling really suicidal lately and they say when you think like that you should reach out to as many people as you can, so...

Anyway I am 27 years old and I have always been unstable.. Besides online distance, I have never been in a relationship so I have never known true love, though I have often felt it may be the only thing that could make me feel well and loved enough to want to be alive.. I have been through like 5 jobs and never been able to hold one.. The only family and actually the only person whatsoever that is even in my life is my mom and that gets embarassing... I have a license but my car has issues and I have no money to fix it. Honestly, my life and my luck have always been the crap end of the stick..

The thing is I hate the way I think and the way my brain works and I am getting sick of it. I have been diagnosed with this, that, and the other thing and my symptoms likely stem from falling on my head when I was like 2 years old and then additionally banging it in a car accident when I was 6. No one wanta to look into that, though. They just wanna diagnose me with everything in the book varying from one mental health intake to the next and brush off the idea that when I banged my head, it likely threw some things outta wack as far as pathways in my brain and stuff so I don't get the proper treatments.

I recently stopped smoking marijuana which probably didn't cocktail very well with any of my meds over the past nearly a decade anyway so I am giving that up entirely. I have now been on lithium for a week and it is all I am currently taking...

In conclusion, I have never been a happy person and lately, I feel like I never will be.. Like, I just don't want this life or to be in this world... I am usually a creative person but for about the past month and a half or so, I have absolutely no desire to draw or write... I am a gamer and even gaming is losing its charm with me... The idea of falling in love is even becoming less and less desirable... I feel like I just want to give up.. I don't think I can take my own life.. I have played with the idea before and I can't, yet I really don't want to be here anymore... I almost never have, but now its juat getting really really intense.. I feel like I wish something would just happen out of my control and take me out of this world.. Idk what to even do..

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello AlonelBreak

Thank you for your message and welcome to this forum. It is a very positive thing to share so much that has happened with us. You have obviously done so much and tried so hard and it must be a very difficult time right now.

Have you considered going back to your doctor and talking things through with them?

Our members are very supportive so may be able to offer more help and information for you.

Perhaps you could talk more to someone you trust , as that can sometimes help a little.

The topics and pinned posts may offer more information too. There is one with information about crisis helplines.

Do tell us more and keep in touch

Best wishes