Depression

[WhyForever]

Hi, I have posted here before, however I held back a little because I’m not very good at writing things without a fear that they don’t make sense as well as the fact that I just feel kind of ashamed?

Anyway, I was diagnosed with anxiety & depression a few years ago & have been on numerous medications since, which seem to help for a short time if at all, then stop working. I have had doses increased if they “stop working”, however the results seem to be the same.

I have had self confidence issues for as far back as I can remember, I was never “liked” throughout school, never popular. I was bullied regularly throughout different school years by different people for different reasons.

I also had my first “relationship” in high school, which ended up abusive (towards myself). My ex partner physically abused me (kicking, pushing, punching) as well as mentally abusing, I was not allowed to make my own decisions for most things in my life; what I wore, who I spoke to, who I was friends with, it even got to the stage where my ex stopped me from attending family events. This person also cheated on me multiple times with multiple people, even in front of me, which makes me so embarrassed that I almost condoned that behaviour and allowed it to happen through fear! The person made me feel like I was alone without them, when in reality I can look back now and see that they are the reason I was alone without them.

I lost the very few friends I did have, along with my “best friend” who was the last person my ex cheated on me with, they then started their own relationship.

It took years for me to completely cut this person out of my life because I somehow still “wanted” to be around them/have them in my life.

Thankfully, I escaped the relationship prison I was in, however since then, I have trouble with relationships including trust issues and I also have been told that I am “clingy”.

Back to daily life;

Sometimes, I hear noises that I’ll often mistake for someone calling me/talking to me when nobody has spoken, I also experience great fear if I’m alone that somebody is behind me/following me, indoors or out. If I am outside at night alone (walking dog) I have a constant fear that someone is watching me, I also fear that someone is “spying” on me ready to take me out with a gun or something.

I feel crazy reading this back already but I want to continue

I suffer with insomnia also, my doctor will prescribe sleeping tablets during a bad bout, but that’s if I have the courage to go to them.

Here’s the part I’m going to struggle writing for numerous reasons;

As a child, I was sexually abused by a person who “married into” our family, however I don’t have any recollection of such abuse. I have never really spoken to my GP about it in detail because I’m afraid that I sound silly.

My memory of this person gives me a feeling of fear, certain songs I remember playing being around them give me a horrible “sick” feeling but I don’t know why.

Recently my mood has fluctuated a lot, one second I’m on top of the world, the next I’m so down I’m thinking of how I could take my life. During these times I’ve also felt intense anger which then results in panic attack, during which my mind seems to bring the person to my thoughts.

My mind feels “fluffy” and life doesn’t feel “real”. I feel like sometimes I’m watching my life like a movie that I’m starring in, rather than being a character.

I constantly worry about other people’s thoughts & opinions of myself, I also have a constant fear that people are against me/hate me. I try to get out as much as I can, but I feel severe distress in public places like shops. Crowds of people cause me to hyperventilate which sends me into panic mode even when I tell myself nothing is wrong.

I feel like I’m fighting a constant battle with my own mind and I’m losing.

I have touched on the above symptoms when talking to my gp, however it is always put down to just anxiety and depression, my gp also told me that there are no other medication options I can try if my current medication doesn’t help, however I do know that there are other options as I have an online friend with similar problems who has tried several different medications that I have not. I almost feel like I’m just being tossed to the bottom once again.

I am not asking for medical advice, but if anyone has any suggestions/thoughts on what could be going on/what could help, please message me, I am happy to go into more detail if you have any questions that may come from what you read.

[Strongheartforever]

I feel for you and your struggles. We all do who have read your post. You have support here. Your “story”, your past, your memories, although this may seem impossible I assure you you can, walk away from them. Leave it all in the dust. Your mind holds onto them to try to make sense somehow but throw it all out and start new. Start by getting rid of things in your life you no longer need or want. Release the past. Exercise and detox your body. Sweat. Release, release. Find what makes you feel powerful. What perks you up, what you are curious about. What is your gift? How can you help others? You can help others struggling with what you’ve learned. It is powerful medicine to help others. Get among good people and join a support group. You are needed by others! Your victim hood now can transform into triumph and you are the alchemist. Read Eckhart Tolle books. Watch Mel Robbins on YouTube. Fill yourself with wisdom. Look at every problem as a challenge. Say to it “oh yeah!!?!? You think you can bring me down?!? Think again.” Wallowing in pain is the necessary first step. Being in the pain. Being in the story of the pain. Breakthrough!!! Close the book. Open a fresh new journal and begin your new journey. Write down a few simple goals. Eat fresh food. Fuel yourself with living food. Fuel your mind with beauty, power and positivity. Make it your new hobby. FILL yourself up with good things!! Find a new friend and lift her up. Breathe deep and get out in an open field. Take a class. Do something brand new. Love and blessings to you!!!

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi WhyForever, and welcome back to this caring forum. I am sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you for such a long period of time. Strongheartforever has made some good suggestions. Firstly, it would be a good idea to go back to see your doctor and explain how you have been feeling. Also, insomnia can affect mood, so this is important to address. Counselling may help you and your doctor will be able to arrange this. Perhaps you could ask a trusted family member or friend to go with you to your next appointment. You will begin to feel better, just take things one step at a time. Your confidence needs to be rebuilt and often, doing the things you enjoy will help with this. Local colleges often run confidence building courses, so it is always worth finding out about these.

If you are in the UK and are feeling distressed, please call the Samaritans----

Freephone 116 23 [24 hour helpline] 7 days a week. They provide a listening ear. If you are outside the UK please have a look at the pinned posts section of the screen where you will find some crisis helpline numbers for support. Please stay in touch on the forum and be reassured that you are not alone. Thank you and best wishes.