I am a Male in my early twenties, I have germophobia,
I have always failed to make friends, both in real life and on the internet.
I am a person who prefers to Stay silent and listen and talk only when someone direct their speech to me
or whenever the subject has my interest. to Summarize who I am, i am a person that likes silence and privacy.
Lets go back to my past, I was always an "A+" Student till my family decided to move us from public school to a private school
to protect us from bullying as my family financial performance started to improve.
in the private school the respect toward the teachers was lower, and it was easier for me to score the A+'s with Minimal effort
I never cheated, maybe once or twice in my whole lifetime.
my Crumbling started then and i am unable to Regain or Rebuild myself to who i was.
when i reached highschool which is the last 2 years of School, one year monitored by the school and another by the ministry of Education
I moved schools again and earned a 50% scholarship to one of the top schools, again i Scored an "A+" with low effort and earned myself a 100%
scholarship to the last year which is the deciding year to your whole future as entering a certain major depends on how well you score in that year,
I had a whole year to study but i always chose to study during the night of the exam and I managed to Score an "A" and entered a Major in the University
that i never thought of, i barely had any interest in the Major, atleast in the Prior years i used to put a Minimal effort but in the University the effort
varied from 0 to Low, when i gave some effort i scored well and High but most of the days it was 0, I experienced failure 3 times in the University,
It shocked me for the first time then i started to care less about it, I still managed to graduate with my class with a Decent GPA.
I had a plan for the next 10 years after i Graduate to escape from my Crumbling in the last 7 years and Regain myself, but that Plan failed due to financial issues,
so i had to start Looking for a job to Achieve what i planned for the next years, but I never even got the chance to get a single Interview, there are ~700 Graduates
Competing for less than 150 positions yearly, you have to be exceptional to get hired and have a high GPA, I Doomed myself when i gave 0 Effort to University.
Let me give you a glimpse about my family (Uncles, Aunts and Cousins) they are Happy when you fail, Sad if you succeed.
If you Achieve something they will bring you down and make you feel like it is nothing, but if they achieve something less they will Brag about it for a long long time.
They are a bunch of Liars, Boasters and they Make everything Centered about money, they will Look for whatever you are insecure about and Exploit it.
They even managed to get to me and make me insecure but i managed to get over the insecurities by Becoming Careless, it is the only good thing that i got from my Crumbling
which started 7 years ago. The only thing that is keeping me away from suiciding is that i am a coward, and i am posting this here because someone might have a solution
for me on how i could Regain myself from his personal experience and to get some things off my chest as I don't have anyone in Real life other than my mother that i Trust with
what is inside me.