How could i Regain myself after Crumbling for 7 years

[Anonymous0258]

Hello,

I am a Male in my early twenties, I have germophobia,

I have always failed to make friends, both in real life and on the internet.

I am a person who prefers to Stay silent and listen and talk only when someone direct their speech to me

or whenever the subject has my interest. to Summarize who I am, i am a person that likes silence and privacy.

Lets go back to my past, I was always an "A+" Student till my family decided to move us from public school to a private school

to protect us from bullying as my family financial performance started to improve.

in the private school the respect toward the teachers was lower, and it was easier for me to score the A+'s with Minimal effort

I never cheated, maybe once or twice in my whole lifetime.

my Crumbling started then and i am unable to Regain or Rebuild myself to who i was.

when i reached highschool which is the last 2 years of School, one year monitored by the school and another by the ministry of Education

I moved schools again and earned a 50% scholarship to one of the top schools, again i Scored an "A+" with low effort and earned myself a 100%

scholarship to the last year which is the deciding year to your whole future as entering a certain major depends on how well you score in that year,

I had a whole year to study but i always chose to study during the night of the exam and I managed to Score an "A" and entered a Major in the University

that i never thought of, i barely had any interest in the Major, atleast in the Prior years i used to put a Minimal effort but in the University the effort

varied from 0 to Low, when i gave some effort i scored well and High but most of the days it was 0, I experienced failure 3 times in the University,

It shocked me for the first time then i started to care less about it, I still managed to graduate with my class with a Decent GPA.

I had a plan for the next 10 years after i Graduate to escape from my Crumbling in the last 7 years and Regain myself, but that Plan failed due to financial issues,

so i had to start Looking for a job to Achieve what i planned for the next years, but I never even got the chance to get a single Interview, there are ~700 Graduates

Competing for less than 150 positions yearly, you have to be exceptional to get hired and have a high GPA, I Doomed myself when i gave 0 Effort to University.

Let me give you a glimpse about my family (Uncles, Aunts and Cousins) they are Happy when you fail, Sad if you succeed.

If you Achieve something they will bring you down and make you feel like it is nothing, but if they achieve something less they will Brag about it for a long long time.

They are a bunch of Liars, Boasters and they Make everything Centered about money, they will Look for whatever you are insecure about and Exploit it.

They even managed to get to me and make me insecure but i managed to get over the insecurities by Becoming Careless, it is the only good thing that i got from my Crumbling

which started 7 years ago. The only thing that is keeping me away from suiciding is that i am a coward, and i am posting this here because someone might have a solution

for me on how i could Regain myself from his personal experience and to get some things off my chest as I don't have anyone in Real life other than my mother that i Trust with

what is inside me.

[MAS_Nurse]

HI Anonymous0258, Welcome to this supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. Hopefully you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences. Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides, international crisis support helplines etc.

You are obviously having a difficult time right now, reviewing your life experiences so far, and maybe feeling anxious about the status quo and your future. This is normal for most people. But it may help for you to speak to your doctor, and ask about local mental health services, where you can access some talking therapies like CBT or CAT (Cognitive behavioural therapy, cognitive analytic therapy), or another form of psychotherapy. These can help you explore your thoughts, feelings, fears, experiences, and behaviours that you may feel stuck in, and start to address them to help you move forward in a healthy way.

Check out the guides in our pinned posts section:

shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Keep in touch! Ok folks what can you suggest to help this new member?

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[sweetiepye]

Hello Anonymous , I'm going to give you some random thoughts for your consideration. I am a former educator and have some insight into your situation. I have seen it before and you can overcome it. It seems to me you always take the path of least resistance. Your failures come when you need to put extra effort into your projects. Instead of looking back try looking forward to success. As a teacher, I can tell you I would rather have a hard working student than a talented one who relies on talent alone. Stop trying to be what you were and work on what you want to become. Have a plan. Competing is part of the game. You don't have to be number one to have a successful life. Our families are what they are. As you get into a major or career you will find like minded people and they will become your friends and family . You seem to have a great fear of failure which stops you from trying. We learn more from our mistakes than from our successes . Stop whining, start working. Mrs. Shira

[Walrus61]

Hi anonymous, firstly great step forward in reaching out there is a huge amount of support and help here for you. Great advice from both MAS_Nurse and sweetiepye ( they always give great support and advice) I want to say that what you achieve in your results and graduating is a huge achievement and I would be proud to have achieved, academically as much as you. People don’t always like people who do t have to try too hard to achieve, but that’s ok, we don’t like everyone. Speak to your Doctor first and get some help.CBT does help you to focus and see life from now not what is in the past. As I say to people, drawn a line now and move on. “Don’t look back at the past at what could have been or should have been, look forward to see what can be and will be before it becomes the past. We are here to help and some great support for you. Read the post and pins, let’s start to help you with a new and exciting life that is waiting for you. Take care and fantastic results