Ive since I was young was obsessed with bipolar. It was just so mystical, I've always been obsessed with 'going off the rails". It's true, I am depressed, I do have anxiety, and extreme mood swings. But, I seem to want to be bipolar, I know I'm evil and vile for saying that but it allures me. I tend to have idols to the point i mimic them totally, usually britney spears for example, I want to destruct like her, I have no clue why and it makes me devastated. Then I'll switch usually a few weeks or months later to say madonna, then I want to be strong and I want to be free of all of the misery and obsession. I make up characters in my life, ever since I was 10, typically a girl who is Jüst living with her (or should I say MY crush), she's usually the victim, so many bad things happen and have happened, it's a release I guess but I don't know why I'm like this and I feel evil and like I shouldn't deserve to live because of this. One minute I'm convinced I have bipolar, for a reason usually it makes me slightly happy, though still miserable. Then I'm convinced I have bpd and that truly does horrify me, I don't know what's real and I won't get better I know it. Why and what could this be I'm so scared and sad