I’m a 23 year old guy, been suffering with mental health problems for years now. I rarely leave the house unless it’s to go to work. Luckily it’s a pretty stress free job so I don’t have much trouble holding it down. I get bad feelings at work but it’s the evenings, night times, and days off which are a real struggle. I don’t have much to live for and if someone offered me a magic pill that would end it all painlessly then I would take it. I love the idea of going to sleep and not waking up again. I haven’t got the balls to take an overdose or throw myself of a building or anything like that, which does frustrate me.
I have been self medicating with Cannabis since I was 14, it helped me cope with my nevative thoughts, it was a massive comfort to me but I came to the conclusion it was holding me back. I’ve managed to give it up and have been clean for a few months now but not much has changed and i’m really starting to struggle without my “escape” lately. A few years ago I was taking a lot of Cocaine and MDMA because it made me feel happy and comfortable talking to people but i’ve realised that’s not the answer and the comedowns make me feel even worse. I haven’t taken any of that in at least a year now though, maybe longer and I have no intentions of going back on it.
I’ve been seeing a counseller privately for a few weeks now. We talk about a lot of things, trying to get to the route of the problem but haven’t come up with anything concrete. I had an bad childhood, I’ve seen, done and had things done to me that I think have caught up with me and started to trouble me as i’ve got older. Maybe this is the cause but apparently there is a history of mental health problems in my family, so who knows.
I’ve been considering going to my GP and getting perscribed some medication but i’m a bit unsure. I’ve been against taking tablets for ages but i’m starting to consider it recently. I think it’s my only hope. I’m worried about becoming dependent on them though and i’ve tried a few types of anti depressants in the past that friends have given me and they made me feel very odd, it wasn’t a pleasant feeling at all.
I just want to have a normal life, like a girlfriend and a decent social life, they are such basic things but they seem impossible for me to obtain. If I had this, I think I would be so much happier. I cut off all my old friends because they were bad influences, but the loneliness is unbearable.
Can anyone give me any tips? Or is there anyone on here who can relate to what i’m going through?