Lately I've been feeling weird. I feel empty most of the time. There are times when I feel happy. Like when I joked around with my friends..but once I'm done being happy, I started going back to feeling empty again. And also for no reason, I randomly cried and it's hard for me trying to hold it back especially since it often happened while I'm at school or when I'm out with my parents. I even started throwing things and screaming out of the blue although I'm not angry. It's just that doing that makes me feel somewhat relieved. There are times when I actually cried for a reason, but the reason is very trivial and not something I will make a fuss about. I also started withdrawing myself from people. I locked myself in my room all the time and refuses to go out. I stopped listening to happy songs and began listening to depressing and suicidal songs. Besides that, I often felt guilty for my parents for having a child like me and that they'd be happier if only I were never born or someone else's was their child. And I kept having thoughts about death. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I know it's wrong. I just have thoughts like..if I got into a terrible accident, I wouldn't care. If I got myself in a severe disease and will die tomorrow, I won't be devastated. I don't think I'm depressed, my life is perfectly fine right now. Plus I had it worse in the past yet I've never experienced anything like this. I'm usually a cheerful and understanding person. There are times when I get moody but I'll still go back to my usual cheerful self at the end of the day. But now I feel numb. Also, whenever someone disappoints me, I'll try my best to be understanding of their actions and forgive them at the end of the day. Heck, I heard my mum ranting to her friend that I'm a useless child and a good for nothing unlike my brother and although I was mad, I still forgive her and rationalize why she did that and why she felt like that. But now, just bcus my mum cancelled our plan to go out together I got really sad and became very cold to her although I know, it's something very trivial to be upset about. My dad told me my mum got upset with me.. I felt very bad about it.. I don't know why I'm like this and I honestly want to go back to my usual cheerful self. Is there something wrong with me and how do I fix this?
P/S: I'm sorry if I couldn't convey my problems properly. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts and I honestly don't know how to explain this situation too.