What's wrong with me?

[Lilly96]

Lately I've been feeling weird. I feel empty most of the time. There are times when I feel happy. Like when I joked around with my friends..but once I'm done being happy, I started going back to feeling empty again. And also for no reason, I randomly cried and it's hard for me trying to hold it back especially since it often happened while I'm at school or when I'm out with my parents. I even started throwing things and screaming out of the blue although I'm not angry. It's just that doing that makes me feel somewhat relieved. There are times when I actually cried for a reason, but the reason is very trivial and not something I will make a fuss about. I also started withdrawing myself from people. I locked myself in my room all the time and refuses to go out. I stopped listening to happy songs and began listening to depressing and suicidal songs. Besides that, I often felt guilty for my parents for having a child like me and that they'd be happier if only I were never born or someone else's was their child. And I kept having thoughts about death. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, I know it's wrong. I just have thoughts like..if I got into a terrible accident, I wouldn't care. If I got myself in a severe disease and will die tomorrow, I won't be devastated. I don't think I'm depressed, my life is perfectly fine right now. Plus I had it worse in the past yet I've never experienced anything like this. I'm usually a cheerful and understanding person. There are times when I get moody but I'll still go back to my usual cheerful self at the end of the day. But now I feel numb. Also, whenever someone disappoints me, I'll try my best to be understanding of their actions and forgive them at the end of the day. Heck, I heard my mum ranting to her friend that I'm a useless child and a good for nothing unlike my brother and although I was mad, I still forgive her and rationalize why she did that and why she felt like that. But now, just bcus my mum cancelled our plan to go out together I got really sad and became very cold to her although I know, it's something very trivial to be upset about. My dad told me my mum got upset with me.. I felt very bad about it.. I don't know why I'm like this and I honestly want to go back to my usual cheerful self. Is there something wrong with me and how do I fix this?

P/S: I'm sorry if I couldn't convey my problems properly. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts and I honestly don't know how to explain this situation too.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Lilly96 and welcome to this caring forum. I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at present. It would be a good idea for you to arrange an appointment to see your family doctor who will be able to arrange some help and support. You could also speak to the Pastoral staff at school and explain to them how you are feeling. There are crisis helplines in the pinned posts on the screen and information about topics that may offer more help if things are difficult for you. I think your parents want to help you and are finding it difficult right now. I am sure they would want you to talk to them about how you are feeling. You may want to write this down perhaps, if it easier, [similar to your post] and give it to them to read. We all have disagreements and it often helps us to talk things through to enable us to move forward. You say you want to go back to your usual cheerful self. This is a positive step forwards, so please take the next step and seek some help and support and then you will begin to feel better. Try to do something each day that brings you enjoyment and be kind to yourself.

If you are outside of the UK, there are crisis helpline numbers on the screen [on pinned post section].

If you are in the UK and are feeling distressed, please call--

The Samaritans

Freephone 116 123 24 hour helpline 7 days a week. They will provide a listening ear.

If you are in the UK you could be helped and supported by CAMHS [ChildandAdolescentMentalHealthServices]

nhs.uk/...camhs-information...

Please stay on the forum to be supported by other members. Remember that you are not alone. Take care. Thank you and best wishes,