I fear my future.

[Clxi]

I'm 23 going on 24 and I've ran my life into the ground. When I was young I got into more and more trouble at school before dropping out at 16 to work. I started running the streets for a while until I saw some of my friends goto jail for a long time. I was also popping pills during this time until I stopped around 19 or 20, I don't even know anymore because everything happened so fast. I come from a good family, my brother has a good job in LA but he's depressed also. I envy people that are depressed but have things. My sister is famous, she suffers depression but she now doesn't need medication due to her healthy lifestyle. My dad has his own company which I worked for on and off since I dropped out. I worked a lot of night jobs like his and tough warehouse jobs for a while until the way the hours affected my life started depressing me. When I stopped taking MDMA I started drinking as a substitute. I have been drinking ever sense and it caused me a lot of trouble. I've been to jail 7 times, almost all are alcohol and drugs related. I worked the entire time, having ups and downs because of drinking and irresponsiblity until my parents made me goto rehab in 2015. It was just for the weekend in detox then I lasted a week in the out patient program but jumped into AA for a month. I stuck around and learned a lot from that whole experience but came to the conclusion I suffer alcohol abuse not alcoholism. I got kicked out the end of 2015 when I caught my second DUI and moved with a friend for a year, my first time paying rent. It was good until I lost my job, when I lose a job I tend to not work until my money runs out. Then things all blow up at once and sends me into a deep depression. I use alcohol and women to make me feel good. I met a girl and fell for her hard, she gave me a taste of my own medicine and pushed me to the curb. I was going to the other side of town and spending my time with her to keep my mind off of everything else. Sorry this is long, hope someone is reading. I had a mental breakdown and cut myself. The next day I completely lost it... After our lease was up my friend was moving with his new GF and i ended up being homeless for a month. I slept in our studio in a storage unit and took bird baths in the sink. I'm not use to living like that and don't think I ever could do it. I started working for my dad and he told me i can come over and sleep and shower and eat during the week. He didn't know how bad it was for me, he never knows cause he's done with my drama so he doesn't ask and we tend to stay away from each other. We are very close and he still helps me if I need to borrow money or need some work. After my mental breakdown things changed, I've only had suicidal thoughts once and this was recently but all I have to do is look at the scar on my thigh. I didn't know what all info you should know to help but this is what's going on now.. I got my own apartment with my daughter's mom it didn't work out she lied on me and got me arrested. My mom finally decided to get me out after a week. She moved to Florida with my daughter to stay with her parents. I was sad and lonely. I got a roommate older guy worked for my dad since I we young and worked for a while. I got in some trouble and was ordered to a drug court program where they wanted me to call every night to see if my color was called, it's called 3 times a week, if it was i have to go to another side of town to drug test. My license was suspended already and the bus would take all morning when I would have to be at work and uber was 30-40 dollars a day. So I struggled getting rides there until I got arrested for missing too many days. Got out within the week and continued until court. After I was off the program I was put on 2 years probation. I worked for a while until I lost my job after almost a year. I had a friend I never met in person that I talked to about stuff like this and she passed. I started working for a few weeks and made a lot of money then stopped working for 4 months, I should have started working right away. Now I'm laying here thinking about it all. This is my second week of work, which is good but I have no license, no car, nobody to really talk to about my mental state, no washer or dryer, no cable, no internet, my phone has been off for just a few days, like I have nothing, I'm not apart of society. I need to send my daughter money, I need to give my P.O. money, I have to pay fees so I don't get evicted. I typed so much so you get the full grip. I haven't been in trouble because of drinking in a while, I'm really chill, I'm not who I was just last year. But now I don't know who I am and to the world I'm a nobody. When I feel my depression coming on I've always gotten overwhelmed easily and just shut down. Now that I want to do something different it's feels like it's too late. I lost my wallet and I can't even get up and drive to the DMV to get a new license, why not uber? Because I'm poor and I can't even get up and drive to go get my new debit card from my mom's house. I mean I spent my whole life just wanting to feel good and be happy. As a kid I got randomly depressed so I've always needed stimulation. I know I chose the wrong outlets but now I feel like it's too late. I don't have help anymore. I want to be able to drive to Florida and see my daughter, take her places, I want her to have a childhood like my parents gave me but I'm scared. One day I feel like I can make something happen the next day I'm overwhelmed by life.

[hypercat54]

Wow I bet you feel better for getting all that off your chest! It does sound like you are finally beginning to grow up and I don't mean that in a derogatory way either. You clearly want to sort your life out and be able to move on.

In all your story you haven't mentioned getting any medical treatment for your depression or whether you have been to counselling. I think your doctor would be a good place to start as my opinion is you are going in the right direction but do need some professional help.

Although you have done a lot of living you are still very young yet and you have every chance of being able to turn your life around and live a more stable and happy one. x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Clxi and welcome to this caring forum where you will receive replies from other members who will be able to help and support you. It is clear from reading your post that you really want to change things in your life, which is so positive and a good way forward. You can do this. You are still young and can rebuild your life step by step. It is wonderful that you feel able to talk to your father about how you are feeling. Could you start by asking for his support? You will be able to change things, but will need some help and support and never be afraid to ask for this. Do have a look at the pinned posts on the screen which may help you. You can access crisis helpline numbers if you are feeling distressed. It may be a good idea to see your family doctor who will be able to support you. You can do this, it is not too late and remember that you are valued. It may also help you to think about the more positive aspects, such as your parents and your daughter and build on these. I wish you all the very best. Please keep posting on the forum to let us know how you are doing. Thank you and best wishes.