Feeling alone

[Tam79]

I'm a 39 year-old man who has been alone all my life, I was sexually abused when I was younger and I have felt alone ever since. I've tried to run away from this all my life, and I still find it very difficult to make a friend. Now, I've been living in Thailand for 8 years alone with no friends and I can't make myself go out to meet new people. Every time I summon the courage to speak to someone, I feel afraid, anxious and uncomfortable. I have made friends in the past, but everyone leaves once I tell them I'm gay. I've tried to speak and explain my situation to my family, but with very little success, therefore I haven't spoken with most of my family for years.

[PNIAuthor60]

How isolating for you, Tam79.

Is your family also there in Thailand?

What keeps you motivated in the absence of friends?

I myself have several friends who are gay. I knew them as friends before they came out to me and while I struggled to understand and accept their disclosure - I weighed how important they were already to me and decided to keep on loving them for who they were. The experience taught me a lot about the power of acceptance.

Have you had counselling for your sexual abuse? Do you have a support system of some kind?

I am so sorry that you have experienced such isolation in your life.

[Tam79 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thank you for your reply PNIAuthor60,

No, I don't have any family or friends in Thailand, and I live very remote in the countryside. No one speaks English where I am, but sometimes I prefer this

I don't feel motivated to do anything, I usually lye in my bed all day feeling sorry for myself or drink beer which just makes me cry more.

I haven't had any counselling for this as I didn't have anyone to tell at the time, and now my abuser has passed away. I feel it was partially my own fault, so I don't want to bring his kids into this. (His son is the same age as I am)

I have come to accept that no one will accept that I'm gay. I thought by moving to Thailand people would be more understanding, but I have just encountered the same problems.

I moved away from home when I was 16 years old. I have been to and lived in several countries hoping the next would be better, but it never is and I end up alone and scared again in foreign countries.

Thank you again for your reply.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Tam79]

I just wanted to say that sexual abuse is never the fault of the victim so please don't blame yourself. Nobody deserves this no matter what they're wearing, their sexual orientation or anything else. Nobody has it coming.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Tam79,

Welcome to this supportive community. You have taken a brave step in sharing your situation and how you feel. As you have begun to see, folks here are very willing to come alongside and offer support, a listening ear and helpful advice.

Thailand isn't an easy place to find the right kind of support and help you may need. As you know it ranges from first to third world in their healthcare provision, depending on where you live, and generally is not free. You may find reconsidering living there, which although it's a cheaper standard of living, you may find moving back to a country (whether that is your home country or not) which can offer the same provisions found in the West.

Take a look at these links and see if they can offer some help:

thailandstarterkit.com/heal...

healthunlocked.com/mental-h...

shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

You are not alone. We are listening. Stay safe and keep in touch.

Take care.

[Tam79 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you very much.

I understand Thailand isn't the best for my situation, and I have booked a flight to return to the UK, but I'm unsure as to where to go and what to do.

I always feel lost and alone wherever I go, I understand that there's a lot more people on here that needs your support.

I've been a member for a while, but this is the first time I've wrote anything.

I wrote this time because I'm planning my return to the UK next month, but I don't know if I can go, I do know that I can't stay here alone anymore.

My life has no meaning anymore and I don't know what to do about it.

I thought posting here that I could get some advice, a friendly person to speak with or speak to someone who has or is feeling the same.

Thank you again for your reply.

[Phillipaussie in reply to Tam79]

If you do come back to the u.k. I will share your friendship, very similar situation,be good to you, now you know there are people here for you, all I'm offering is friendship. I got struggles too, but come back. Pick you up for you.

[PNIAuthor60]

I'd like to think that we are all friendly, Tam79. Thanks for reaching out, I will be praying for you as you make the move to the UK.

I think reaching out to us here was a good first step.

[Iluvhorses]

Hi! My name is Michelle and it's nice to meet you! I can't imagine how lonely you must feel being in a country that is not LGBT friendly and being a sexual assault victim. I have a history of sexual abuse myself so I can somewhat relate. Is there any way you can get mental health services where you are? I'm not sure how accommodating Thailand is to people with mental health problems. It must be hard to talk to anyone about your abuse because you do not fit the victim stereotype. Most victims are women, but you are a man so people are less likely to support you. Anyway, you can message me anytime

[Tam79]

Thank you very much Michelle, nice to meet you too.

I know the country is acceptable to gay people, so I can't blame them. That's why I moved here.

It just seems I don't fit in anywhere.

I've never spoken about my sexual abuse, this is the first time. I know, and everyone else knew but it was never asked or answered.

This was the first time that I've wrote anything about it, and I'm doing it now because I feel I have nothing left to lose.

I wish you all the best also.

[Iluvhorses]

How old were you when this happened?

[Tam79]

Is this private? I'm sorry, but I don't want to be linked to other websites.

[Iluvhorses]

It would be...i haven't thought of that.

[Iluvhorses]

It *should* be

[Tam79]

I was between 10-14 years old, afterwards I joined the British army.

I thought that would help to get away from everyone who "knew", but it didn't.

[Iluvhorses]

Ah. Did you ever report it?

[Tam79]

No, never. I'm gay, therefore, I probably wanted it, even if I don't feel like it now. He made me feel special and I liked that.

I don't blame him. He was the only one who made me feel wanted.

[Iluvhorses]

But you never consented to it so you are a victim period. He took advantage of you.

[Tam79]

I'm sorry for my late replies, but I'm not used to speaking about this.

I can't convey my thanks for all the replies because I didn't even expect one reply.

I do want to chat, but I always do it with tears in my eyes, I'm sure you all feel the same.

Thanks for all the replies.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Tam79]

No problem! It's good that you cry. I am a college student and have been through an abusive relationship. I am no longer dating my abuser, but he is also a student on my campus. I have reported it to both campus security and the county police, but nobody did anything about it. So now I still have to see him around. Anyway I've gotten so stressed out that I can't even cry. I normally cry when I'm stressed, but when too much is going on then I emotionally shut down. I haven't shed a tear since the school year started last August. I wish I could though.

I know talking about this is hard for you so take your time with your responses. Also, please let us know if and when you no longer want to talk about your experiences. That way we won't pester you.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Iluvhorses]

I luv horses have you told your parents about your situation? It’s not right that you did not get support from police.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I told my uncle and my mom. They believe me, but there's nothing they can do.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Iluvhorses]

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with that. I’m sure you’ve tried everything you know to do. I hate hearing that for you! Have you spoken to your school counselor? It sounds like a cover up of some kind. She may at least be able to help you emotionally. Bless you! If you ever need to talk we’re here.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

An investigation was conducted, but nothing came of it. It was really short. I have spoken with a counselor and she's really nice Thank you for your concern and support.

[Tam79]

It's been a pleasant experience speaking with others like you, however, it makes me angry when our government and local authorities let this happen.

I feel so bad for you because they've done and are doing nothing for you.

I'm so sorry that you need to see your abuser on a regular basis. You seem like a very friendly and helpful person.

I'm so sorry that you need to go through that on a regular basis.

I'll always be here if you need to speak with anyone.

[Iluvhorses]

I'm actually in America, but thank you! Do you have any pets? Animals make great company. Sometimes they are better company than humans. Maybe you could get a dog if you don't already have one. Maybe even a service animal.

[Tam79 in reply to Iluvhorses]

Okay, I understand, that would be your government, but my response is the same.

[Tam79]

Yes, I have a beautiful Thai Ridgback dog. He's been a great friend, I've had him since he was 5 days old, sadly his mother died giving birth, he's 3 years old now. He's been my saviour many times.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Tam79]

I absolutely love my dogs. It’s great that you have him Tam. My dogs are my best friends.

[Iluvhorses]

OMG that's awesome! I've never seen one, but their pictures are so cool to look at! I love how the fur on their spines run in the opposite direction I want a pitbull after I graduate.

[Tam79]

Sorry, I was trying to set his picture on here but I don't know how.

I'm a little afraid of pitbulls too. Lol.

I love all animals, well, if they're friendly.

[Iluvhorses]

Pit bulls are good dogs if you know how to train them. Just like any other dog. They're often misrepresented by the media which is why I want one. I want to prove that they can be lovable.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Iluvhorses]

I had the sweetest pit bull ever! I can tell you it doesn’t matter. You can’t rent a place with one or get homeowners or renters insurance with them. The liability is huge! I love them. I would never have another though The risk is way too high. Situations you may not realize at the time. They are sweet. My little dachshund used to keep my pit bull in line. He was a goober. Yet I could rent, get insurance etc with my dachshund and not my pit bull when someone came in my house she would go after them. My pit bull would, if anything, lick them to death. He certainly didn’t realize he was so viscous. Something to think about.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Where do you live if you don't mind my asking?

[Tam79]

I love the pit bulls' faces. They look scary and cute at the same time.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Tam79]

I lived with my friends pit for a month and loved it! Her name was Maya and she loved licking people and sitting on laps. She didn't seem to understand that she weighed 30 lbs lol!

[Tam79]

I was really nervous and anxious about posting on this site, but yourself and another have made me really happy I did.

Thank you.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Tam79]

No problem!

[Stilltrying_]

I have just read your post and feel compelled to reply. You come across as such a genuine and lovely person. It's such a terrible shame that you have had to hold this inside for so long. As others have said there is no way that the abuse was anything but his fault. It can be confusing I know as abusers can make you feel loved and wanted and so therefore sometimes in your own mind you tell yourself that you must have "wanted" it.

Of course it's nice to be cared for and feel special but the facts of the matter are that you were underage and he should not have started up a sexual relationship with you as it was inappropriate and abusive . Another way to look at it is if it had really been consensual (which it wasn't) you would not have spent your whole life hiding and running from what had happened. You have been hiding and running because the events negatively impacted you emotionally and have in some ways ruined your life up till now but there is still time and it can change and improve from now on.

The most important thing to tell you that having reached out once you can do so again. When you get back to the UK the first thing you must do is seek out some counselling. Please pluck up your courage to tell your GP. You could write a letter to him/her rather than speaking or you could print off your post from this site. Tell him/ her you want counselling. Alternatively if you can afford it seek out some private counselling. There are BAC approved counsellors (British counselling association) You can search online to find one near to where you live.

So you are gay. So am I. Times really have changed and it is so much more acceptable nowadays. If you want to give your self esteem a boost look at the latest series of Big Brother (can you get it online where you are?) The winner was a wonderful gay man who is also a drag queen. He was delightful and loved by everyone. He has done the LGBTQ community the power of good and I honestly believe that most people would be accepting and just know you for you gay or not. It's not your "fault" if you're gay (its ok honestly and very normal for some of us) or not necessarily anything to do with the abuse. You could have been born that way and please believe me just because you were born gay does not mean that you deserved to be abused, taken advantage of at a vulnerable age.

Don't know if i've expressed myself well but please please do keep in touch. You can PM me anytime. Just click on my profile and then click message and we can keep in touch. I would like to be your friend.

Gemmalouise XXx

[Hidden]

Tam79 I was sexually abused on a couple occasions as well as, physically abused, emotional and was bullied all thru out school some years worse than others. I am now 25 and never had a relationship and have not been able to hold down a job do to anxiety and depression and I am about to quit this job due to a negative work enviorment. I am not gay but I do know the feeling of being alone especially when you see old friends starting to have families its very frustrating. I had to leave my friends behind cause they were never a good influence on me and to be honest not very good friends to begin with. I'm not sure what kinda of person you are but I can atleast relate to always feeling alone around a bunch of people even if they are your friends. Try to lower your expectations when it comes to people cause to be honest most people are very shallow, hurtful, untrusting and boring atleast from my experience. Also I commend you for your courage for opening up to people other than your family that is something that I have the hardest time with, and don't feel bad about it people get overwhelmed when it comes to true emotions. People would rather hear about some tv show than about how to better them selves its sad but true. Don't beat yourself up about this cause I just suffered a major anxiety attack that had me so depressed to the point I was in bed for a full 24 hours and missed work. Just know that your not alone and someone cares don't let that voice in your head win. Thank you =).

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

You are Tam. You are a survivor! You are strong. It takes strength to even move to another country. Much less alone. All of us love other people. To me it doesn’t matter who you love or what type of person. The world is so different than it used to be. That is perfectly normal. It’s not like it was many years ago. Be proud of the person you are! You served your country. You are a caring person. That seems very clear. It was NOT your fault that twisted individual abused you at all! You were a child. Nothing else matters. Being gay does not give someone the right to abuse you! No one has that right no matter who you are. Children all need that love and attention. He knew as a predator how to get to you and hurt you. That’s wrong! I’m glad you no longer have to see him. I hope going back to the UK you can get some help overcoming your struggles. If not then where you are now. You deserve so much more in this life.

[Hidden]

Join a walking club in London, they have many interests

[Hidden]

You will find many walking clubs on the internet