I'm new here and wanted to get some type of support as my life has been pretty up n down lately. I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago? We've been on and off primarily because I don't think he wants to let me leave. We still hung out and stuff because I wanted to be there for him as he was going through severe depression and he hasn't really made any lasting friendships and had nobody to turn to. I would agree to hangout to "talk" so that he could feel supported but every time we were together he would try to kiss me, or talk about us and how sorry he was for cheating on me. He's a pretty emotional dude, and is paranoid about me getting with other guys. He asks me about 6 times a day, making me promise I'm not talking to anyone. My empathy made me easily manipulated. I know I need to stop talking to him completely because trying to be there for him is taking a toll on me emotionally. He hasn't treated me well. We often gets angry saying hurtful things, making me cry. Lately he has been talking about suicide, so of corse I begin talking to him again. I still really care for him. A few days ago he picked me up from work super drunk. Our plans got canceled so I asked him to take me home. He did not want to and kept saying he wanted to be with me. As things escalated he began driving very fast and unsafe in the freeway, Putting his head down on the steering wheel and swerving over thee lanes of traffic. I was scared and screaming at him to pull over and when he did, I continued to scream. He reached down into the glove compartment and grabbed a knife which he then plunged into his chest. I saw blood and I thought the knife went all the way into his chest. I called 911 and rode to the hospital with him in the ambulance. He kept saying "I love you" over and over until I said it back. The knife hit his sternum and the wound was very small. We spoke in the hospital and he kept talking about how he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life and how he's sorry and told me to think about it.
I don't know how to handle this situation. I am a caring person but I don't know how to help. I know I need to put my needs first. He is released from the hospital now and wants to meet in person to talk about what happened. His dad is suggesting a restraining order.
I guess what I want to know is how to handle a breakup. How to manage someone's suicide threats and how to to support someone while maintains boundaries.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this
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liquidglass
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I don't want to scare you, but I would take this very seriously. I'm not sure a restraining order would do much I think you need to be concerned for your own safety. Is there some where you can go for awhile to get out of town? Do you have any vacation time ? I wouldn't see or talk to him again. Not to be mean ,but because it encourages him. He is probably using suicide to manipulate you although there is nothing you can do to prevent it. You might try going to the police, get the Ro. and ask them what else you can do to protect yourself. I have read that break up times can be the most dangerous for a woman. Please be careful. Pam
Thank you for your reply Pam. I am starting my college classes today. I am afraid that if I start ignoring his calls he will show up at school or my work as he has done before when he gets no reply. My parents are supporting me through this and I am seeking therapy. I don't think he would hurt me physically, as he feels very bad even when he yells but then again that's what manipulation is isn't it?
You really don't know what he will do. I bet you never thought he would stab himself either. Maybe your therapist will have some ideas. Change your phone, know where campus police are and get an escort to your car . Is there a way to keep him out of your work place? Be smart about this and don't worry about what other people think. Pam
His behaviour sounds manipulative and dangerous. You sound like a nice person who doesn't want to hurt him, but you're as entitled as he is to be happy. What are you getting from this arrangement?
This was my first relationship, and I care about him a lot. A lot of my comfort came from him despite the way he has acted. I'm trying to use logic over my emotions because even though o care about him I know it's an unhealthy set up for the both of us
I was in a marriage with a man who often behaved this way - it is controlling and manipulative behavior and has NOTHING to do with healthy love in any way. His dad has the right idea, though as someone has said it might not work. These men don't take kindly to the word, "No!"
Find a book by the author, Lundy Bancroft and have your eyes opened. You cannot remain in this relationship if you want to maintain your own sanity and wellbeing. Step back now because it gets harder the deeper you stay invested. You are NOT responsible for saving his life, only he can do that.
You believe he would never hurt you - this man is not of sound mind. Again, as somewhere in the comments it has said, you have no idea of what he is capable. His own father is giving you wise counsel for your own safety.
Please keep yourself safe and at a distance from this man. He is making deliberate attempts to harm you with his behavior. As I learned through my own difficult experience, the dynamics of your relationship have nothing whatsoever to do with healthy love.
Thank you for the book recommendation and your encouraging words! I often find myself feeling silly like I made the wrong decision. You know, like "he's not that bad" or "he's way nicer than you think". But I have to remember that I feel this way for a reason. My gut feeling and initial feeling is to remove myself from the situation even though at times he doesn't seem bad at all and even fun to be around
I looked up the name of the book I recommended. It is called Why Does He Do That and the author is a therapist who works with abusive men so the book is very insightful.
The times when he doesn't seem so bad and even fun to be around are very dangerous times. Once you fall for that hook, line and sinker - you become a prisoner to his emotional blackmail and it won't be a fun experience for you.
In fact, in time you may come to question what is real and what isn't, who this man is and where is the fun loving guy you first fell for - I now struggle with PTSD and severe cognitive difficulties as a result of this frightening experience.
I sincerely hope that you will seek counselling for yourself with regards to this horrific experience from someone who is skilled in the area of domestic violence.
Even if he continues to self-harm, that decision has nothing to do with you regardless of what he says. He is the only one who can improve his life by getting his own mental health help and owning his behavior and doing whatever it takes to be well.
It is evident that He has some deep rooted abandonment and attachment issues. Which isn't his fault. Before getting into a relationship it is so important to be aware and address these issues and be aware of how you are treating the other person. It is also important to guard your heart and make sure the person you are talking to is a good trusting person
And here you go giving him an excuse for his bad behavior. See how easily we women fall into that trap. You worry me. You've been given very good advice from experienced women, but it won't help if you don't internalize it. You seem like a lovely person who could use some street smarts.
You seem like a very caring and wise woman, so Thank you for your advice and support. I'm trying to balance being compassionate and empathetic while maintaining self respect and being firm. I think the way I come off toward people sends the message that I won't stand up for myself. I don't want to be taken advantage of or get into a similar relationship down the road. I want to be able to build skills that will help with that
That's offensive Para. You're implying she caused his erratic behavior because she broke up with him. Nonsense. He stabbed himself deliberately to gain sympathy and manipulate her.
oh gosh, poor you. It's emotional blackmail on his part. As my husband says, even the worst killer or evil person has a good side which some don't see i.e their mother or family. You will have to be very strong and change your number, even move or change your name. From an experience in our remote family, the police gave the person a new id, name change, moved to a safe house and got new job. I don't want to frighten you, but I think he will try and keep pestering you and wear you down, which is common when someone is besotted. Keep safe, that's your priority. Try and keep a friend with you if he appears at work as a witness and never be alone with him. Hopefully he'll get the message, but I also think he needs help from a GP too. If he insists you go with him, arrange it with his father that he go with him perhaps? I wish you well, please don't be blackmailed. You are a lovely, caring person.
Thank you so much for your reply. I'm still trying to assess how serious the situation is. He has showed up at my workplace before after i refused to text him back, and again actually today at my school which he doesn't attend. I'm not sure what message I'm sending but I'm trying to make it clear that we can't be friends and should cut off communication. Thanks for he input
It isn't about a message that you are sending - I mentioned that they don't take kindly to the word, "No!" In fact, I should have said that when the boundaries change and you realize that the relationship is not safe for you - his behavior will probably escalate in a desperate attempt to hold onto you.
Speak to school security and advise them of the situation, please. Your studies are important and this drama could seriously derail you which would be an avoidable loss.
Hiya, as someone who worked in the emergency services and dealt with situations as you describe, I can only echo what other posters have said. Your own health, safety and happiness is the number 1 priority. You cannot be responsible for his happiness. You have to deal with the circumstances as they are at present and protect yourself from his current dangerous behaviour. Take care,
Hi liquidglass, I have read through your post and just wanted to give a slightly different input. All the replies and advice you have been given is very wise and I echo that you certainly need to be aware that your ex boyfriend is showing signs of aggressive, destructive, dangerous and manipulative behaviour. I agree that you need to distance yourself from him, create clear boundaries and have healthy outlets for yourself to deal with this. Great that you have a loving family supporting you and definitely make people aware of the situation at college and work etc where he may turn up in order to help you deal with these situations. This is going to be best for you in the long run.
My slant on reading this post is that it sounds likely your ex is experiencing some very serious mental health issues. I do not know if your ex is in anyway involved with smoking weed or other drugs but just thought would mention this could also trigger serious mental health problems. The paranoia, constant obsessing and the awful situation you describe in the car drunk and stabbing himself, are indicative to me that he may be more than depressed. This is in NO way to do with you, and you must get that clear in your mind. Also you cannot in anyway help this, only professional Help can help. I reiterate that again! This is my experience. I have been there through similar awful situations with my brother and my sister. In brief, My brother experienced a psychotic breakdown triggered by smoking weed and a relationship break down. He did numerous self destructive things, and suicidal attempts and was eventually sectioned (luckily). he is a kind caring wonderful person and has recovered to have a normal life, but at that time he was very sick and manipulative - there is NO way that his ex gf at the time could have stayed or helped. My sister has a mental illness also, she has made numerous suicide attempts after a very unhealthy and slightly abusive relationship, she became extremely neurotic, manipulative, and instances occurred like you mentioned in the car with dangerous behaviour. She had no regard for herself and therefore not for others around her either. She was also sectioned after a very serious suicide attempt that a family member saved her life from. she too recovered with professional help and support after medical help. The reasons behind these accute mental health situations was NOT directly because of their relationship breakdowns it was because of a very difficult childhood, not developing proper ways of coping and having a tendency towards mental illness which things like drugs and stressful situations can trigger in some people.
The point I am trying to make is that you are clearly very kind and caring, and you say that this person can also be supportive, nice and fun, and your wondering how serious it really is sometimes and confused by his changes in behaviour. But you also stated that you were on and off because he wouldn't let you leave, and you want to know how to handle a breakup and how to manage someone's suicide threats and keep boundaries? Very difficult questions.
My advice is do everything for yourself that have been suggested. You need to protect yourself from harm and you need to try to build your confidence and recover from this very emotionally distressing situation with support around you.
But please realise - the damage has been done the relationship is over, it's likely it won't recover ever even in friendship, and if you try this is not going to help either of you. It takes incredible strength to move on from things like this and remain in someone's life. You can't understand what's going on with his behaviour, anger and self destruction because it is not about You in anyway he is sick. In managing his suicidal threats I would strongly advise that he needs to see a crisis team of some kind. He may need sectioning if he continues to be so destructive. The best thing you can do if any similar situations arise is call the police, or mental health crisis teams, or pass information directly to his dad to do this without engaging with him.
I would say that if you care about him even despite all the awful things he has said and done, the best thing you can know is that trying to stick around in anyway is really not going to help, even if the guy ends up in an awful situations, even in prison in a mental hospital or whatever you absolutely will not be able to help especially if ultimately (wisely) you do not want to be in a relationship with him. Empathy and emotional support are great, but you won't be able to keep it up forever and anything you give and then have to stop because it's not fair on you (which it isn't) may make his behaviour worse again.
In my opinion the only reason I was able to support both my bro and sis through those awful times was because the anger resentment awful things said awful things done I could reason was that they were sick, and not 'themselves' and I could be there for them because I have unconditional love for them, and whatever happens we are always family, the relationship is a constant. Your ex's dad or others in his family are the only ones who can provide this if they are willing and he needs to learn to cope with difficulties himself with professional help.
I really hope you can get the support you need to cope with all this. the brain can block out and try to reason highly dangerous and stressful situations as less so afterwards - disassociating is a part of PTSD. Don't fool yourself it isn't serious just because he could be nice and calm again today, that doesn't mean he is not mentally unstable right now. Please take care of yourself and listen to those who love you. I really think it sounds like he is experiencing some very serious and disturbing thoughts and other posters are right you are not aware of what he might do, and actually he may not be either as he appears to be out of control.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and insight. At first I thought that sticking around was helping him, but it was only a temporary relief. His mom is the only constant in his life currently, as his father lives 5 hours away and was only visiting when I spoke with him. He has deep rooted issues associated with his father because of him abandoning him over and over again and has caused trust problems and attachment issues I'm sure. I too have a sister who I was very close with develop a mental illness. She is manipulative to my mother and has harmed both my parents in violent ways that has wound her up in jail. It's hard not to make excuses for people when they are ill, because you believe that they can get better and change. As my father described to me yesterday, my love for my sister is constant and unconditional-- she is family. We do even have boundaries with her, my mom has a court order that she can not come near our house, but we still try to love her as much as possible and support her through this. If she were to have a boyfriend, I would not expect him to have to deal with that situation, just like you said with your sister.
I worry about his mom because she really does not know how to deal with him and yesterday drove him to my house in a desperate attempt to make him feel better. He's close with other family as well, and recently got into a fight with his only two friends and hasn't talked to them in weeks. As much as it hurts me to leave during this time I know it will be best for him in the long run. Me being there to support will really only be false hope, as he still doesn't just want to be friends. Every time I agree to see him and then leave will feel like rejection over and over. I hope I can help him and myself best by just staying away. Maybe contacting his mom every once in a while checking in? I know it's hard for her.
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crisis team help for my son.
Umm...I overheard my dad talking on the phone and I wish I didn't
update about the breakup..is it gonna be fine!!!!
Spoke with my doctor yesterday.
non consensual, drunk sex and his consequences on my mind
