I don’t know if they will allow this or not. But it is a recall of the time my life ended.
A couple years, I ago a fall apart. The worse ever. My fiancée and I had a huge fight. A complete meltdown to where I really broke. It was so bad, I left the house. Left my phone, purse, and didn’t say a word. I was gone about 5 hours. I wandered around town and didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. We lived out in the country area so it was easy to disappear and not be found the whole time.
I sat down and realized I was going nowhere, I headed home. I was greeted by two cops cars and four police. They were clearly upset. They asked me what happened. I said that we had a huge fight and I left without saying a word. I didn’t notice that my fiancée was in the back on the cop car. I walked right past it and went into the house.
He finally comes in frantic and distraught. Asked me what happened, thought someone had hurt me because of the weird sunburn my shirt left. I was pretty much out of it from exhaustion and heat exposure. He told me the cops searched the house, stuck him in the back of the cop car without the AC on in the middle of summer and wasn’t running the car. I snapped at him and I guess I gave him a look of hatred because he fell apart. He went outside, I followed him and he broke down crying saying how sorry he was and how he felt horrible.
We had a very rough day.
We were okay for a while. Then it happened again. We had a severe meltdown where it ended up with him throwing money and me, telling me he never wanted to see me, how he hated me, and didn’t care what happened to me. I took the money, told him that I hated him, grabbed my keys and left. I crossed state lines to the beach about 11 hours away. I threw away my phone and disappeared off social media. I also grabbed his bottle of high dose sleeping pills. I spent a day and a half at the beach. Writing goodbye letters. Enjoying the beauty of this world one last time. I mailed back the money I didn’t spend and the letters to my fiancée. That night, I found a good movie, took a lot of the pills, can’t recall how any or if all, and drank a lot of whiskey.
It was dark. I heard a beep and someone screaming don’t you give up. Then dark again. I woke up. Cuffed to a hospital bed. On 24-hour watch. I could barely talk. Something had been shoved down my throat to pump my stomach. When I was finally coherent enough to understand what was going on. I asked to call my fiancée. I cried so hard when I heard his voice. He was coming to get me. I had a doctor ask if some medical students could ask about my experience. I felt like a freak show in a circus. I also found out that I was pregnant. Only a few weeks along.
It was the darkest time of my life. Two years later, I now have two beautiful boys, living where my heart feels at home, working a job that has an oceanfront view, and starting to feel more like my old self before my collapse.
Whenever it seems like the darkness and pain is going to swallow you whole and not let you breathe again.. try to remember what the future could hold. If I had succeeded in what I had tried to do, I would of taken along my beautiful baby boy that never would have had a chance to live. Now him and his brother are my heart and soul and I the reason I keep moving forward. I came back from the darkness and now breathe in the warmth and beauty of my second chance.
Umm...I overheard my dad talking on the phone and I wish I didn't
My Life Isn't Happening
I feel like I'm loosing my mind
Ugliness, almost destroyed my life.
