Hi guys, I just wanted to get your views on something. I spoke to my Community Psychiatric Nurse yesterday about my self-harm. I’ve been speaking to him for a while about it and he has tried to support me in helping me stop.
A bit of background, I’ve been cutting myself for a while and as much as I’d like to stop, I acknowledge it’s the only thing that really stops (or at least adequately pacifies) the really intrusive suicidal urges I’ve been experiencing as of late. I suffer from depression, was on fluoxetine for a while but have decided to stop taking it because as much as it helped me deal with the intense bouts of sadness, it also made me feel numb, inhuman and a bit like a robot; as much as it helped stabilise the low moods, it completely took away the good ones! My CPN is aware of this decision and supports it - he actually thinks being off drugs can be a good thing as it helps me experience my depression in its rawest form and enables me to understand it a bit more. Anyway, the downside to this is that the intense low moods are back and I use self-harm to cope.
So a few people have become aware of my self harm - my mum saw my scars and it broke her heart. Some colleagues have also seen it and I’ve become so paranoid about what they think of me - some people judge as they just don’t understand; others try and help, thinking they can ‘save’ me and others pity me which is the worst. Because of this, I’ve really been trying to stop as I can see how much it’s hurting/alienating those around me.
Last week was amazing - I love autumn and the weather just put me in such a good mood. I was made permanent at work, I severed ties with a guy who was not any good for me, I reconnected with friends that I thought my depression took from me. Basically, I finally felt I was able to cope. In my moment of euphoria, I decided to make some positive changes, one of which was to throw away all my razor blades, which was unfortunately a very bad idea.
On Sunday, I had quite a bad day and the extreme low mood came back. My depression and I have a love/hate relationship; I hate feeling low, but also feel a sense of gratitude that I’m now able to feel something if that makes sense! The sadness is comfortable, familiar and even reliable. I know when it’s here, it allows me to have a good cry, but it is also very damaging to my body. Typically, I ended up feeling like I had to self harm to cope with the pain I was feeling emotionally. I had an overwhelming feeling of panic when I realised I threw away all my blades. Frantically, I searched the house for something sharp but the only thing that would suffice was a kitchen knife. I cut my thigh very badly and needed stitches, I hate that I had to do it - I never cut that deeply with razor blades so I realise how much the blades actually keep me safe!
Anyway, after my bad episode, I explained everything to my CPN who gave me some seemingly counterintuitive advice. He said that I should always keep a couple of blades close by just in case. According to him, some mental hospitals actually have staff who give patients clean blades so they can self-harm safely and in a controlled environment(!). I don’t know how I feel about this, I am so desperate to stop doing this but now I feel there is no way out and I’ll be self-harming forever if this is the case. Can someone please give me some advice on what to do about this? I hate what I’m doing to my body and I hate what it’s doing to people who care about me.