I'm in my mid-thirties, and for several years now I've oscillated between short periods of being happy, outgoing, gregarious, and longer periods of reclusiveness, social anxiety, self-hatred. A number of times it's been SSRIs that have helped me get out of the low periods, but they also lead me to put a lot of weight on, fast, which feeds into my dislike of myself. I'm in a pretty low period just now but I'm really reluctant to go back on SSRIs because I've only just managed to lose about half of the weight I put on last time I was on them.
To make matters worse I'm drinking a lot too, and when I drink a lot I get nasty emotional hangovers where I dwell on every stupid thing I've ever done in my life and just think "I hate you I hate you I hate you". Recently I've started saying this out loud, as a coping mechanism, because spoken aloud it sounds flat and banal, and it makes it easier for me to tell myself it's a ridiculous thought that I should ignore. But I've gotten so used to doing this that I've caught myself doing it a few times when I'm not alone - in a crowded street, for example - which worries me.
I feel like if I was going to have a happy life it would have shown some signs of happening by now. As it is the only prospect I see before me is spending a year or more working to get to the point of feeling sort of ok, then a few months later slipping back into anxiety and depression, over and over again.