Feeling of withdrawing from life

[bird99]

Hi,

Well it took me more than 2 minutes to figure out what to type. I guess i have to say something to make people understand what is going on with me until i ended up here but i cant seem to find the perfect explanation.

A little bit about myself, I had some depressions a long time ago (10+ years) and was suicidal - yes. Tried 3-4 times. I think i had a very gloomy childhood as i can't remember anything about it. I know i tend to forget everything that makes me sad so i just kind of use my logic to put the puzzles together to figure out what happened to me in the past.

I can say I'm a lot better now mentally as i started to talk to myself to soothe myself - i hope you don't think that I'm crazy. Well, maybe just a little bit.

Anyway, long story short. I don't know what triggered this state, but for the last couple of days (well thats when i started to notice), i feel like i just want to withdraw from life. I dont find the things that i used to enjoy and love like playing chess that interesting anymore. Life just feels boring and plain. I dont feel like eating, sleeping is boring, cant really focus on anything - and it messes up my work! And the best part is, I don't even know why. I think if i do know then it would be easier for me to figure out a way. I cant understand what is happening inside me.

I've been reading about anxiety and depression and it really clicks. But, I just don't know what was the trigger or what's been triggered- if that make sense?

Well, i guess, I don't know if by posting this someone would understand and give me any enlightenment.

Thankssssxx

[bird99]

Hi Slowsloth1, thank you for that. Even though its hard for me to believe it - but i know its my problem to not believe anything. So thankyou!

[dormle]

Hi bird99,

What I gather from your desription is that you feel lost and you can't understand what's happening inside you and that must be very confusing, frustrating, scary and possibly making you feel powerless and out of control.

You say that you've already had an experience of being depressed and suicidal in the past and I wonder if the same thing, whatever it is (unresolved past trauma, unprocessed feelings, difficult emotions that haven't been digested and are still within you) is not coming back now when you mentioned it's been triggered again...

What I found significant is you mentioning your childhood which seems to have been gloomy to you but you can't recall anything about it and also the fact that you tend to forget anything that is making you sad. It seems to me that you have been avoiding these emotions for a very good reason, i.e., they are hard to face and are likely related to very difficult past experiences that are tough to accept...

Just a hint, maybe what's been triggered is your history, your difficult past experiences that have started to emerge to consciousness again...I think it's best to look for a counsellor or a therapist in order to explore these before the whole thing becomes too big and unbearable.

A good metaphor comes to mind (light chasing shadows), maybe your present experience is signalling to you that it's time to open the closet and let some light in in order to chase the darkness. Only by confronting our fears and most painful emotions and face our past traumas have we the chance to start rebuilding ourselves and our lives and to reach a place of understanding, peace, calm, self-acceptance, forgiveness for self and others and ultimately, self-love.

So, my advice would be to reach out to find a counsellor through a charity or NHS or in private and start exploring these feelings and past experiences as that's the only way to overcome them and achieve well-being in the long run. It won't be easy but you can do it, the power's in your hands, and with some guidance and support, you'll do fine.

Peace and courage to you!

Stay well!

P.S. Regarding your strategy to self-soothe, that's great, especially if it works for you! We are all different and different things work for different people and as long as you've found what works for you, that's the main thing.