Feeling alienated and detached

[DragonTears]

Hi all, I am fairly new here and I have been making the odd comment to try and support others on here. I realised I haven't told you anything about myself and why i am here. I currently live in the UK but I was born in Estonia and grew up in Sweden until 5 years ago when I made the move to the UK. I never really know how to keep this short, but looking at why I have ended up battling depression and anxiety at age 36, I can see all the reasons from my past. having grown up in occupied Estonia (soviet union times) I learnt from a far too early age to live a double life. We all knew that one wrong word from us kids could send your dad to prison, one wrong answer to a question at school (not subject related, but inquiries we had to go through about our life and habits) could render mum out of her job or worse. Basically I grew up thinking it was normal for a 3 year old to whisper Christmas songs (which were prohibited) and always to speak well of the Soviet regime and their leaders when prompted. Never trust anyone, anyone can be a spy. OK, so to keep it short, we ended up, under dramatic circumstances, fleeing to Sweden, I was 9. We spent quite some time in refugee camps and then at these weird allocated estates or neighbourhoods for asylum seekers whilst our case was processed. We got ours declined and were to be deported back to Estonia, where we had nothing left and parents would be tried as deserters and traitors. So we fled in the night, living on people's good will only for the next 2.5 years. No school, no life except a hopping between accommodation, odd jobs for dad on farms to feed us, escape plans, constant worry abut being caught. We were a family of 5. Anyway, eventually we got the permanent residence by sheer luck in 94. There was a n exception law made due to the war in former Yugoslavia. families were allowed to stay and we filled the criteria as they didn't specify that these families had to be from that region. Well I went to school and we rented an apartment and were now meant to live a normal life. But I couldn't. I had nothing to say to my peers...they talked about the latest music and kissing....I just could not relate. Fast forward a few years I dig myself down in studies. As my parent had gone through all that hassle I felt I ought to repay them by being a success and make it worth their while. They later divorced as neither could cope with a normal life after all that. I got married too, after a 12 year long relationship..it was expected of me. I finished uni and got my degree and ticked all the boxes anyone ever put in front of me. I was intelligent, educated, spoke 5 languages and was newly married with my own house - perfect right? only it wan't me. I was role-playing, very well i might add. But I was unhappy. I never said anything of course, us Estonians are a tough people, we work hard, survive and we do absolutely not have emotional issues. You are either crazy and should be locked up or you are fine and just complaining, end of. So I had my first proper breakdown and I wanted to end it all - in fact I tried twice, with mixed results. I was admitted to the local psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with severe depression, I was put on medication and therapy. I was made to join an activity group together with very ill people and I felt lower than low. the guilt, the sense of failure, all of this just made me worse and worse until I was nothing but a zombie. OK, let's keep it as short as we can. fast forward 2 years and I decide I can't live the lie anymore. I get a divorce, i quit my job and I move to the UK. This was my extreme way of making a new start. I have been here for 5 years almost on the dot now. I have met a wonderful man and I recently bought a house. I have a highly paid job as an IT project manager and a busy social life.....and i still feel empty, like I don't belong. So am I doing it all over again? How do I even know what's real or what's ME? I actually hate my job, I hate hate hate it. It is cold soulless industry, I deal with machines all day and stare at spreadsheets. I have no real purpose in life. My boyfriend is wonderful, I know i git that bit right this time, but I feel pointless. I have just gone back on sertraline and had my assessment today, so I am fighting. But i hope this shows that depression needs to be dealt with ,it will not go away just because your circumstances change. Looking at me from the outside, you'd think "that woman has nothing to be depressed about, her life is great!" - well...not that easy. Thanks for listening Xx

[marigold22]

Maybe you need to ask you doctor/GP for a full blood panel, which is as many tests as he will give you on the NHS. Maybe you have low iron, low vitamin B12, low vitamin D, etc etc. You may have to almost beg to get it as the NHS is overwhelmed currently. You have been through stress and trauma; and our bodies can react to those.

Also I have hypothyroid (low thyroid hormones) which gives insidious symptoms, including depression, anxiety and up to 100 other symptoms. After any blood tests, you need to go to the reception desk of your doctor and ask for copies of those tests. They have to give you copies by law. They may charge you £1 each copy. There is a Thyroid section on healthunlocked, also a pernicious anaemia (low vit B12) section. You could then write a post on whichever section you think, and people will help you. i now believe that depression can be genetic or from undetected low vitamins, minerals, or various other things. Good luck

[marigold22 in reply to marigold22]

PS With low thyroid (hypothyroid), your results can still be within the ok range, but you may still feel ill. If you need more help please do private message me.

[Stilltrying_]

Wow thank you so much for sharing your story. I have read all of it and view you as a very strong and brave woman. Sorry to hear about your job and how unfulfilling it is emotionally. I think its best you stick with things for now but maybe think of something more creative and fitting with your woderful personality you may be able to do in the future. Warmest, warmest feelings, Gemmax

[DragonTears in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you for your support. I like the calm approach of, stick to things now but work on myself in the meantime. Thanks!

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi DragonTears, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story on here. You sound very strong and have achieved so much when things can't have been easy. Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? Your GP will be able to help and support you. I am sorry to hear that you don't enjoy your job. Have you thought about the type of work you would like to do when the time is right? Colleges and job centers provide advice and support regarding this, but the time has to be right for you. Please continue to post on this forum where other members can offer support. Best wishes.

[DragonTears in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Hi, thank you for the advice. I am seeing the GP and they are trying to help. I will be assessed at a local centre and be referred to CBT which I think is great. Hopefully I will have better therapist this time as I have been a bit unlucky with them in the past. I am on Sertraline and it is starting to help now after 4 weeks, so hopefully I will be emotionally in a better place to start addressing all the underlying issues. Thanks again.

[DMM218 Ambassador]

Wow. It's great to hear your story - not because it was really really tough but because you've shared it. There is no comparison when it comes to abuse, trauma etc. we all have our thresholds etc and they vary. But we all feel sometimes like you, what have I got to complain about. It's not complaining. It's communicating your emotional pain at your life circumstances and illness. Never forget depression is an illness - anyone can suffer. You have great insight and have linked the stress and governmental abuse of your childhood etc as a significant factor in creating the right conditions for depression to begin. Equally in your own post you show what is the factor that is likely the overwhelming stress now, your job and the fact you aren't yet fully expressed, realised as a person. All the successes you have won't mean anything until you develop as the person you know you are deep inside. Don't let depression keep that from happening. The body and mind are amazing. They are screaming to you - you are in pain, you must change - and that is the purpose of depression. All pain is a warning something isn't right. Use that pain to focus on the change you need to make to be you. If you do that the pain will stop. I think you need help with your childhood experiences but importantly, you need to believe how wonderful you are, to do what you want to do, the things that express your soul.

Given your history, there isn't anything you can't do - like many here - you are a sensitive strong survivor. Live your life, not the life others expect of you. Love xxx

[DragonTears in reply to DMM218]

That is such an insightful answer and completely spot on how I am feeling! Thank you so much for that validation. It really feels like there is a powerful person inside me screaming to get out and blaze the world, I just don't know what she needs and who she is, I can just feel the energy. Like a trapped dragon. I will try to figure it out and make the changes. I just need some support and understanding from people around me whilst on that journey. Thanks again

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to DragonTears]

I'm so glad to hear that - I think your dragon is awake and sick of being hidden. Time to release her. Anything that helps, helps. I take meds, done therapy, but I've looked at natural antidepressants and stuff like crystals etc. whatever you think you connect to use. You don't need to find you - you just need to start doing whatever you love for yourself. I paint and write for me only me. That's been a blessing.