Don't know what to do anymore. Its ju... - Mental Health Sup...

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Don't know what to do anymore. Its just too hard.

clare222 profile image
8 Replies

Hi folks. I must sound like im on repeat um very sorry. But it is becoming too hard to continue any longer. All the histrionics of abuse etc. Me being riddled with guilt about murdering my baby boy. Who would be 17 now if id let my mum have him and just let her have the rape baby. It would have been brought up as my brother and wouldnt have known. This bi polar personality disorder nut job i am is destroying me. I want to die. I think no one would be one bit worse off for me not being here. Yesterdays silly tiffs an example of that. I cant handle being in this mind anymore. So sorry for annoying you. Dont know what else to do but.

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clare222 profile image
clare222
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8 Replies
DMM218 profile image
DMM218Ambassador

You are not annoying anyone. I appreciated your post and i think you are simply being helpful. Despite everything you have gone through you are a kind person. Not many people are and it's a beautiful quality which is so often not recognised. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Yes, you have a horrific past, and a mental illness but despite the bad days you are still here and still doing good. Take credit for that. Don't torture yourself. Instead remember you are strong. X.

clare222 profile image
clare222 in reply to DMM218

Thank you so much. Thanx to all of you who continue to try and help me. I feel very undeserving and am humbled by your kind words. I do feel unworthy though and see then i think geez i must seem so ungrateful to these lovely people. Buti cant help the despair and loneliness that consumes me. It makes me feel hopeless and for sure helpless. Id gladly help anyone if i could but i feel increasingly in this down period exhausted and that im on the last long road that i want to be on. I dont mean to ever seem ungrateful because i think you are all great taking time out with ll your own issues totry supporting a sad pathetic case like me. But i should maybe not write anymore and just end things because im continually feeling im draining light that someone deserving could have and as my birth mother says she wishes i was dead n wants to next see me in a box and birth father telks me im a nobody an absolute disaster and no one could ever want something so tainted. I should just die and let gods light shine on deserving people like yourself and everyone else. I am nothing. Sorry again for draining your positivity its just i have none. Thank you though.xx

DMM218 profile image
DMM218Ambassador in reply to clare222

Sweetheart how you are feeling is part of your illness and some really messed up parenting. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. It's not about gratitude or worth. As a human being you deserve to live. You deserve to live a life where you are respected and loved. You have been so abused it's totally affected your self identity. That's not your fault, that's your family's. You deserve better.

All that negativity is toxic. Putting that on anyone else is a sin. I've read that criticism should be seen as the persons who is criticising biggest fear of themselves. So when they have said this undeserving stuff they are talking about themselves. Think about that for a moment. Do the criticisms reflect their flaws and not yours. When I've done that myself it turned out to be true. It's also an easy way to respond. Your mum and dad have just told you how they feel about themselves - I'd give it back to them.

I know feeling suicidal is not your choice but a response to such extreme pain. I've been where you are within the last few days. I was so scared, so overwhelmed but it passed. I'm better. I'm not out the woods but I'm here to help. Depression is a tar pit and we are all in it. Those nearest recovery can and will reach out and keep you safe and together we can work can pull everyone back into safety. Try and keep going, a second, a minute, an hour a day. You are strong, you will feel worthy one day.

Anella profile image
Anella in reply to clare222

To be fair, ask yourself this question: "Do I have a right to decide who deserves to have the shine of God's light? The answer is no. It's Almighty God's light, not ours. He loves us all as the Creator of all humans. (Please read Psalm 100:3-5.) Being the Life-Giver, the relationship between him and us is that of a father to his children. Simply put, He loves us the way a devoted father loves his children. No sane human father wants to see his children die. Remember, each trial has a beginning and an end. Don't give up or give in. I'm here for you.

mysmugcat profile image
mysmugcat

I do know about neglect and abuse and struggle too. I am still fighting. I help others in my job. I am here for you. You are worthwhile.

CaptainCrunch profile image
CaptainCrunch

Hate to hear how you are suffering. So many horrible things life can throw at us. Lots of good people here willing to listen and walk through this pain with you. Please keep posting.

Anella profile image
Anella

I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. No one is ever better when someone dies. In the posts concerning grief, no one is ever saying that they are glad or better that a person is dead. It simply is not the answer. Bi-polar personality disorder is an illness. The Bible promises that in God’s new world, “no resident will say: ‘I am sick.’” (Isaiah 33:24) In the meantime, do your best to take advantage of any help you can get to cope with life’s difficulties. Doctor for meds, therapist for talk therapy, gym for exercise, this site to express yourself in a safe space. I'm here for you.

spzgirl51 profile image
spzgirl51

Hello clare222 ,

I read your post and my first thought was exactly the same as DMM218 : You are not annoying in anyway. You should continue to express your hopes and fears, it is a healing process I believe it really helps to share our worries. Traumas strips us of any glimmer of hope and blunts all self worth.

You are clearly a lovely kind caring person. it can be the hardest thing to do? but try be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

As mysmugcat says you are WORTHWHILE.

Bless you and keep safe.

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