Well, i don't know where to start this time. Its best described metaphorically. Im a rabbit crossing the road on a windy wet night. I can't see well due to the rain beating down on me and also because im crying. Iv not eaten for days because food makes me feel sick. The noises around me are like thunder. Each time they start they get louder and louder and all i want to do is curl into a ball and cover my ears but that wont help because for every bit of outside thunder the inside turmoil is like a knife twisting around in my head. Pounding. I hear people. Who are they, theres nobody there. Oh its my people the ones who chatter and shout and tell me to cut myself but that doesnt work anymore to stop pain stopped working at age of 26 started at 11. It used to feel great...dragging the compass in school across my arms. But that wasnt deep then a knife slice slice slice and like that for a few minutes things would be calm , quiet and watching the blood pour was like a hollow victory as i was letting myself see the suffering. But i couldnt feel a thing in that moment until the pain set in and id cover it up n hide it. Making excuses for bandages. Then it went to cutting my stomach. So disgusting i am i think. I have to destroy this flesh. Its rancid. Rotten to the core. All the while the mad voices like alice in wonderlands mad hatters tea partys on repeat in the mind from childhood. A very happy unbirthday hahaha. Nope a very happy death wish day to me. I am the epitomy of whats wrong with things. Im foul. Im dellusional for ever having a positive thought. God have to cut that out. How dare i be positive. Im so sick. A freak. A wrong one. Poison. A nobody. A waste of air. Nothing good will ever become of me. Im not evil im just nothing. Why would i ever be noticed for any good reason. How dare i be attempting to be venting even. What am i doung. Letting myself a joke bother other real people in need. I am undeserving of anything but being stoned to death like in the bible. I should be. I allowed myself to be raped, beaten, its my fault. If i wasnt born like my mother wanted then nothing would be of me i was a mistake. My birth mother wishes she had an abortion. Why though when i was raped the third time by 5 men and bruised but i deserved it coz i was drunk. I went to the party. But why if she didnt want me and gave me away, why did she want me to have that baby and it to be my brother. Why was i called a murderer for not having it at 18wks terminating it. But yes i am a murderer im sick. Im going to hell. Id give anything for my deceased father to hug me and tell me its ok but its not and hes in heaven snd then i used alcohol and drugs to blot things out. All of the bad things that happened. So il never meet him at the gate as im going to hell. But im in hell now. Real hell would possibly be better. Oh how can i be so narcassistiv when i have a beautiful child. But how could i murder the baby my birth mother wanted. But i didnt want to look at it im sorry. I can only sed those men. But i deserved it im grotesque. Oh the noise in my head is so sore. Im in so much emotional pain. I cant write the rest. I cant even focus. And i dont drink or abuse drugs in case you think that. Its my head racing. I havnt drank in a year and am clean the same. Im a mess. Sorry no one should read my utter senseless voices.x
Im so sad😣im so sorry for annoying y... - Mental Health Sup...
Im so sad😣im so sorry for annoying you all. PLEASE NOISE GO AWAY!!!!
Hello Clare it is very brave of you to share all of your stuff with the community and congratulations for being clean and dry for 12 months. Are you receiving any help say from the community or mental health services? Keep posting you will get loads of input from this supportive community. How old is your beautiful child? Hold on and things are not all your fault, you are important and you will feel that when you are stronger.
Dear Clare, You're reaching out....we're here and listening to you. A mind racing full of thoughts is hard to slow down...but you've put them on here and endorse yourself for that decision. It's positive and strong along with your health choices...12 months is a great achievement.
You have such resilience to have kept going through all the pain....please know that strength is still there and will help keep you motivated for your beautiful child.
Sunshine
Hey little rabbit, my heart goes out to you and i just want to pick you up from the wet street, wrap you in a warm blanket and cuddle you until you fall asleep in front of a warm crackling fire, all peaceful and silent. You are not a product of your past, you are a person in your own right, here in this very moment, you are stronger than you give yourself cred for. Yes, bad things have happened and you have found desperate ways of trying to cope with it, but nobody can be carrying all that with them for too long. You have already proven to be strong by staying clean for a year, that's amazing!! Really give yourself a compliment for that because that is a big achievement. You have the best motivation in the world to keep staying strong, your beautiful child. Although I am not a believer myself, I am pretty sure God does not send victims to hell, you are not a bad person, you know it and God knows it too, give him some cred too. You are worth so much and the world would not be the same without you. Just the fact that you wrote this post shows that you care and you should care cause you are important. The lesson you teach is important. Like MAS_nurse asked, I would too, are you receiving any help at all from the healthcare? and you are not annoying anyone 
You are most welcome here with us! We are very happy to have you Big hugs xx
That's lovely DragonTears. x
Yes it says it all and in such a good way. Clare you are so brave and well done on the 12 months success -- a great achievement. X
Thank you everyone for being so nice to pathetic me. My son is 14 and is my world. Hes always there for me and is why im still alive. I would have already killed myself but i dont want him blaming himself when nothing is his wee fault.
I have my GP whose lovely
My CPN and i lock horns alot shes v strict and i feel its like im in school and i have to behave for her or shel put me out.
I have a psychiatrist who is okay but i feel he cant really be bothered but i know thats my stupid mind telling me and i have a clinical psychologist who im just getting into learning how to have a conversation with.
Also i have an adult social worker. They are trging to get people to help me in going outside a huge fear and interacting in socity like food shopping without the paranoia.
Its all so hard. I. feel like im a little girl not a grown up. Like im just starting and am afraid of everyone hurting me and scared all the time.
Your support is great though. Its nice to think there are people whowould care about nobodies like me. So i thank you all. I just dont know if i can keep my head up much longer. Im sinking fast. Sorry. Im v negative but thats just how it is unfortunately. Thanx but. Sorry.x
Hiya Clare, you say, 'Its nice to think there are people who would care about nobodies like me', and, yes, there are lots of very caring people on this forum, but please don't think you are a 'nobody'. You are a special somebody, who deserves 100% to be treated with dignity, respect and kindness, always. Accept nothing less and take care,
Clare,
you love your son and he at present may be be your most important reason to live of course but when you feel well because I am sending huge Blessings and Angels to surround you and him, you will have many more reasons to keep living hon. I have been through some extremely dark tales in my life physical and mental holding the world record for the man who has been betrayed by cheating women,yes it almost killed me BUT I am here.I need to have faith someone as decent as myself is out here.You too will have reasons to go out in the beautiful sunshine,eventually go shopping with and for your son,go for a walk in a park,go for a coffee or tea.You proved your strength being sober for a year.Bless you sweetie,everyone here who has replied is rooting for you, like
Dragon Tears' mentioned you are among kind ,caring souls.Keep us updated ok? Hugs
I relate. On every level. To everything you said. Understand this, cruelty breeds cruelty. Cruelty within others has made you cruel to yourself, counselling is the first point of call.. that'll help flip the mindset.. but understand your worth is a thousand times every perpetrators. Regardless of the holes left in your heart, you are beautiful. Conquer your dark thoughts, set yourself free. Don't let your past keep you in chains. You deserve life. They don't. I'm here, just reach if you want to talk
Clare, rape is never your fault no matter whether you were drunk, insensible, wearing revealing clothing, invited the man back to your home, went to his and so on. It is his fault every time. You are NOT to blame - ever. Ok? Any man who treats a woman like that is the rotten one and deserves to be punished.
Please stop punishing yourself for things that aren't your fault. That is exactly what you are doing and you are taking the blame for it on your shoulders when it isn't your fault. As for anyone who doesn't support you especially family - well words fail me! You do not deserve this rubbish from anyone.
We are all worth a lot more than that - YOU are worth a lot more than that so please get help from your doctor and start trying to heal.. There is a good life ahead of you if you can find the strength and courage to go for it. We are with you all the way.
Stay with us as we will help and support you all we can. Stay safe. Lil xx
Thank you. I think because it happened at 14 then again then again the last being the one when i became pregnant by 1 of the 5 men i am consumed by so much self loathing and it was my family that said i brought it on myself getting drunk and that i should never have went to that house. I have had so much other stuff happen i just cany handle anymore. Im riddled with guilt about murdering my son. My birth father asked me the next day after coming back from england if i had fun watching my child getting its body ripped apart n did i see its wee head in a bucket and laughed at me. I really have so much in my head. Its too hard. It is my fault. I must have something in me that i make men hurt me. I have to. 3 times. And the fallout from that and the other things thatve went on. Im so rotten. I dnt deserve air or light. Sorry
There is only 1 reason for rape, only one simple reason for every rape in the world that has ever happened and ever will happen..rapists. End of. You have been victimised by several and had to go through hell for something that was done to you. They were predators and they lured you in when you were vulnerable and they knew it. That makes them monsters, plain and simple and I would like to see each and every one of those pay 100-fold for what they did to you. The worst part is that it is not over for you, whilst they go on the merry way, you are left with the ripped and bruised soul, the crippling thoughts, nightmares and guilt. This is so unfair I can't even express it in words. All of this is controlling your life now and it is dragging you down by the ankles. You have to take back control, bit by bit. Your birth father sounds unreal, I have no words. You made a decision for you and your body and future and he can have all the opinions about it in the world, but clearly he has no respect for you and seems right out like a cruel person. Sometimes you just have to cut that kind of rotten people out of your life. Maybe address it later, but you can do without it now. You have more important things to do now. Your health and power comes first. You have your wonderful supporting son - he is a product of you, and so if he is kind then it gets it from you, meaning you made something beautiful because you are beautiful, you have just forgotten it. Take back control from those bastards from the past, drain the poison of your birth father's words and take a first breath of clear fresh air and I promise things will slowly start lifting and clearing from your troubled mind xx We are here for you, always!
Oh Clare sweetheart I just want to give you a big hug and be there for you. Unfortunately there are still some people who believe the old myths that a woman can't be raped if she didn't want to. Also that in some way it is your fault because you were drunk! Women should be able to walk down the street naked (the same as a man could do) and be perfectly safe. It is also a myth that women are somehow responsibility for a mans sexuality therefore it's your fault if you wear the wrong clothes or aren't a mind reader to know what he plans to do etc. It's all a load of cobblers! Your family obviously believe that which says a lot more about them than about you.
As for your abortion, well I know it's a very controversial subject and no one likes it, but I am a firm believer that a woman should have total control of her own body, and no government or man should be able to tell her what to do with it. Others may disagree and that's their choice.
Your foetus didn't suffer and had a very quick death but of course you are extremely upset by it and I have never known a woman who wasn't. You were just the victim of cruel taunts which is a further form of rape.
Forgive yourself please, you can't change the past but you can your future. You didn't murder your baby - you had a legal abortion. I am sure you made the decision to abort for very good reasons and no one has the right to tell you that it was the right or wrong thing to do. It's your body and your life.
The way to get back at these cruel people is to live a long and happy life and show that they weren't able to defeat you. Don't let the barstewards win!
A great big hug for you Lil xxx
Ps Always here for you so pm if you want to please.
Thank you so much for your kind words. But it must be me coz why would it have happened before that time and why would i have had such a horrible life. Never wanted. Why would a woman who said to me she wished she could have aborted me but found out too late n had to have me then want the baby of a rapists. It wasnt one man in that incident either it was five. So it must be me. I was treated like a ragdoll. And when i came too i had to force another one not to rape me sgain and a boy came in saying leave her mate shes had enough and said u better leave before they all wake up and do this another full day. I had to leave the blood pouring down my legs and from the other part and covered in bruises. I had to live above them til i got the courage to leave my home and go to family whobelwerent much better. But i must give some sign or people wouldnt have treated me like meat since young. Im 38. What is it my personality disorder my crazyness that says yes hurt me beat me manipulste me abuse me. Lifes one big nasty ugly cycle that keeps recreating itself. Im sick of it.
Sorry. Thank you though.xx
Clare there are unfortunately many people who will victimise others they see as 'vulnerable' just to try and get a rise out of them. Like I said before it says more about them than about you.
What have you done that's so awful everyone could treat you like this? Have you attacked them with a weapon, have you held up a bank, kidnapped someone, beaten others up? Have you killed anyone? No of course you haven't. I know what are thinking on the last one but don't. If it was so against society to have an abortion then lots of women would be in jail wouldn't they?
You are very used to being a victim. What you need to do is to find out how to stop it and the vicious cycle of abuse. Maybe you unconsciously seek out people and partners who treat you badly coz it's familiar territory to you? I don't know but I do know you can change it.
People who are users and abusers have an uncanny knack of finding those they can abuse and it seems like this is happening with you. This includes family members too who can be very cruel. You need to stay away from toxic people and find good decent ones who will treat you as well as you treat them.
Get some counselling and find out what is going on please. x
Hi. I was in the middle of replying to your story. And I work at night and had to take care of something. I'm upset because I sat typing this whole thing to u and then I had to take care of something and it deleted. I don't have the energy to type it all again. I understand so much wat ur going through. From my heart sweetie. I mean it. My life was dysfunctional to say the least. One disaster after another. God is love. Give Him everything. All ur pain. Jesus died to show the world about forgiveness. It's not easy to forgive people that hurt u deep enough to take away ur ability to love urself and make wiser choices. U are a sweet and lovable woman. I can't word for word type out all that typed before. I don't remember exactly what I said. But I will get back to u. Father God. I come to you in Jesus name. Kn behalf of my sister. She needs you so much Lord. She's in darkness. She needs to feel your light. We all do. God give her the strength to see your divine purpose for her life. You obviously trust her very much. Because u know that with your help she can turn all these ashes into beauty. Give her the vision of herself the way you see her. Remind her that this is not her fault. That this does not define her. That the voices she hears are from the enemy. Remind her what you did to the enemy on Easter. That you took the keys of death from him. That all that believe in you will live in eternity w you . And that he has already lost this fight. Guard her mind dear Father. Drench her in ur peace. Holy Spirit Fill her now to over flowing. Show her the way out of this pain. Guide her in love. Let her know that we all love her. She is not ever alone for even a second. And that the gift u gave her in her son is to be cherished. Help her to guide him uprightly as he grows. To be the man you meant for him to be. In the name of ur precious Son Jesus. Amen.
I am so sorry. I understand much of what you say. I had neglect as a child and was adopted. We can talk more on pm sonetime if you like. You are progressing.
*Sometime
Clare I'm so sorry you've had such awful experiences which you certainly didn't deserve (nor does anyone) but thank goodness you have your son who sounds like a wonderful boy. Don't blame yourself for things which were out of your control.
I had protective parents all my life and a supportive husband for 20 yrs and had no idea that in my mid 40s and single, moving alone, I managed to find myself a stalker who did everything to cause me problems. I won't go into more detail but I always blame myself and allowed this to affect my life so negatively and really I lost myself. I would never have met him in my old life but now I was vulnerable and had no one to protect me!! People like this prey on vulnerable women!! Why would I blame myself? Because I don't think I'm good enough. If I met him today I'd still fall to bits bcoz of what he did!! I'd love to go back and do it all differently but I can't! My situation would've been easier if I'd been tougher and believed in myself!
Please Clare take every bit of help you can and try to keep away from the people who say hurtful damaging things to you. You're still young enough to make some changes and enjoy your life with your son.
I hope things improve and wish you all the good luck in the world. Big hugs Magsxx
Clare go to see a counselor you MUST talk in depth about your problems if you cannot afford it then Catholic Family Services will help they charge whatever you can afford I went for only $5 a session 1 hour. I'm not expert I can only imagine your pain and emotions but do go at least talk about it,even if it helps only 1%.I wish you the very best hon Blessings sent you way!
Hi Clare
I hope things are ok with you and your son today. All good wishes x
Thank you so much for your kind words. You probably saw the full silly tiff over my comment yesterday. Obv that made me even worse. I removed it as i was pressurised to. But it made me feel so awful that you cant say a word but other folk push you about with words. Tbh your comment was the only thing that lifted me pet so thank you so much. I wish you a good day and thank you again. I wish this black cloud would lift. Alas i think its here to stay. Oh well. Thanx Miss. Hope you feel good. Have a good day. If i can help you ever just msg me. Lotsa love.xx
Hi Claire
Was just wondering how you and your son are doing? Hope all going ok with you.
Have a good week x
I meant to text you during the week to see if things were a little easier -- sorry you were having such a rotten time. I didn't have the best week but with a friend tonight so that's good xx
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