Finally Admitting to Myself.. - Mental Health Sup...

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Finally Admitting to Myself..

JEVANS1
JEVANS1
14 Replies

Hello.. My name is Jess, I am 23 and I suffer from depression and anxiety. After many, many years of bottling up my feelings pretending everything was all good they all surfaced last week and I broke down. I now know bottling your feelings up is a very bad idea.

I don't even know where to begin on how to explain why I feel like this. But I feel I am pushing the people who are closest to me further and further away. I don't like that I am doing this but I cannot seem to stop myself. I just feel I am the disappointment of the family and sometimes feel would I even be missed if I wasn't here. I have never acted upon this though and I am hoping I will never act on this.

I just want to be happy again..

14 Replies
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WantToChange

Bottling up your feelings is never a good thing. Eventually the bucket spills over and you explode. It happens to me sometimes. Try to find an outlet of some sort. Limiting the stress in life helps me.

I knew someone who pushed people away. He kept trying to push me away too but I wouldn't let him because I loved him and he kept hurting me. He has pushed his entirely family away and every time he gives into the depression he pushes away anybody new he's let in. It took a long time but I think I've finally given up on him. It takes too much of my energy to pick him up off the ground. He's quite a mess now. He's in his 40's but this all started for him when he was in his 20's. I really don't recommend going down this road. It may seem like a solution to stop letting people near you but one day you will need someone to be there for you and you will really regret pushing everyone away.

You're too young to limit yourself in this way. Maybe you should sit with pen and paper and write down reasons why you think your push people away. And also HOW you end up pushing people away

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MAS_Nurse

Hi there sorry to hear you are not in a good place at the moment. All the replies have very valid points. If I was going to write down all the reasons why I push people away I would also want to write down why I shouldn't push them away and think about how not to do it. Take the first step and ask for help from the professionals. Good luck to you.

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Hidden
Hidden

Jevens Welcome

Make an appointment with your GP and explain your feelings. Do you know why you feel depressed or is the problem you just feel low and not know why.?

Generally most of us can wonder if anyone would miss us, depression makes us feel that way and basically family members would in many cases be shocked to know the way you feel so you need to move on from that.

Come back and tell us how you get on, we are here to help

BOB

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20Voices

Hi Jess,

You are not alone, I suffered from various ill health for a few years until I finally broke down and end up being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I know how hard it is to start and get things sorted out,but you have taken a huge step by joining the group. You will get some great advise on here. I found it good to know I am not alone, sometimes talking to people who know what you are going through is great.

Take it one day at a time and don't be scared if you have an off day, because we all do. I have learnt a lot and was lucky to have a good GP supporting me.

You will be happy again, I found after a while that I was never going to be the same person again so I stopped trying to find out why and what caused my anxiety and depression because I just didn't know as there was no big event around the time I had my breakdown. Anyway my GP signed me up for a CBT course on anxiety and depression because I didn't really want to be on medication so I wanted something other than tablets. I also did a Stress Control class which really helped. I saw a psychiatrist, well several really because it was locums in my NHS area, I paid to see a psychologist which worked well for me until I could not afford to pay for any more sessions.

It is find out what works for you. The main thing I have learned to is look after me and find out what works to show myself gratitude and forgiveness. I have changed the way I set my personal goals and how I look at life as well. I also started volunteering for a childrens charity when I started to feel better, because spending time helping out children makes me happy. I even started gardening and now have several plants surviving both inside my house and in my garden, which is great.

There is some many things you can and to help yourself, but make sure you get professional advise as well. Take a look at the Shaw Mind website this have some good information on there.

Also remember if you really need to just talk and it's late at night you have the charities like the Samaritans and Breathing space, if you are in the UK, that are good to call.

If you even just want to talk you can even send me a PM.

Take care and take it one day at a time.

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DMM218
DMM218Moderator
in reply to 20Voices

Dear 20Voices - your comment

after a while that I was never going to be the same person again

hit home with me. I have felt like that recently and was trying to accept this - me being damaged, slightly less.

But seeing your comment I've had a light bulb moment. Yes I'm different now, I am not the person pre breakdown and can't be again. It's not that I'm less - it's because I've changed.

Looking at Jess's situation also - she talks of bottling her feelings up. I know it was the years of repressed pain that finally became too much to bear when another event of rejection occurred. I broke. Ive been thinking I'm mentally ill now but actually I was more mentally ill back then when repressing everything, My symptoms may be worse now but at least I can't ignore them now. I have to look after my health now and that means acting in a healthy way for my mind.

So after all the things I've gone through in this process I realise now I'm not less because of depression. I've changed, evolved. I've become stronger. I think about thing differently. I see things from a different perspective now. Life is all about change, so in how I feel I know I am still living.

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20Voices
20Voices
in reply to DMM218

Dear DMM218,

I am so glad you had that moment and understand that it is not that we are any else of a person from suffering from an illness. I still don't know what the underlying reason for my problems is, but instead I am learning to see this as a chance for a brighter future. I can't change the past and those events, but I can learn from them and I can decide to move on and be a better version of me.

I broke too and my moment of clarity was realizing that I had let my glass of stress and worries fill up so much that I wasn't taking time for myself to relax and de-stress that eventually one final drop of stress cause the glass to break and it all flooded out as and horrible mess.

Now I am building my life in a way that I can spend time every day taking care of me and building in techniques that help me to recognize when I need to do more to de-stress. I also don't feel so guilty about having an off day now.

I am still taking medication, but I am hoping in the future that I will learnt enough of other techniques to be able to stop the medication.

We are all unique and yes we will never be the same again, but we will be stronger and better for all this. It just takes courage to say I will sort this for me.

Even on todays like today where I feel a lack of energy and down I can still see the hope for the future which I couldn't even contemplate a few months ago. So it is all about the small wins and the small steps for me.

I wish you and Jess and everyone else the best of luck and it is good to hear people say they have that point of clarity as well.

Take care and keep going, even on your darkest days remember you can do this you are worth it.

20Voices

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Hidden
Hidden

Hiya, lots of people will identify with this, so you are not alone. You have taken the correct step in recognising that things are not right and, as other posts have suggested, it is a case of finding the right help and support that works for you. A sympathetic and competent GP is often a good place to start. Best wishes.

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MAS_Nurse

Hi Jess, as the other replies have suggested, please make an appointment to see your GP to discuss how you are feeling. There is help and support available and please be reassured that you are not alone. Also, the Samaritans 24 hour Helpline [116 123] is available to you. It may be helpful for you to write down how you are feeling. Please stay in touch on the forum and let us know how you are doing. Best wishes.

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20Voices
20Voices
in reply to MAS_Nurse

Yes I agree Samaritans are are great help. I felt awkward about calling them because I felt my problem was so small, but I felt better after talking to them. Also when I told me GP I felt guilty about calling them and wasting their time he reminded me that is what they are there for and since it made me feel better and think the situation out rather than hurting myself then it was good that I called them.

So I would recommend calling them when you are at your lowest.

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DMM218
DMM218Moderator
in reply to 20Voices

The Samaritans are life savers. You don't need to be suicidal to call them. They do a great service just listening.

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Kainan_li

Hi Jess. I'm with you because it's really hard to let people in on our lives. It's way easier to say "I'm fine" and deal with things on own own. But when we isolate and push people away, all that's left are our own thoughts. And when we're feeling low, they can very quickly escalate and make a turn for the worse, turning our world upside down. Then we're left ruminating and trying to figure out why but never really do.

It's a good idea at this point to reach out. Heck I'm still learning to do this haha. And it doesn't have to necessarily be a psychologist or psychiatrist. We can learn from all kinds of people, not just doctors. Though I believe the advice we receive from family is the one we should treasure most.

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WantToChange

I was having a further think about the discussion of pushing people away... I've realised I actually do the complete opposite. I reach out and grab hold of people, I wouldn't even know how to push people away. I look for a lot of emotional support (mostly from people very close to me) but I also vent on additional people as well. It's fascinating how different we all are and how we differently we all operate...

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JEVANS1

I would just like to say I appreciate everyone's comments.. These have really helped me a lot. I don't feel as alone anymore, I know I can talk to someone. I have spoken with family but they do not understand much about mental health so I guess they're avoiding the topic which doesn't make me feeling any better but I will try and be more open with them.

I like the idea of writing all my feelings down on paper as I do find it very difficult to talk about what's going on inside my head. Also, once I do finally pluck the courage to speak about it I always feel myself about to cry that's when I shut down and stop talking.

I have been to see my GP however I felt worse coming out there and cried in my car as he did not seem remotely interested. He just gave me anti depressants but didn't let me open up to how I feel about taking these me personally I don't want to take any tablets. So, I've made another appointment to see another doctor who I am hoping will be more supportive of my situation.

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20Voices
20Voices
in reply to JEVANS1

Hi, I hope the other doctor was more supportive. I would also suggest looking to see what support is available in your area. There are a lot of charities who are offering support, some you need to be referred by your GP, but others you can self-refer yourself. I know hoe you feel about the medication. I felt the same at the start, but the medication has helped me to feel less tired and more in control.

Don't worry about feeling like crying all the time or when you are speaking about how things are with you. It is only natural. I've cried in front of my GP a lot and also in front of total strangers when things have gotten too much for me. It is embarrassing, but sometimes we have to let our emotions out. My Dad doesn't understand about anxiety and depression so we don't talk that much about it. My Mum and sister are better at understanding, but my Mum has a nursing back ground.

Have a look at the Shaw Mind Foundation website and at the support resources they have. There is guides that you can down load and maybe you can let someone in your family have a look at them as well. The "Let's Talk" section on the website might give you some ideas on how to talk to your family.

Also check what your NHS authority offers in support as well.

I hope this helps,

Take care.

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