Second post

[jsph554]

Hello, its Joe again. I still feel like I'm a failure, but the past few days have been uneventful, so that's OK I guess. Gives me time to get my thoughts together, which I have always found hard to do, let alone expressing these thoughts. But the feelings I dread feeling are still there. Upset, numb, the usual for someone with depression. Though I find myself thinking in circles all the time, and that can't be good.

[jsph554]

But the problem is that I keep failing over and over again, sometimes in big ways, sometimes small. And they all add up. But still, you're right, its the future I can change, not the past.

[new411]

Try and look at failing as a positive. It helps us to learn what to do different next time.

Also being uneventful is not always bad it gives you time to recharge.

[jsph554 in reply to new411]

I do learn what to do next time, but there never is a next time, the next failure is always different enough that I don't know how to avoid making these mistakes.

Having time to recharge can be a respite true, though other than that it doesn't help much.

[DMM218 Ambassador]

The only way we learn is by failing- so failure in life can be seen as indicative of someone who is still willing to learn. But I guess what you're recalling saying is that you don't feel good enough. Often if we feel we like a failure it's because we are feeling judged by someone else's standards. Can you think about that and assess how your feeling in an honest way against what you expect. I totally understand where you are at. I have lost so much of what other people use to determine life value - job, house, friends, partner and now my family is at risk. All of this because my depression is still taking over my life. There are many times I feel to blame. But I try to remember depression is an illness and it's not my fault if I have it. It's not my fault if medication doesn't control it enough. Also, even within the medical profession and certainly joe public don't understand that you can't control being depressed just as a cancer victim can't get better simply by positive thoughts. So, leave behind other people's opinion of what you can achieve. That's for you to know and if you fail it's because you are still learning. We don't scold a toddler for falling down when they are starting to walk. Be easier on yourself. You are doing what you can - when you can. That takes huge effort when you are depressed.

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

You're right, I am doing what I can, when I can. Though I may not be doing good enough for others, I am trying my best, and it does feel like a huge effort, but I still try. I do need to learn to be easier on myself. Hopefully I'll manage it someday, but in the meantime all I can do is keep trying.

Thank you for understanding. I have not lost as much as some-it could be argued I lost my home when I got kicked out at 18 (I was taken in by my friend, so I never became truly homeless, by which I mean on the streets), and my relationship with my then girlfriend has been lost,and my old friends I drifted away from-though I could lose a lot more than that if I let my depression take over, which it has been doing a great job of doing, and I need to stop that somehow, and its not easy to do that. Still, at least by trying I'm doing my best.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

You lose what you don't need - always remember this is an illness. My experience tells me it's the strong sensitive people who suffer most from mental ill health. Depression can be caused by not putting yourself first and trying to fit into other people's expectations. It's your life so live it as you choose - not someone else's plans or hopes etc.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

Why did you get kicked out?

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

There was an argument with my parents over something trivial, to be honest I forget exactly what that argument was about. It seemed like they kicked me out because I tried standing up for myself for once.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

Ok so I'm guessing there is problems with you and family. Are u still in touch with them?

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

No, they're useless at best, at worst they're partly responsible for my relationship ending. As well as the fact that they kicked me out over a simple disagreement. Not to mention that they were aware of what I now know is my Aspergers, and did nothing about it. And I think that I was neglected as a child.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

I was wondering. Often families not the nurturing loving environment we need. A lot of depression can be caused by long term stress i.e. You live in an emotionally heightened state to avoid conflict for so long it drains your brain of the feel good chemicals. If you were undiagnosed throughout childhood - your condition itself would have caused you extreme stress as you tried to make sense of a world in which you were kinda out of place. My daughter recently diagnosed at 12. The emotional stress we endured trying to get her to fit in, or defending her behaviour was immense. So depression seems like a reasonable consequence of all you've endured. Have you got people you can trust and who support you know?

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

I do, I have a friend who I live with, she does everything for me, I'd be literally dead without her.

Well my childhood was non stop arguing every day, so getting shouted at all the time over trivial things, and over things I didn't do, was very stressful.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

Living with Asperger will make you feel like a failure everyday all the time. The simplest things can be so difficult. I'm so glad you have your friend. You must work out your own happiness and build a nice shell so that the views of normal society doesn't stop you being you. There is no one who doesn't make mistakes. We are born to learn and change and improve. Most people stop learning or trying after their teens. Silly people! If you are living out of step with the world it means your following own path and not someone else's. Remember already due to your special brain you have endured more than most simply by living. The strength and courage you have is more than most. Accept your depression as a tool. It's a wake up call from your body and mind that the life imposed on you by society is making you ill. Work on yourself. Find your passion. Live it. It's a struggle with the illness but it will make you even stronger.

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

Well personally I think I'm more of a coward than courageous, I'm not courageous at all. That being said, I need to find my passion again, so I can live a good life. Thank you for believing that I am strong, I don't necessarily believe it, but one day I might.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

It's not belief it's knowledge. I know how strong my daughter is so I know you will be the same. Take care - good idea re diary - I bet it took strength just to post on this board. Xxx

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

When I first talked about how I felt to a doctor, I did used to shake from telling him about things. That doesn't happen as much anymore, it was 3 years ago now. So at least some progress has been made.

[mysmugcat in reply to DMM218]

Great post

[jsph554 in reply to mysmugcat]

Thank you.

[mysmugcat in reply to jsph554]

My reply was meant for DM answer. However I will say I recognize the torture, you feeling like a failure. This illness.

[jsph554 in reply to mysmugcat]

Oh sorry about that. I agree, DMM218 has made great posts.

[Finglas-Boy]

Hi Joe. Have you tried keeping score of the "Downers" v "Uppers"? Having a tangible/visual record of which is winning can help re encouragement, etc. Folk say "one day @ a time" but I try to take 3 days @ a time, ie; I wasn't bad yesterday which is encouraging me to tackle today & if I can reasonably get through today, hopefully this'll give me the motivation to tackle tomorrow.

[jsph554 in reply to Finglas-Boy]

That's a good idea, thank you.

[DMM218 Ambassador]

My daughter really struggles to go out, anything like a drs appmt is extremely stressful. She finds it difficult to talk and express herself. I'm only now getting more of an idea of her daily struggles after 13.5 years and 18 months diagnosis. We are very close and I try to be open and understanding. So I get it. For you seeing gp without anxiety attack is huge progress. If you find it difficult to talk maybe doing a note to gp may help. Is there any autism support group nearby so u can meet people on the spectrum. That can help - gives you idea that no alone and everyone has own set of autistic traits. Maybe some people have different ways of dealing with difficult situations that you can try.

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

I have used notes before and they do help. Support groups should be something I'll do in the future, that sounds like it'll help. Talking to anyone I find difficult, though I find talking in person or by phone to be harder than what I'm doing now.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

Yes, kid is same. Really awful on phone and if stressed talking face to face crap. We go for drives and she can open up. I think it's because we are totally focused on the talk. Have you checked out online forums for autism. I know my daughter did but never really took to it. The one good thing is now people are beginning to accept autism and start to get picture of what it's like. So hopefully, more people you interact with can have the understanding and compassion you need.

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

I'm glad that more people are learning to understand. I'll have to look into that.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to jsph554]

Anything I can do to help or want specific advice just message me ok

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

Thank you. This has helped a lot, I really do appreciate it.

[MAS_Nurse]

However you recognise it's a circle, there can be a break in it as you have recognised that it's there. Enjoy the times that are uneventful and give yourself a break. Sometimes writing down the feelings are another way of expressing them.

[jsph554 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

That's true. I'll try.