I have suffered with depression all my life ( I didn't know it though to be honest, it just felt like I had a grey cloud over me).Anyway, I am feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life. I have never been on meds but am considering it. I am having some guided self help therapy (IAPT).
I have a real physical depression, I can only describe it as a gut wrenching ache every day. Like you have been kicked in the stomach. The sort of feeling you would get if you saw your partner cheating or you lost something important. it never really goes away. I smile my way through it, I always have. But I feel like I am dying inside.
I have tried lots of self help measures ( books/audiobooks) , counselling and diet changes. What has really gone against me is how my life has gone. Basically I have never had any quality romantic relationships or friendships. I was bullied and school and my dad told me no one cared. I think this has made me a people pleaser. I have let the worst people into my life and they have used me for their own gain and hurt me. Now I have no one. I let them all go. Only my mother for support.
What can I do and how can I help myself if I have no friends/ partner etc? I am TERRIFIED to go out and try again. I have tried so many times and have got burnt. I have grown up and have lived feeling not good enough. Not in my looks, my abilities, anything. When someone has been horrible to me, I have blamed myself for not being good enough. I am a friendly and helpful person but this has not helped me to attract the kind of people I need. I see a lot of people who treat others frankly disgustingly but because of good luck/social support, they are thriving.
I am not working at the moment and I am stuck in limbo. I desperately want my life to change, but I feel I am cursed. I also regret my poor choices in people. I have put up with so much it is unreal ( all my exes have cheated, I have had 'friends' steal off me, leave me on my own when I am in vulnerable positions, not stick up for me when someone tried to cut my hair at a party... I could go on and on ).
Thanks for reading.
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Kittykatxxxxx
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I was a people pleaser for many years .. Not now though Kittykatxxxxx I often made bad choices and i , too would get hurt .. No more though. There comes a time when enough is enough and we can no longer carry on letting the people walk all over us and more. .. Self love is the key here. When we practise this regularly it becomes second nature and we get to then attract good people .. We have to turn upside down and inside out to walk and stay on the recovery path .. I saw these nasty people as rot and I let them eat away at me .. No more .. We need lessons in resilience .. I'm working on mine .. I know it works as only the other day I felt awful but I fought it .. I was determined not to let it beat me and by using positive affirmations it faded. I was great the next day and today I am gonna smash the day .. Squeeeeeeeeze as much as I can from it because it is a good day and how lucky are we to be able to have another go in the life lottery. I am blessed. I hope this can offers help to you.
Hi there. My greatest discovery was that the biggest disease in humanity is these words 'I'm not good enough''. I carried that dis-ease' for over 30 years. Here is what I discovered.... we ALL have a story, we are born with a download of our parents stories, then everyday we log everything we feel/see/hear/experience in our own personal story. When I was 3, my sister was born, and through the self awareness/self development work I have gone through, I discovered I DECIDED to believe I wasnt loved anymore, I wasnt important and I wasnt good enough!! ALL UNTRUE, however, that followed me through my life and affected my friendships/relationships and I didnt even have the awareness that I had created these beliefs. The moment I discovered the truth was the the moment I realised I can CHOOSE what I believe about myself. The words I pick out that is part of your story is 'no-one cares, I have no-one' 'When I try I get burnt'' 'I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH'. Once you start to listen to the words you are saying to yourself, you are beginning to listen to your story, and realise what 'story' you have written for yourself. At that point you CAN begin to take steps forward. i.e. when we are oblivious of our story we live through the eyes of our story. When we have an awareness of our story, we can move it to the side, say thank you for showing me what I have 'believed' but if it makes you feel low, then its not the truth about you. Your true self is FRIENDLY and HELPFUL (your words) and when you begin to look into the treasure chest of truths, you will only discover more of these kind of words. THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS - type that into google and have a read. YOU ARE NOT YOUR STORY - WHAT YOU ARE IS AN AMAZING PERSON, however, until you are able to see that for yourself, the world won't be able to see it either. This has been my journey of realisation, from 'Hating' myself to now 'Loving' and accepting the amazing person I have discovered. A place I can recommend to visit online is theministryofinspiration.com Its not a 'religious' site, completely the opposite, and definitely go onto the facebook page, for lots of lightbulb moments. If your goal is to change your life, then go for it! You have the capability, you maybe haven't realised it yet!
Hi Kittykat. Oh yes that dark cloud. I lived with it for most of my life and still do sometimes. It's got a lot better over the years with meds and counselling.
What you are saying about your parents sounds very similar to me. My mother always blamed me for everything and ran me down every chance she could get. She used to tell me I was like my father - secretive and sly and would ask me what 'trick's I have been getting up to. I was bewildered coz I wasn't up to anything and am nothing like him except facially. I was never good enough and she would tell me no one would ever like me, that I was obnoxious and so it. It was a constant refrain of my childhood and early adulthood. The damage it did to my self esteem was enormous.
Have a look at childhood emotional neglect. I came across this recently and it was like being struck by a hammer blow. All my symptoms were there and I learnt so much about myself and why I act the way I do. I will find the link for you.
I'm kinda late to this but I empathize and I relate to a lot of what you say so I had to say something. I think when you're treated poorly as a child it destroys your self esteem and you sort of internalize being a victim, and feel helpless and subconsciously assume that's normal, so then you carry on these patterns of behavior that are bad for you, like letting the worst people into your life and generally just not feeling great about yourself. Not that I'm saying the bad things that happened to you are your fault! You didn't deserve to be treated badly, especially as a child. But sometimes we just don't know any better due to the way our minds have been shaped since early childhood. Personally I feel that having bad self esteem makes me a target for abusers. I think having better self esteem and confidence would really give you the power to make positive changes in your life. That's easier said that done of course, and I don't really have any great advice to give you. You did say that you've let these negative influences in your life go, so I think that's probably a great start.
I'm not an expert on the subject, mind you, I'm currently going through the worst time in my life. My life is so messed up that I've considered suicide. I've been trying to work up the courage to go to therapy. You mention guided self help and that you've gotten counseling. You don't specify if that was helpful or not, I think talking to a professional about your issues may be a good idea, like maybe they'll offer some perspective or solution that you hadn't thought of before. I don't know if you've heard of something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I think it's supposed help you change your way of thinking about yourself or your behavior or something of the sort.
Also about the meds, I've never taken meds either, I think I'd be terrified to try them but I don't know much about the subject to be honest. One thing I would recommend is that you get a check up, you know like your vitamin and mineral levels and all that stuff. I recently found out that my vitamin D levels are apparently dangerously low so I'm gonna be taking supplements for that, it will certainly not fix all my problems but I hope that at least I'll feel a little bit better.
Anyways, I really wish you the best and I hope you feel better :).
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