I'm new here, so I feel like I should share a little bit of backstory. Since I was 11 years old, I received support from CAMHS to help tackle the issues I had with anxiety so i've always had a bit of a bumpy road with mental health. These days I have very, very few issues with anxiety, I'm a pretty confident person, a job and I also study science at University. Despite having a great life at the moment, I enter phases of depression which seem impossible to get out of, at the minute I am not seeking help for this as the depression seems to come in waves rather than being a constant problem.
Ive developed a low self esteem that's seemingly came out of nowhere, I'm not a shy person and ive always been pretty confident in myself, but recently I've been really stuggling with my self image and when I have bad days I have suicidal thoughts such as 'nothings ever going to change so why should I keep trying' & ' Everything in my life is a failure and I'm never going to be successful'. I know these thoughts aren't normal or rational but they can be over whelming.
Ive always been very up and down and when I spiral into a depressive period, it can take several months for me to get a grip of things again. At the moment I don't feel as depressed as I have been in the past and I am functioning as normal. Normally when I do get depressed I struggle to maintain self care and my social life etc, so its feels unusual to have such strong thoughts when overall I feel okay?
I know I should probably visit my doctor and explain what's going on in my head but I feel that because I'm not constantly depressed and sometimes these periods only last a few weeks they wont take me seriously as sometimes I'm completely fine. ( I also just want to mention that these periods aren't followed by episodes of extreme happiness or anything like that)
Can anyone say that they've ever been in a situation like this? Or share any advice for how they manage feelings such as these? Its so difficult to describe how I can be okay sometimes and other times I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do or how I can make things better for myself.