Always and forever the same

Hi i've been on healthunlocked before. I have a very big problem with my memory so i dont rememeber my old acc details or passwords so this is a new acc.

Every since i can remember i've haf problems with my memory and i think they started when i had ECT back in 1985 i think not really sure what year i just no it was before my daughter was born.

I've alway felt worthless and not good enough to be here alive breathing air

I hate myself i always have,(the way i look the way i talk the way i smell the way i afect other people it seem like i just make them feel down)

I've tried to end my life mutipul times but as you can cearly see i'm still around my GP tells me that i suffer from manic depression, server depression, GAD i never go out of my house only if its an appointment at the doc's or hospital.

IDon't answer the front or back door o never answer my home phone or my mobile unless i know the number which would be my daughters or the doctors. (By the way i would just like to say said for all the spelling mistakes i'm not to good at spelling) now thats out off the way i feel like i'm trap, trap in a place without windows or doors and its dark theres no light for me.

IVe tried every anti this and anti that you can imagine but to what end there is no end for me no happy everafter i haye being me i wont look in a mirror unless i really have to. I cant watch tv or listen to the radio because i only have to see a chil or animal getting hurt and them pictures and sounds would stay with me for the rest of the day.

I'm sorry to go on and on but this all started in my late teens and now i'm 51 to many years to be unhappy to many to be sad to many to be feeling alone like no one listens to you no seems to be helping you know one seems to care.

Years ago they use to send me to parkhouse hospital 4 maybe 5 times a week and i loved it and it was helping me it did give me confidance and after about nearly a year of doing that i was begining to feel like i cuold be happy,that the world didn't stop turnning just because i closed the door,yet sometimes i wish it would theres so much i want to tell all of you but this post is already like a book i'll be luck if anyone reads it.

I know how hard it is to think and feel the way we do, how hard ot is to explain to someone just whats going on in your mind and the reason being its because wr dont know ourself. Thank you for taking the time to read my mini book and godbless.

3 Replies

  • Great that you are here now Janeanne1 and can start to make positive changes to enhance your life quality .. We all have different ways of managing depression and so I am almost certain you will find something to suit you here on site

  • Hello and welcome. I'm sorry to hear these things. You sound quite sensitive, if so I relate. Are you in contact with your daughter much, is she a support? Do you have a pet? I love my cat. I lost my partner recently to cancer I'm sure my post may sound strange. Thinking of you.

  • Hello Jane,

    I haven't experienced the world as much as you.because I am only half of your age. But I think I have an advice for you.

    Listen and watch YouTube videos that talk about the positive aspects of life, or children's stories or something light hearted. I do that. I am a Hindu, so I listen to video's that talk about 'bhagavadgita'(a Hindu religious book). I just grasp what things are good for me and leave out the others. I also watch videos that talk about how to attend interviews, how to cook .documentaries about history. And the art of life. Type art of living in YouTube.

    One of my friend does this.just type 'music for sleeping' in YouTube, you'll get lots of suggestions.choose one and listen. I generally watch 60''s and 70''s movies when I feel lonely feeling it as my time.

    Not everything on TV shows killing of animals. These days we have the chance to filter the content that we want to watch.

    Sorry, for the long post. Hope this helps.

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