Waiting for what

[Delzek]

I have been suffering so long with Skeletal degeneration and what they now say is "anklossing spondylitis "? I have Diverticular disease PTSD and agoraphobia among other ailments, I have been waiting patiently for treatment for my back have had the injections but nothing really helps! Wasted a Consultants time and my own yesterday going to an appointment for treatment i am already receiving? No matter how i sit or stand laydown pain is unbearable! Oramorph and Zomorph barely touch the pain,my stomache has been acting up yet again (diverticulitis ) I bring up blood and poop blood ! Dr sees me gives me the finger and says you got piles!! Doesn't even mention the diverticulitis or acknowledge the blood i bring up excuse the pun but its sickening how even though he can see my weight loss and how my skin colour has changed (yellowish tinge) I am thinner in the face and everywhere else apart from my stomache which is bloated ! I eat then am ill, I dont eat and am ill ?a no win situation!

Funny I believed that if I was patient I would get the treatment I obviously need,but to no avail. Perhaps the government think that people like me are not worth the expense of the treatment? I dont know I am not afraid just angry,i thought this year would be better but its not ! So I am laying down in pain Waiting ! Waiting for what? Treatment help what?

That. Is the million dollar question " Waiting for What?"

[spykey Ambassador]

Hi Delzek

Welcome to our Friendly, Supportive, non-judgemental forum!

I can see you have a lot going on for you medically, which is not easy I'm sure, and can drag you down emotionally too!

We will try help & support you in the ways we are able!

Have you considered taking a look at some of the Arthritis or Pain forums who may understand how your pain is affecting you more specifically! That doesn't mean we don't want to help or be there for you!

I'm sure you understand that those who are suffering from the. Conditions you are suffering from may be able to give you some extra support, more specifically!

Warm Wishes & Blessings . Take Care spykey 🤗

[Delzek in reply to spykey]

I am on the other sections ,this one is the one for depression hence my posting on here,I have been on health unlocked for a long time,I closed my previous account Del01 due to change in admin and moderating precess I found new mods appeared to have different ideas on how the place was ran so left,as a poster but as it has gone back to the original format or as close to it i rejoined , Hopefully admin and mods will be non judgemental and read from the same rules ( it does seem to be more like the original set up ! Thankfully) and thank you for your reply,I beleive my post is in the right section as it relates to how I feel i was not asking for help with my pain on the physical side its the despondancy and trying to figure why i bother?

[chloe40 in reply to Delzek]

Hi Del,

Just wanted to add that if you have any issues with Administrators or moderating, please message me.

Good to have you back.

Chloe

[Delzek in reply to chloe40]

If I had a problem I would pm admin and state what it is,Fortunately I speak my mind but am very fair! I am against over moderation as it is against everything H U stands for or at least stood for! It has almost always been a self moderating forum and rarely did moderators have to stand in and say something which is how I and many others like it tbh, and thankyou for your offer! Del

[Delzek]

Ok my post did not seem to clearly state what I was trying to say or at least it seems like it!

"Depression can cause pain, and Pain can cause depression! FACT!" I am sick of waiting for pain releif I am sick of my depression the falling down the deep dark pit! The pit where yes I have been suicidal but am too much of a coward to go through with it ! Or perhaps I dont want to cause someone else the pain of depression? Whoever finds you after the deed will undoubtedly be affected and I do Not want to be the cause for someone else's suffering!

I am not an emotional person I try to use logic (logic is not logical) I keep my feelings to myself in real life,but can be honest on this site and say how I feel.

I have again saved enough for when I really do give up,I will go to Dignitas, I have done this whilst still in a semi coherent state and not in the depressive state i am now! This is the point of my Question " I am waiting but waiting for what!" Am I waiting with hope in my heart that i can and will be cured? Am I waiting for some kind of magic or miracle? Or am I just waiting to leave this mortal coil? "Waiting For What???" I have always fought my depression and my physical ailments but I no longer have the fight within me! Can't people see that ? I don't have the strength anymore.I really feel like I am drowning I am losing my fight yet i am even fighting that! Do I make sense? I am not suicidal I am bloody scared ,scared i am really going to give up and just stop, I have never been good at saying what i mean i just hope Someone can understand what I mean? So sorry I am not as strong asvI thought!