The past is the past and the future is the past

[P4u1]

This is the first time ever that I have signed up to a site like this and the first time I have really decided to explain myself in detail. Actually wrong, the first time I have had the opportunity to explain myself without a time frame (ie. friends having to go to work, credit running out on phone or CBT person only having a half hour slot).

I don't really know where to start. Recent events have brought on my depression again and it's that bad I have only just taken sick leave from work because of it because a symptom is 'taking it out on customers' which I have done recently and it is totally out of character for me. As I write this, my head feels like it is going to pop and my face feels like it's drooping. Does that make sense? Right now I think this first post is going to go on forever so I ask that, if you're still reading up to this point that you please continue. I will eventually say something that will trigger you to carry on or even consider asking a question.

I don't want people to say "stay strong" or the typical "you'll feel better soon". Yes maybe I will. I'm not taking any antidepressants because simply I can't be bothered. I suppose there is a part of me that is doing so because when I tell someone it will attract attention maybe? Is that what I'm doing? Trying to attract attention? I suppose yes and want it so badly I'll say anything to get that, but at the same time I don't want people to worry because they'll think less of me or worry without really needing to.

I've been feeling low for a very long time, I guess towards the end of my 20s. I'm 32 now and have nothing really to show for it. I still feel and act like I'm 18 or maybe younger. There are so many reasons for this and seriously this post will just go on and on. Because I haven't been able to explain myself properly. I guess eventually I'll get to the past which as we all know is meant to stay in the past, but really, because I'm still affected by the past, that the past is still here in my present. I really don't see myself doing anything major in the future because the past seems to want to control my future and I cannot, I really cannot see any way of stopping this. The talks I have had at CBT were good enough for the 'moment' I had whilst there, but then I had to wait a week to talk about 'last week' and all the guy did and could really do was give me a sheet of paper to work out what was wrong, when it happened so seven days later I could talk about it again and go deeper into the problem I was trying to get out of at that exact 'moment' in the present. 

I've got this far without really giving anything away as to what my problems are, but as I said, I've not been able to explain anything with the means I had to do so. So, I've babbled. I guess I'll wait till my next post to go into some more detail. But I don't know where to start. From the past or in the present....

[Hidden]

Hi you have taken the first step by coming in here so well done on that.  People on here will say 'Stay strong'  and 'You will feel better soon'.  Staying strong is not dismissing your depression but encouraging you to deal with it and a reminder that you are stronger than you think,  coz everyone is.

Saying you will feel better soon is often true but only if you seek treatment.   Look I get what you say about not being bothered to do anything coz everyone with depression feels like that.  It is one of the few illnesses that you have to do something first to become motivated rather than the other way round.  

Many people with depression will recover without any treatment,  and many like you won't.    If you had a physical illness would you just do nothing?  No you would seek help from a medical professional wouldn't you?  There is no shame or guilt involved in being depressed you know and it strikes at random.   I understand that apart from back pain,  mental health is the main reason people see a doctor so you couldn't tell them anything they haven't heard 100 times before.  Meds and/or the proper type of counselling help most people and they probably will you.    I didn't get on with CBT but I have had talking therapy and it has helped me move on from my past and stopping it intruding into my future.     There is hope that you can too - but you must seek treatment to feel better.   x

[Hidden]

Hello

When I read your script I began to notice that there are problems with your personal life that seems to be causing you grief. Only various forms of CBT can get down to your fears and concerns and understanding the problem and acting on those worries will help you come to terms with its causes.

Again I would advise that you chat with your GP and arrange some alternative treatment plan, only you can take that pathway so an appointment next week may be in order.

If you feel we can help that is fair enough or if you feel you need more help with a listening ear, we are here, although your GP is always that first port of call.

Depression is a very attentive illness and generally we need to attend with it as soon as we can, if you have not attended to the cause how can you begin to address your concerns and resulting disability

Attend to your concerns then look towards any changes that will help you continue on a less worrying lifestyle

BOB