downide

[vienna]

HI everyone , I have had depression for long time . I have selfharmed ,been at hosphcstital and treated last , as felt I have just self harmed .......I have to fight my self harming not good .....I find if I don t self harm I feel worse, I hate doing it .....but it makes me feel good inside ....to night bad night I knew it was drawing in I know when its going to happen People think am mad ..may be I am ..but I don t think so .I knew my head when it changes ,I try and protect people ...if you understand ... I do ...But my BRAIN and head change I cannot control it ..I want to ...I think of killing myself ..but all I can do is self harm.....and am sorry to say I love it ...then I come down....I have not self harmed for a month ,,,its not deeping but I have in my head more ideas dr or pyshtiatrist is no help . Iam on the road to fulfilling my aim and that is suicide .BUT no not know my angle in life ..please need a reply xx

[KHaynes]

Your experience i. a&e is appalling

I have OCD the compulsion is familiar the relief as well

But the gaps between decrease and the obsession takes over

[KHaynes]

Starting for the fourth time

Someone does not want me to write this!

You are not mad

If you already have depression you did well to come here

Can you try another Dr they are human you will not like all of them

Have you tried Samaritans?

They are recommended on here

I have OCD I understand about doing something you don't want to which gives you relief

Also I tried to kill myself twice

Life can be very cruel

But it is precious as I am sure you feel or you would not have asked for help

The Dr will tell you mental health is not linked to your monthly cycle at least it has not been proven but I know people including myself who say it is in their case

If so then contraceptives may stop your cycle and give you relief

But this is a very personal choice it may not be best for you for many reasons

As an alternative you may be prescribed medication to take you through times of crisis like I do

If you can accept that the chemicals in your brain need to be tweaked you are on your way

Music exercise a good diet and fresh air all help too

Please find a counsellor to go over this with even if you have to write down or show them this post

You have come this far keep going even if you only manage to post on here again

Sorry it took so long I kept deleting by mistake

K x

[vienna in reply to KHaynes]

Thank you Khaynes for your reply,i have phoned the samaritians, I have even phoned the crisis team at the hospital ,they said not worth coming down as you will have to wait 4 or 5 hours. My psychiatrist who I see says I am not at the stage to openly talk about my problems, as I cannot cope .I understand I cannot open up .....as I will go completely off the rail .Am not ready to open up, in fact I am scared of what I will have to face . I do not like going out but I force myself to shop for my daughter we eat healthy .As for the period cycle I suffered very bad with pms I tried everything. I have thought it could be connected with my cycle as 1 a month I go insane and selfharm to bring my self back to normal ...if that is possible . Iknow my symtoms when they start so that is good. Good luck with your ocd and ty for replying xxx

[KHaynes]

You are amazing people never cease to amaze me how can you be so strong

It is lovely to hear you talk about your daughter who you clearly care for very much

Is there really no way to help with MPs has anyone here found the same as me?

I agree the talking bit is the worst thing to anticipate but like bad dreams when you get them out in the open they do not seem so bad

Don't get me wrong the struggle is huge

Can you talk about the pjs to your Dr from what you say it has not been discussed

I would so love to give you some hope

People used to say behind my back they thought there was nothing wrong with me my husband left

My dad abused children and died in jail but when I was married it was just an evil rumour a dark secret

Evil will come to light

I am so sad to hear you have had darkness in your life

I am an told hand now it has taken years to get me here

I have a happy ending

I met a wonderful man who made me feel like a queen

I lost him two years ago but I will never forget who he was and what he did for me

But I still need other people we need each other please post from time to time we are not quick to answer but we really care

K xxx

[vienna in reply to KHaynes]

Hi k Haynes Iwas also abused I have hidden things for so long ,my so called father when I told him and mum I had been abused by babysitter he said "you were a whore then and still are : I was 9 years of age . I was in 20s when a councillor told me to tell my parents ...I hit rock bottom I have fought to climb up ....but all I hear in my head am a whore ...I cannot get it out . Ok after that exper with him I did sleep around because that is what I think I am ....But 9 I did not know I was innocent like children should be .To day I remember stuff connected with him ...but I cannot separate if it is real... it s real to me ...did he abuse me I remember so many things from the house were we lived ....I blank it out ..as I do think deep down he did . My mums sisters tell me to tell my mum....I cannot do that she is 75 now she remembered me crying when I was abused but did not know.I can not hurt my mum. That's why I suffer to know the truth in my head . But I know its the truth whats gone on . so many things I am remembering as I write this ..

I thank god he is DEAD as he raped my mum in front of me and battered her , so I know deep down I know what is real xx