Depressed, anxious, alone.

[completeradiosilence]

Hello

for 7 months I've been signed off by my doctor for anxiety/depression. I started taking a course of Sertraline starting from 50 now up to 150mg. I've also been prescribed diazepam and sleeping pills to calm me on occasion as well as 10mg amitriptyline recently for painful skin.

I've been silently dealing with dep and anx all of my life but went to the doc to seek help 7 months ago because I couldn't do it any more. I'm 43.

I haven't had any 'official' diagnosis as yet but have had many assessments. 2 telephone, 2 phychiatric - who told me after the 1st that I had to go on a course for drug/alcohol missuse. I was honest about the drugs I have taken in my lifetime but tried to make them understand that I am not or have never been an addict and that I binged because of how I feel, and don't feel like this because of drugs. I have felt like this to varying dedegreefor as longlong as I can remember. After completing this course I was then referee to another for recovery which I am supposed to be attending now. Each time I'm referee to someone I have yet another assessment but never any help. I've gone through periods of self harm, suicide is never far from my thoughts if it gets the chance to pop up amoung all the other things I cannot stop thinking about. I've felt and acted on rages which come and go and I cannot at present get out of bed. I've been put on statutory sick pay from work and am receiving housing benifit to help with my rent. My boss (who was part of the triggering mechanism for this latest and worsening bout) last month cut what he was paying by 100£ without warning leaving me unable to pay rent. Housing benefit have reassessed my claim but have made no real difference. I cannot talk to my boss as he makes me feel more anxious that anything, he's a bully and sociopathic control freak- a male version of every girlfriend I've ever had. My relationships always turn destructive, often violent but I have such huge dependency and abandonment issues I can never walk away. Issues that are also triggers for anx and further depression. I've been in touch with my doctor usually on a weekly basis and been in touch either personally or through friends with the psychiatric unit who keep telling me they're going to get back to me or my doctor but never do. The last time they called me was to invite me to see the actual psychiatrist and that was a month ago. He said it would be 2 weeks.

I'm so desperate. I can't speak with my friends anymore really because I feel they're losing patience and so I'm getting more and more isolated, withdrawn and alone and desperate. I haven't had any money for 5 days now and havnt eaten anything proper in that time. I find it very difficult to attend the latest group I've been referee to because it's based around alcohol recovery when I've hardly touched a drop of alcohol in my life. My doctor says I've slipped through the net but seems powerless to do anything. Every time I ask I feel like they think I'm making g it all up! I'm so tired all of the time and yet have trouble sleeping. I have zero motivation for anything... I used to paint, write and play music , I play a lot of instruments. But I cannot bring myself to do any of them. I feel now like I just don't care about caring. But I'm also aware of the fact that nothing will change if I don't do anything and feel trapped and completely alone.

can anyone suggest anything?

Thank you

[Stilltrying_]

Oh my goodness, it sounds like you've hit a very bad spot at the moment with things mounting up and conspiring against you. Having money worries is no joke and I really sympathise with your position. Also well done on sponsoring others who have been through hard times; that is a courageous and kind thing to do; you say you cannot relate to the problems of the person you are sponsoring at the moment and I can understand that as drugs and alcohol are different but I'm guessing as well that one of the things that can happen in these situations is you are being asked to support someone else when you are in a very vulnerable position yourself. Sometimes all you want is help and care for yourself and it can be so difficult to find I know.

It must be horrible for you to think that people believe you are making things up. I often have that sort of worry myself. Mental pain is real pain and has real causes, some of it in our bio-chemistry and some of it in our backgrounds or upbringing but it is real and it can hurt really badly; so I for one know that you are not making it up as will others on here. You are doing the best you can with a sort of broken spirit may be the best way to put it and trying to get the right help for this can be very difficult indeed.

I don't know if you've ever thought about the idea of post traumatic stress relating to you? I have found a lot of my feelings tie in with this and have looked on the heal your PSTD forum on healthunlocked and found some things helpful.

I'm sorry I don't have any magic answers. I can say the things I tell myself when I'm bad which is for one thing a phrase " This will pass". I find that very useful when I hit a complete crisis point as for me the absolute terror of a crisis does normally subside after a few days. Apart from that all I can say is try and look after yourself to the best of your ability. You are not alone. There are people on here and in other places who understand and want to help the best they can.

Gemma X