This time last week I was hospitalised following an overdose. I was released on Saturday, and have since been having daily visits from a home treatment team. I've swapped medication from 20mg of Citalopram to 50g Sertraline, obviously not feeling any effects just yet except a fuzzy slightly drunk feeling. I have no motivation to do anything. I keep trying to sleep to make time pass quicker, but I wake up after only and hour and feel really frustrated. I just feel stuck I guess, nothing seems to be happening to try and help me move on, home treatment seems to be just for monitoring rather than tackling the problem.
I still feel suicidal, but I'm so frustrated because I can't do anything about it; I have a family that I support quite a lot despite the fact that I'm at Uni and live away from home. My family don't know and can't know about my problems because they have a lot of their own problems to deal with.
I feel so selfish for wanting to harm myself as they depend on me, and I don't want to affect my housemates Uni work by trying again as I think it worries them. I'm basically living for everyone else, not myself. I want to die, but it seems not even my own body is mine to leave if I want as I'm tied to everyone else. I hate it.
I feel so stuck. I don't want to fail next time I try, its just finding the right time and making sure I do it right. I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital like my Mum was.....
Basically I can understand the feelings you are suffering, several years ago I attempted to end it all and was transported to A and E and went through the whole system of bringing back and realizing that the whole problems people have when depression becomes to much to bare.
On thing you should try, talk to your family, you need too realize that if you you do not tell them how you are, and what your feelings are doing What would they feel,if anything would happen to you. You are totally in your rights to have your feelings taken in account, there is nothing selfish in this.you need to explain the problems you are having in life,just like what you have been doing for them. You may find that they would give you the support you are striving for.
Suicide can be a selfish act in itself,my immediate family and in laws were shocked to know what I had done,I went through the whole gambit of family feelings, from shock, sadness that I had not approached them, anger for the same reason.
The feelings go through more feelings,they can feel you are selfish, and they on occasions feel, severe feelings of disbelief that you have not told them what was going on in your life,why did you not share your feelings so they could give you the support that you really need to continue on with all your lives.
Part of life is not just thinking of other people, you need that support yourself all this is part of living.
Remember you are part of your family unit . Your Mother has suffered as you,She should understand what your feelings are,the whole thing will be a learning experience and help you to grow more in your future life
When I was young like you are I was been trained as a Marine Engineer,my courses were extremely hard, Mathematics and science subjects left me numbed, I suffered my first Depressive episode. I found that I was on the wrong course for me,so I had to start again on a different pathway,today I am sixty three, registered disabled and unable to work.
Since my attempt,I went through the same pathways as you. One thing I have realized is because of what I had done, attempted,my wife has now had to take away my medication management and never I mean never allows me to have any more than two days medication,I suffer Chronic Pain that has lasted for near on thirty years,if I need additional medicine doses,I have to ask, she now watches me take my tablets. She now has to order them for me and pick them up, now I am note trusted, She has a problem where she feels guilty that she had not realized what was going on. Those feelings sadly never leave her. so it is a good example of what happens,in other peoples life that have been caused by my selfishness. This is just one small example of how our actions will effect other peoples lives.
Over the years I was a volunteer in a mental health day centre, we found that many members,gave each other support , Over a ten year period we had lost three members who had died,not one of them to suicide,many realized that it was not them that suffered, it was those they would leave behind.
Please talk to your family the treatments are there to assist you do not feel you will end up in a mental Health hospital, you are still along way from that, although remember You have support here.
I've been through periods when all I have wanted is for life to end. I've thought about suicide but never done anything about it - mainly because of the effect on those I know and those I don't know (the poor beggar who would have to find the body).
Up until a few months ago I would have low periods when thoughts of death or suicide would come at me every few minutes and it was really distressing. Then I realised that it was an anxiety loop - thinking about death and suicide is one of the brain's natural responses to being in a period of huge stress - I know this from talking to friends who have never been depressed but have reported episodes when they found themselves thinking about killing themselves when they were really distressed. For them the realisation was a moment that flipped them into focusing on other solutions but for some of us we get caught up in being distressed and stressed by the thought. Rather than getting the message the brain tries again with further thoughts of death and suicide and things quickly spiral out of control. I managed to get out of the spiral by visualising the thoughts as unwelcome callers and rather than cowering in my brain hoping they would go away I opened the door - acknowledged them but told them that I wasn't interested. I thought I'd have to keep going at it for months but in the end it took just a few days for things to calm down and now when a thought does come along my first reaction is 'oh, I'm a bit stressed' and I don't get caught up in the downward spiral.
You are probably right that at the moment people are watching rather than doing anything specific about getting you to a better place. This is probably because they are waiting for the medication to start having an effect and get you to a place where you can start thinking about other treatments that might help you. Unfortunately it can take a few weeks for the medication to have an effect.
As Bob says - the affect on other people if you do something will be devastating - that's not to say that you should be living for other people but that I'm sure that you are the sort of person who doesn't want to cause other people to suffer - that is a fundamental part of you - recognise it and be true to it.
You say that your family have their own problems - but sometimes it can be a help to have the chance to focus outside of your own problems for a while.
One theory about depression is that it is part of a period of transition from one direction that is not really what we want to another that is. The fact that you feel so strongly that you are living your life for others rather than for yourselves suggests that may be you are pursuing your parents and teachers dreams for you rather than your own. That is understandable and a lot of us do that - but please remember that what your parents, friends and teachers really want is for you to be happy and if that means doing something else that will be okay - you just have to have the courage to break your current path - it may sound hard but it can be a huge relief.
I also know right now that happy is probably a totally foreign concept on an emotional level.
like bob and sue say, do speak to your family. You obviously care about them, and they care about you.
Any family would rather ask themselves : ''What can we do?'' Rather than have to ask : ''What could we have done?''
I don't know what experience your mother had in hospital, but if you did seek help there, you would at least have the possibility that things might get better..
Hi Lilly you say that you feel stuck and I can understand how you feel that way. If you had this attempt only last weekend. It's a bit early for any big change. I won't
Reiterate what Gambit and Bob have said, but sometimes Depression can be
A sign from ourselves to say that we are feeling stuck. We might need to. Make
A change as the way we are living our lives is causing us emotional pain
Maybe if we can see Depression like this it would not be so bad. Sounds to
Like you have taken on to be responsible for your family, but who is there for you.
Please be glad your still alive as your family would be distraught. Try a and tell
Them what's going on. Because as Gambit says it might help them to have to focus
On you.
Give the Meds a while to work and realise that this is a big neon sign time for change
Or cry for help. You will get better. It give yourself time as it's not so easy as
Snapping out of it.
Keep in touch and let us know how your doing
Hannahx
In a 'typical' family I can understand why it would be advisable to tell my family. In my case, however I really don't think it would be. My mum suffers from depression and is currently seeking help for this. She has tried to kill herself when I was younger, and she reacts very strongly to anything out of daily routine. I have been the stabilising part of our family for a very long time, and if I were to crumble then their whole stability would be in question. I am very much a father figure to my brother and sister, and their sense of security would be effected if they found out about this.
My mum doesn't react well at all to bad news. I just don't think telling her will actually achieve anything, as I don't think she could offer me any support.
I have a problem now in that as I'm at Uni I'm being advised to take a year out while I'm treating this. I don't want to do this because I don't want my mum to find out. I also don't think its very practical with finances as I wouldn't be eligible for my student loan for this upcoming year and therefore wouldn't be able to pay my rent (which I'm contracted to until July); work would be out of the question due to my inability to function normally at the moment.
I would also be going back to Uni in September not knowing anyone as all of my friends will have graduated this year. Its just really not what I want.
It might have to be your families turn to step up and be strong for you.
Yes it will be unsettling for them to see that you are not the superman figure that they imagined, but what would be much more unsettling would be for them to see you pushed beyond a point of no return and becoming an out of control wreck...... It might be the lesser of two evils to show them that at least you are trying to take control of your life.
Uni will still be there next year. Check out your rental contract , and get advice from uni/citizens advice about the contract, it may be possible to negotiate an early end to the tenancy.
Not sure what the uni course is but check out related work so that you do not feel out of touch with the subject. If you don't feel up to full time work in your year out check out agency or part time work, any step forward that you make now will get you out of the rut.
As has been said the meds change will take a while to work, do you expect to be able to do the course work needed to pass this year of the course? The uni might have suggested the year out because they felt you were more able to pass the course after time out to tackle your problems.
I can see why you've chosen not to tell you family. I did the same and for very similar reasons. You have to do what's right for your circumstances x
Hi
Many of us on the website have felt similarly to the way you are feeling right now and all I can say is hang in there are in time with meds and support you may begin to feel life has something to offer. Are you getting any talking therapy as well once the meds have kicked in? I do hope so because meds in themselves will not help you to understand why you feel so negatively about yourself and your life.
It just shows maybe your mother being ill, it could be heriditory, depression. Believe me things have gone a long way forward than in your mums day. Were still learning.
I too have suffer sever depression, unyielding, long deep, but I knew, this was depression, I knew the "real me" didnt feel like this.
Your ill, and by being honest about how your feeling is one way of telling them the meds they are giving isnt the right ones or need increasing. Being consumed by thoughts of ending it all, is a indication your meds are not working so well.
please hang on,, be honest,, mine went on for years because I didnt know what to expect, or what was expected of me. But I do have a quality of life now. Now im glad I dont feel that way. When your well, things willbe colourfull bright and you wont feel bad. Honestly you wont, you will get well, so hang on. But you have to help the doctors by telling them how ill you are!!! othewise they wont know.
Go see a counsellor to help you deal with those thoughts your having....
Your not letting anyone down, only yourself, and your cheating yourself of a nice life. to feel happiness again. I love feeling "normal" and I love seeing everyday and thankful for it.
take better care, and fight those feelings, like i did.
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