I just cannot bare feeling so alone anymore. Everyone I get close to leaves me, nobody would even notice if I wasn't here. I try so hard to stay positive but I have felt so broken for so long I don't know who I am anymore. Why can't people understand i can't just "get on with it" anymore. I know we all have our own unique triggers for our depression but I have nobody. I have no friends, no family & just feel whats the point? I barely exist I don't live a life.
I feel my GP just doesn't understand how bad I am, he says "go on holiday" "get out of the house" I divorced my husband over a year ago & he left me in a bad state financially I can't afford to do anything. Suicidal thoughts have been racing lately, the last time I came close was December (always a difficult time when you're alone). I've had counselling which stopped because I couldn't afford it & am now having group CBT but I don't feel it's helping. I am on antidepressants but I'm not sure they're helping surely I shouldn't be still feeling this bad after being on them for a long time?
I don't know what to do, I've been so low lately but sometimes kick myself up the backside & start planning things and trying to change it, but it all comes down to the fact it's just me, always me.
Am I such a bad person that I don't deserve happiness, I feel pathetic & so ridiculous that I'm so jealous of people who have friends, family, partners, why can't I seem to get that.
I just don't know what to do next, I just want it all to stop.
Written by
WiltingFlower
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Hi I know how it feels to be always alone too. I don't have a partner or kids either. I do have 3 sisters and a nephew but I am not close to them. Sometimes that is almost worse than having no family. I would give anything for a 'normal' family life but it always seems to be beyond my reach. So I know exactly how you feel. I get so sick of always being alone and want to share my life with someone but I don't know how to.
I do have friends though. A few close ones and quite a few darts or drinking friends. But they all have families and other committments so it can be hard to see them sometimes. You don't say how old you are? I always think of life as a bank account, something which a counsellor once explained to me. It goes like this: Imagine you have a bank acount which is 100 pounds overdrawn and you have desperate need of funds. Many people expect a partner and kids to give them the 100 pounds and can't conceive of any other way of getting it. But then you make a friend and before you know it you have 10 pounds off your overdraft, then another friend and hey ho another 10 pounds comes off. You still haven't got the full amount but part of it is much better than none. Does all that make sense?
Don't keep searching for a partner - get other things in your life like friends and before you know it you will start feeling happier. I can't tell you how to do this but how about making friends at work? Or from a hobby? Or volunteering? You need to get yourself out there and meeting more people so you can choose those who you want in your life. You may never get the 100 pc but part of that would be a vast improvement.
I am sending you a cyber hug xxx I am sorry that you are feeling so very low at the moment I wish I could do something for you. Your story hit a cord with me as I too was feeling like this a few months ago and still have some days feeling alone.
You are NOT ridiculous or pathetic, you are not well, if you had a broken leg would you call yourself those names -no. you have a broken heart and a mental injury and they need time to heal. Pamper yourself and take the time explore you.
Like a caterpillar stops and goes into his cocoon for some time only to emerge later as a beautiful butterfly. you are in a transition and you will come through this as a beautiful person who is strong and independent. I wish you peace and happiness. take care
You say you have been on anti-depressants a long time, a medication review might help find a meds combination that helps, meantime keep up with the CBT . Check out the local support groups these guys have been there themselves. Do you have confidence in your current doctor? Can you get to see another in the practice?
Are you asking too much of yourself, after being so coiled up and tense and unhappy for so long your progress will be gradual, you mention trying to make plans, are they realistic for what you can cope with right now?
Be gentle on yourself. Being alone will be scary, after sharing your life with your husband and can take quite some getting used to, it took me a couple of years after moving out of shared digs before I got comfortable with living in my own place.
sometimes we have to try a few anti-depressants before we find on that suits us, but you will find the right one soon. Likewise with gp's.
Is there another in the practice you could go to? or maybe another surgery in your area?
People who think you can just "get on with it" or "pull yourself together" have little or no understanding of depression, so their hurtful opinions don't count.
Does it help to know that much of what you are feeling is common in many others with depression?
that here we understand and will support you however we can.
it can be a good idea to try and plan things and try for change.
however, it can be overwhelming when we get too ambitious and we end up unable to do anything.
then we feel we've failed. - this is just not true, we simply tried to too hard.
take small steps, maybe one 5 or 10 minute task,
then if you achieved it take a well-earned break - don't go straight onto another!
if you didn't, it's not that you failed, you just under-estimated how long it would take
[even top management in big companies like M&S can do that!]
you just continue it as the next task.
Unless you have actually set out to murder or cruelly injure someone, you are NOT a bad person!
neither are you are pathetic or ridiculous.
you deserve every happiness. you have every right to hope for friends, family and a partner.
these things take time and will develop over time.
take care of and take time for you.
do small things you like, or used to like, to do, such as playing a favourite song. I say play as it's often hard to listen t first. just try to get used to selecting it, then pressing play.
some people turn the sound off for a few times, gradually raising it.
before you know it, you find you have just listened to some and then all of it.
Hi there, I just want to say that I can see you are in pain. I live alone too, and really feel I spend too much time on my own. I try and do different little things for myself, like making a nice meal for myself, inviting someone for coffee and chat, going to the cinema, or reading a good book. I don't really have many family as they have husbands and children, but I try and make life as good as I can, Maybe you need a new antidepressant, It can take a bit of trial and error with them. Medication is great but you still have to do a lot for yourself, try one new thing each day. Just be good to yourself, and realise that being with people or in a relationship does not guarantee happiness, we have a choice to make the best of every day. Take care and let us know how your doing.
Don't think you are poor ,pathetic ,don't think you are alone ,do you know how many people in this world they even can't solve food problems in their life ,God bless ,you still can type using computer to talk to folks ,nobody could help you if you don't want to come out yourself ,pills,GP are just shit ,in fact it doesn't matters that much ,the most critical is what do you think ?
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Struggling and alone.
Feeling alone
I NEED YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
So lonely and broken 
