Hello lads,
anyone got any ideas to help me out? so far I've tried:
helping out with the kids
buying her flowers / gifts
taking her out for a nice meal
not asking (and seeing if she comes to me - that failed spectacularly)
arguing
and other things no doubt that I've forgotten about.
I'm not a sexaholic but a man can only go on so long without a taste of his Mrs.
I can honestly say that she is not interested at all - she has even told me this.
cheers
You probably need to have a conversation about why she is not interested. is it you or is it sex generally? Find a time and place where you can have a proper conversation without interruption. Our beatstress.uk service might be able to help with more suggestions about how to discuss this topic
Islawhisky - we already have a daughter - the sex stopped as soon as she got pregnant - she wouldn't have sex while she was pregnant and it's never really got going since. To tell you the truth I can't remember a time she came onto me.
to other commenters - I genuinely think that other than pressures of family life and busy lifestyles her mobile phone has something to do with it. she is part of a few baby groups on FB which means her phone is constantly going off. She also has her family txting a lot and also she spends a lot of time browsing websites etc. all in all she is on her phone a good proportion of the day. A 2 hour stint looking at her phone is nothing to her. I've suggested evenings without phones (we recently went on holiday and I didn't even take mine) but she can't leave it alone. I've read many forums and I don't think I'm alone in this problem but it's still very annoying and frustrating!
Hi. I went off sex with my husband over two years ago now after 30 years together. I just didnt fancy it with him or anybody else. Completely lost my sex drive. In those 2 years we did it twice because he kept badgering me but he new I wasnt really interested. I had an orgasm both times but he didnt. Just recently we have decided to split up cos things between us have gone from bad to worse. I realised that although I was married I was bored and lonely whereas he had a full and active social life which didnt include me. He would make comments to me about my weight and that made me insecure about myself and couldnt bear him to look at me. I think what I m trying to say is that a woman needs to be cherished,loved,adored,needed. Expensive gifts are very shallow and meaningless. Show your wife this message and tell how you feel about her. Make sure she is in no doubt. Hope this helps.
Hi. Thanks for your message - really useful! She also tells me that she is not interested in sex, with me or anyone else. I really don't understand. Why do women see it as a chore? I am affectionate towards her and I have tried my best, but when I'm the one putting all the effort in I find it difficult because it should be a two way process. To be brutally honest I feel like I'm way down the list of priorities and that's how it's going to stay. I've tried talking to her, asking her directly and nothing has worked! I'm very approachable and accommodating and I really would listen to any issues she's having but every time I approach the subject I get a snappy response and I just give up for a while. As I write this it's been 18 days since we were last intimate and I really miss it! I have to say it's the only thing that's wrong in our relationship but I'm the only one who seems to care. is there any hope?
Just tell me how old you, your wife and your kids are and I ll have a think back to see what happened in my marriage at that stage ie sex etc. Also do you both work and what hobbies do you both have separately or together. Do you or your wife do anything differently now to when you first fell in love. If she is messaging as much as she is she could have some boredom maybe, and you have to remember that it does get addictive because of the attention it gives you.I will wait to here from you. Take care
she's in her very early 30's and I'm in my very late 20's so there's not a massive age gap. I work full time, and she doesn't work as she's spending the time off with our daughter. My hobbies are sport; football and gym mainly with a bit of tennis when I can. She doesn't have any hobbies at all. this is something I've tried suggesting but she's never seemed interested. She is literally quite happy to sit there on her phone throughout the evenings. She may very well be bored, and I've tried suggesting ideas of stuff we can both do together e.g. I bought her a cocktail making set for her bday in Feb which is still unused. I've offered to spend the night making different drinks but she always says some other time! My partner is naturally a very negative person and she always looks for the bad points in a situation where as I try to focus on the positives - I know there are advantages and disadvantages to both points of view, but if she just injected a little positivity into her lifestyle I'm sure she'd feel much better! Anyway I feel like I'm slating her a lot but I must say that she deserves a lot of credit for the way she's brought up our daughter and the fantastic work she does keeping everything at home in order! All I want is for her to chill out and relax a bit and hopefully once that happens everything will fall into place naturally but it's getting her to do that which is the hard part!
There is a website called Hitched which should tell you all the ins and outs about having a loving and full sex life. I found it by googling ,how can I get my wife in the sack,. It will give you hints and tips about understanding what she is going through at the moment.When I had my kids sex was always the last thing on my mind, but I dont suppose everybody feels the same way. I think it has something to do with ones makeup ie mindset. We all tick along in our own way and your wife has unfortunately found something she enjoys with no sex involved.Take a look at that website and let me know what you think. I dont want to upset you but what I am going to say now may do. I have recently met the man of my dreams and after having no sex with my husband for over two years my sex drive is immense. We make love often and when I m not with him my sexual urges fill my mind and body with lust for him and I normally have to resort to masterbation. What I am trying to say is that now I have met this new guy he has transformed my life. He adores me and that has given me the strength to be my old self. Its a bit hard to explain but when I was with my husband he never put me first he neglected me so I became isolated from him inc no sex because he was boring and predictable and didnt have an ounce of passion in him. I am sure your wife stills loves you but is she in love with you? I know something which will make her feel better about herself and boost her self esteem and that is she could think about getting a part time job which will get her out of the house for a few hours which will do her good. She will have something positive to think about instead of dwelling in what she may feel is a mundane life. It will open her eyes up to the fact there is a big wide world out there and the possibilities are endless. She will make new friends and may even have a more fulfilling social life which doesnt include people like her with small children. She will have something new to think about and talk about.I know I am rambling on but I could spend all day talking about it. Think about the job idea and check out that website. Let me know if I have helped a little. I am no expert but at 53 I do have a lot of life experience and I am only too happy to share it.
great advice once again and i'll definitely try some of the things you've mentioned! I just want to say one thing though and I absolutely don't want my wife to have a mundane life! I'm trying my best here but without any hint of what is wrong (if there is anything) I don't know what I can do. I'm not a mind reader! I've always said if there's a problem come and tell me and there's nothing we can't sort out. And I've always been true to my word, any problem she's ever had I've always been there for her. We've also been through the part time job situation and she's stated that she'd prefer to wait until next year when our daughter starts part time school and I fully supported that decision and put no pressure on her at all. I completely agree that there must be something wrong if she keeps saying 'no' all the time but I'm really struggling to approach the subject when i know I'm going to get shouted at! surely she must feel something's wrong when she keeps saying no? it's not even a no followed by a because.... it's just a flat out no. No discussion. No nothing. To be honest as well, my self-confidence is at rock bottom when it comes to initiating anything and this situation isn't making things easier! if I knew i was going to get a positive response at least some of the time it would make things easier, but i rarely pluck up the courage to ask because i know what the answer is going to be! What happened to rewarding your bf for working hard, paying the bills, looking after you, being a good dad, not going out drinking, not gambling etc.
If I was in your situation I would let my partner see me flirting with someone else. I know it may sound cruel to do that to your wife but jealousy is a very strong emotion and it may unleash all types of feelings in her that she hasnt felt recently. I m not suggesting you get off with another woman just have a chat and a joke. Your wife may not want you at the moment but Im pretty sure she wont want anyone else to have you either and it might start to make her think about your relationship more than she does at present.
Did the problem start after she had the baby , sometimes women go off love making after having a baby , perhaps you could both go to a sex therapist , I was lucky with my wife because we were both into love making when ever
I'm not sure about that. it's putting myself in a very risk position and means I'm gambling with my family's future. if the worst was to happen and we broke up I would be the one who caused it by flirting with someone else!
Ok dont dismiss it completely it only has to be a two line chat and followed by a laugh thats all. Be natural about it and relax . I m not suggesting you chat anyone up or tell your wife you fancy someone else. It has to be a lot more subtle than that. Have a think about it. I had an experience where me and my husband were at a small party and I got on really well with the host. We had the same sense of humour and we laughed and joked all evening, which my husband joined in with too. I didnt fancy this man but hubby could see I was enjoying myself and it made him jealous and that was the best nights sex I think I have ever had so far. Just because you have a partner it doesnt mean that you cant talk to other women and have a laugh with them. Do you go to the pub with yours mates after football? And how often do you go to the gym etc?
Ok, we have a wedding coming up which I'm hoping we're able to go to. There should be a lot of old school friends there inc. girls. I'll chat to a few of them and see what the reaction is. No I don't go to the pub, I never go to the pub! the last time I went was in March on a works do. I go to the gym 2/3 times per week but usually at lunchtime as I work close by, this means I don't have to go out in the evening and am on hand to help with any chores or in my case sit there and watch her play on her phone all night!
Dont push your wife into commenting about you talking to other women. If she gets jealous you will soon know about it. And dont keep looking at your wife to see if she is watching you. Just relax and have fun catching up with old school friends. Be a bit more animated and look like you are enjoying yourself. If after a few days and your wife hasnt said anything to you about who you were talking to either because she didnt spot it or it just didnt bother her then I would mention something to her about someone you spoke to at the wedding. Something like it was great to see so and so at the wedding and tell her what was said, something funny obviously, and add something like we used have a right laugh at school. That is just an example you will need to think of something yourself but that may not be neccessary if your wifes says something to you first. I think that going to the pub is a good idea because we all need our mates. Perhaps also it will show her that you dont intend to sit around while she sits on her phone all evening.
Real time conversation just happened....
i'll give the context first.
we went to a bbq last night and had some left over burgers and sausages which I brought to work for lunch today. My gf txt asking me if she wanted to keep the remainder that was in the fridge, to which I said 'no thanks i'll be looking like a burger if eat another one'. She replied 'ok, I don't want anymore so i'll throw them'. Me jokingly (but setting myself up for a compliment) replied 'I'm sure you wouldn't fancy me if I looked like a burger'... no reply.
14 minutes has passed since I sent that message and it feels like someone has ripped out my heart. I am so upset.
all I wanted was something like 'oh I like you the way you are' or 'I fancy you now, please don't change'
at first I thought it was me being insecure and imagining this stuff but I'm really not sure anymore.
my question is this: should I challenge this non-response or just let it slide?
I think you will have to say something but dont challenge her just keep it simple. Have a word with her about it and dont get all heavy about it there might be a a completely innocent reason why she hasnt replied. A mate could have called round or phoned her. Dont get yourself in a state about it you need to think logically and maybe let your head rule and not your heart for the time being.
oh I don't know... it seems strange to me that the conversation just cut off when I sent that message. it's a bit of a co-incidence in my opinion.
If I don't challenge her then what am I supposed to say? I can see anything that I say here is going to cause an argument and that's the last thing I want, but I can't keep sitting here yearning for her affection when she's not prepared to give it.
by the way this has now moved onto a whole different level. this is no longer about sex for me, I'm seriously contemplating whether I want to spend my future with her. I keep asking myself why I should have to ask for affection? I'm sure other relationships aren't like this. when I met up with my cousin and her bf the other day, the first thing they did when they saw each other was give each other a peck on the lips, I was frankly a little jealous of the situation - I don't even remember when my gf came up to me and gave me a kiss when I got in from work!
then I ask myself am I being too insecure and surely she wouldn't be with me if she didn't fancy me?
I really don't know, but what I do know is that I want and need some affection, not a lot, but just some. I just want a kiss and cuddle and sex without having to wait weeks or months. I just want it to be natural and not have any pressure attached to it, and right now I'm feeling so unbearably pressurised trying to guess if my gf actually wants me I'm not sure what to do!
Dont panic you dont want to make any rash decisions that you will regret. Lets wait and see what happens with the jealousy thing. That should bring out a few underlying issues in your relationship. It is far better to be honest and truthful rather than going through life just making do. The thought of splitting up is heart breaking and it will be very traumatic but I ll tell you one thing me and my husband have never got on so well since we decided to split up. I m not afraid to undress infront of him now because I dont care what he thinks anymore, I just walk around naked and do and say what I like. He knows I m chatting to you and he just laughed and said are you still at it, the chatting I mean, and I said so what if I am whats it got to do with you. Before I wouldnt have told him because I would have worried about him making fun of me but he cant do that anymore. It feels fantastic to just be myself and do what I want. My new bloke makes me feel wonderful about myself and opened my eyes to how crap my life was and how much more fulfilling it is now. So dont despair if you think your relationship is or might be over I can almost guarantee that your future will definately be so much better. Your older now and wiser and you will be able to understand relationships better which will result in a more fulfilling and loving life.
Welsh_Wizard - have a look at this website husbandhelphaven.com/ . It's run by a guy who's a writer by day, but also wanted to create a forum/site for men struggling with just your situation (and, if I'm honest - mine). He's U.S. based, but some of the people he's helped and had good feedback from are Brits.
There's lots of free stuff to read and the lengthier e-books are reasonably priced and worth investing in - IF you decide that a) You still love your girlfriend/wife and b) you accept that it's going to take some work on your part - even if it seems like it's your lady that's "in the wrong".
The stuff the chap writes is an eye-opener, but also confirms alot of deep-down beliefs that still hold true in this modern age.
I hope things sort themselves out - checkout the site anyway - there's stuff to make any bloke feel better about himself and life, regardless of how your relationship pans out.
Good Luck.
Ouch! That hurts. Just keep on loving and occasionally suggesting. You might also keep your ear tuned for any hint as to why - perhaps she is afraid of another pregnancy in which case a snip job may do the trick.
Could she have post natal depression? Myself and my husband had this problem with me not wanting to have sex or even kiss (still have to a certain degree) after I had my son 9 years ago. I had PND but never told anybody. This got better after about 6months-1 year however our sex life never recovered. Last year I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism which can often follow pregnancy and I firmly believe I may have had thyroid issues since the birth of my son but very mild which is why I wasn't aware. This can cause drops in libido. I am now being treated with thyroid hormones and intimacy is improving.
It may not be the exact problem with your other half but after a baby hormone problems can certainly impact massively on your sex life.
Suppressing her desires . Could be hormonal or psychiatric .
Just wondering how things are going with your situation. Did my advice help you or did it make things worse? I hope it wasnt the latter.
hiya tobehonest, how's things?
My situation really hasn't improved so I'm just deciding what I should do really - been on my mind a lot lately and it's keeping me awake at night!
I had a conversation with my partner but all the ever comes out is she thinks I want more sex. While I admit that more sex would be great (once a month really isn't enough for me!) it's not the only thing I want.
This is what I'd like from my relationship in terms of physical contact etc.
1. Cuddles every now and again
2. Kissing (that is not initiated by me!)
3. Sex (or if not full-blown sex, at least something to turn me on)
4. To be told that I'm loved
5. Holding hands when we're out in public (again when not initiated by me)
6. My partner to spend some of her time doing something with me during the evening instead being glued to her mobile phone.
In reality this is what my relationship is like:
1. No cuddling ever. she sits on one end of the sofa on her phone and I sit on the other watching tv.
2. Unless its a peck (initiated by me) there's nothing
3. I think I've already covered this one!
4. Again unless its initiated by me I never hear the magic words
5. Initiated by me and then half the time she lets my hand go
6. if I suggest this it usually ends up in an argument. She says she doesn't go on it at all during the day and then likes to go on it at night. I actually have no problem with this but I know she spends a lot of time during the day and I'm slightly worried how much time she does spend on it. She even goes on it first thing in the morning, when were both in bed. I would love it if she came and gave me a cuddle but I get nothing at all! 
so am I asking too much, or from my points can you see where I'm coming from?
Are you together because you fell in love or loved and fancied each other. There is a big difference between the two. Think back to when you got together and the reasons why you did. Did you feel the same or was it more one sided. ie you fell in love but she didnt. Ask her and let me know what she says.
Very common. Must be something due to hormone or psychological .Try oral stimulation . She may like .
Foreplay is the only way , first psychologically, then physically
Frigidity sometimes is natural and unrepeatable. Take tips from Psychiatrist . Show porno videos and try . Can succeed
Tolerate and masturbate . What to do ?
Hi
Just seen this post and wondered how you getting on ?
Does not sound as bad as your situation but my wife had similar problem with 'social media'. I started texting her when we where together to initiate a conversation. It worked, eventually.
Sex is another matter, it can be frustrating, but take your time, make compliments and the occasional gift. But keep it simple, do not over do it.
Good luck
Hi Welsh_Wizard, I've just read your post and recognise so much of your description of both your relationship and the effect it has had on your own mental health. You are certainly not alone. In my own case it's been 10 years since I've had ANY intamacy from my wife who I still love, but who seems to be fine with the situation. Like yourself it's far from being just about sex and I find the lack of intimacy and acceptance of the situation very hurtful. It's purely my problem now. So much for " a problem shared "!
I really hope that you were able to improve your situation and now get the self affirming love that you need and deserve
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