A day off 1 year and 3 months

[Fiona-bennet]

So it’s 1 day short of being a year and 3 months since being hospitalised with bacterial meningitis and it’s safe to say I’m still struggling. I know for a fact that I have PTSD because for at least 3 hours of my day I flash back to what was the worst battling 6 months of my life. 3 operations, 5 lumber punctures and 5 and a half months of antibiotics and I painfully remember every moment. In February this year I was still taking antibiotics that were costing me $100 per tablet and I was diagnosed in September of last year. For a girl 2 weeks into being 18, not knowing where I was going, what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there, I went to my doctors again after seeing him for 5 days straight and I still vividly remember saying to him “I may not know much, but I know that I’m dying”. It was because I said that that he referred me to the eye and ear hospital and it was there that they decided to run bizarre tests that they thought were for nothing that I am still here today. After a month in the hospital I was discharged with 5 days of antibiotics and the day after I finished my meds I was back in hospital with mastoiditis. The specialists didn’t see anything wrong until they ran more tests which came up to prove they were wrong. I feel so empty inside that I’m living in a past which has badly affected my present and I still fear in my future. From my ordeal I have nerve damage, memory loss, pain and stress induced seizures and this overall fear of neglect because that’s how I felt every day that everyone told me I was fine. I don’t understand any of it and can’t get my head around the answers I get. Doctors tell me that I’m doing fine because I work and others don’t work for years after an ordeal but all I want to do is curl up and stay in bed but I can’t cause I have to pay for all my medication. I know it seems long and no ones probably going to care but I need something because I’m dead inside and I don’t see anything pulling me out of the dark abyss that is my life.

[Rah2013]

Hello there. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It WILL take time, no matter what anyone says. I found out that I could no longer operate the same way I did before, after my battle with VM. It changed my life. So I had to find the new me and how my body was going to work. Once I stopped beating myself up for not being able to do what I used to do, things got easier. I take it one day at a time. Everyone’s body IS different. What work for you may not work for me. And vice versa. I pray God's strength will carry you through! It will be alright!!!

[sdjohnson231]

Fiona, do you have a support system of family and friends to help you emotionally? If you don't, you should really consider a counselor/therapist. We lose a part of ourselves even though we survive this illness. So, in a way, we experience grief for what once was our life. A therapist could help you find ways to cope with your PTSD. I have no doubt that you ARE experiencing it! Please look into getting the mental and emotional health you need. Too often we only worry about the physical aspect of the aftermath of meningitis. But our mental health should be every bit as important to us, too. Best wishes to you. Susan

[Fiona-bennet in reply to sdjohnson231]

I don’t really have that many friends because I lost touch with them all when I fell ill. I am seeing a psychologist but at the moment it’s very rarely.