Relationship strain

[Manyjobs]

Is there anywhere or anyone who can help? I have a daughter 17 with learning difficulties. Her dad and I separated earlier this year. She is quite unhappy at the moment and he seems to be telling me I’m doing enough for her. But I’m exhausted as she sleeps at my house nearly every night and I struggle to get her to bed. I struggle to get her to college it’s been really hard especially when she is angry and frustrated. We are going to meet to talk about it but would love some thoughts about how to handle it. As he pointed out her shoes were worn out ( I bought them in September) ???

[Iolo]

That sounds tough and unhappy for you both. Seems you are both coping with a lot at a very intensifying time but struggling to do it together, as will sadly be the case for so many relationships at the moment (couples, families, friends etc). Can I please ask, what level of learning needs does she have? Could she talk with someone about how she is feeling and take on ideas about how to cope differently? Can she use the internet to engage with supportive groups? Or is it that you and her dad need to work around her to help her situation? Also I would wonder what support college could provide if she is struggling at the moment. They will have student welfare services of some form or another. There are all sorts of supports available for young people but I would not wish to suggest anything that is unrealistic for her, or you both, as that could just add to your stresses and strains.

[Manyjobs in reply to Iolo]

Hi thanks... it’s just good to express it, even if there’s no solution. My daughter goes to special course at mainstream college. She can talk about things and is seeing someone from camhs about ocd and anxiety. Though she has trouble identifying exactly what she feels. It’s a good idea to contact college though. And they have been responsive in the past. So I’ll do that. She did tell the camhs worker that she finds college difficult and doesn’t get the help she got at school (one to one support most of the time). It’s hard to know what to do and really frustrating . But thanks it helps to be heard! X

[Iolo in reply to Manyjobs]

Feelings can be so difficult to work out, especially when they can feel horrible, scary and overwhelming (and out of our control because of hormones!). Often at the the core of OCD is a sense of scary out of control powerlessness and it sounds like she may be experiencing that in lots of aspects of her life, including her own body. Young people can also experience holding the weight of the world on their shoulders whilst having little skills and opportunity to manage. It’s understandable that so many young people adopt the strategy of withdrawal, it’s like a flight response to fear. It will be good to help her find an area of her life where she can regain her sense of power and achievement, I would wonder with college about some self esteem building that focuses on something that interests her and taps into her strengths. She may also like to tap into a community that helps her not feel alone as these feelings can feel so lonely. I know Kooth is a well regarded and safe site, a bit like Health Unlocked but for young people. kooth.com. Having a mum who evidently cares so much about her will also help her get through it but make sure you get your own support, you too are worth it.

[Manyjobs in reply to Iolo]

Thanks will have a look at kooth x