New fella

I have been single (by choice) for years but now I have met someone and been on a date and he wants to see me again... :)

So?... when is the right time to tell him I have a chronic, incurable illness that I take upward of 20 tabs a day for ;) ...

... and that it makes me clumsy, trip up, drop things, have a tremor and twitch?

That it makes my words come out in the wrong order, makes me forget things and forget the correct word for an item!

That I have chilblains, mouth ulcers, dry eyes, my hands are constantly cold, my cheeks are pink and my hair thinning? :)

That my arm has a tendency to lock in the mornings and that when I stand up from a sitting position I remain chair shaped until I get going :(

Luckily my sense of humour is intact and it was my personality he was attracted too...

8 Replies

  • Being pragmatic here, unless the relationship progresses a bit more and you two become really close, I don't see how you can blurt the health issue just yet. It is too early, I think, mainly because men tend to be Mr Fix It and he will think you want him to do something about it and secondly because the implication is that you're ready for a long term relationship that involves him taking care of you (with Mr Fix It cap on, he may think why else would you tell him).

    I would just let the relationship run its course, you will find that many opportunities will occur as you go along - it doesn't need to be one big announcement, it could happen little by little, it is bound to come up on its own. If you have chilblains, he will see and you'll need to explain something at that point, not necessarily all of it. Then when you've forgotten something, another chance to say "oh, yeah, you need to bear in mind, I sometimes forget things but is this thing I have, it's called lupus, do you know about it..." And it will depend on the circumstances, don't force it, that's what I'm trying to say. Your illness won't scare him but your making a big thing out of it will.

    Good luck and I hope this will turn out happily for you!!!

  • Hey hey, nice 1 Dalediva!

    Personally, I would wait until he witnesses something & I wouldn't explain 2 him in great deal, I would just kinda gloss over it & gauge the situation by saying something like "Oh, I have lupus, an autoimmune condition which does funny things 2 me sometimes x

  • Hi DaleDiva

    I have Lupus for more than 23 years now

    I'm married for 2nd time now, and I'm telling you

    My lupus never has been an issue

    My 2nd husband is the most understanding

    And caring person I ever met. When I met him

    I didn't tell him when we were dating because

    I didn't find right to tell somebody that I just met

    About my illness because I find it very personal

    Plus not everybody understands

    When we started living together he starts realising

    About my health issues, one occasion we really talked

    About it, he was very interested about

    Lupus and his parents too, now we have been

    Together for 7 years and married for 4 years

    He has been a big support in my life with lupus.

    Good luck


  • Cheers everyone.... I'm only just coming to terms with the Lupus myself and my ex-husband was, shall we say, less than understanding on unseen illness. (I developed depression after my brother died)

    Liliana28, you seem to have found a gem :)

  • Daledevil you might have found a gem yourself and I don't think there is any response that I think is right or wrong as I agree with both and reason I do is because it's right for them and you can only do the same but do it the way it feels right for you.I would say follow your instinct.good luck and I hope it has a very happy ending and we want all the goss lol x

  • congrats! Hope you enjoyed the date as it's hard getting back out there. I joined a few online dating agencies last June after almost 5 years alone and though I don't mention lupus on my profile, it tends to come up on the first date as it was the main reason for leaving Turkey, where I lived with my ex and children for 6 years and why I don't work now. I tend to be very matter of fact about the lupus, I laugh about it and because I look perfectly healthy they don't seem to care and all 7 first dates I've had, I've told and none of them have been put off by it. They all wanted to see me again, some I did, others I chose not to. However, I do tell them I'm not looking to get married or live with anyone, I just want to date, I have two youngish children 7 & 11 so I'm committed to them. Anyway, On at least three occasions the guys have then opened up about their heart attacks, DVTs or even testicular cancer. I'd say just relax, don't worry about it, the lupus is your baby so to speak you're not asking him to carry it for you but I wouldn't lie. I do laugh and say, oh don't worry I'm not likely to go and die on you, the prognosis is good especially as I have regular check ups blah blah. If you're a bit blazé about it then they take it in their stride. let him walk into the relationship knowing as he may feel manipulated later. The big question- is omitting to say something the same as lying????? Let your conscience be your guide. Good luck though xx

  • Sorry, forgot to add, my current partner of 4 weeks isn't bothered by it at all and I've also made a very good friend over the last 3 months who understands quite a lot about lupus seeing as he's a surgeon, I thought he might run actually as he knows so much but he's seen far worse I suppose. Xxx

  • Well...

    I'm in a newish relationship (6th Months now) - and I just dripped it in, bit by bit. BUT have now earn't that, if it's the right person they wont give a hoot about yr ailments. You are just the same person.

    I also had the added extra of a son with Autism and learning difficulties - and he wasn't an issue either

    You come over as having a good sense of humour - so keep that and laugh a lot - works for me...


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