Hi Everyone, I'm hoping you are all having a good day. This post is quite personal and it's taken a lot of courage for me to write this. I'm usually OK with all the medical stuff but the emotional side of things I tend to find a lot harder. It's a longer post but if you can help I'd be very grateful.....
I was wondering about people's experiences with relationships. I am really struggling to get over a recent break up and can not stop blaming myself and Lupus for it. I was with the guy for 3 years. Our first year together was amazing, we were so happy and we were planning a future together then suddenly Lupus struck. It didn't come on slowly, it was literally overnight and my life totally changed. I was hospitalised for a very long time and thought that would be the end of the relationship. But no, my partner stepped up, moved in to look after me and looked after me so well for the next 18 months. We often discussed marriage, children and I was slowly preparing to return to work. Things were good between us. Then I picked up an infection and had another flare. Suddenly I couldn't use my hands and had to rely on him to cut my food up, help me dress etc. He seemed OK with this at the time but I wonder now if resentment was beginning. Slowly I started to improve again. There were a lot of tears from me due to such intense pain and I openly admit that I was feeling depressed and probably became desperate for reassurance, a hug or emotional warmth. In December we went away for a weekend with friends but we had to return early as one of the people we were staying with had a chest infection and flu like virus and I was vulnerable to picking it up as I was immune suppressed and had been told to avoid any bugs. My partner was supposed to contact the people we were staying with before we went to let them know this but forgot (or just didn't) . I wouId have never gone if I knew someone was ill as I was expecting to stay with them for 3 days. I would have contacted them myself but I didn't have their details and was assured by my partner that he would do it. My partner was furious that he had to leave the "party". On the way home he ended it in the car, shouting at me and telling me that the relationship was over. He said I was full of s*** and he said he wanted to be totally selfish. He said I've only got Lupus and I'm on medication now so should be better. I think he thought I was making the agony of the headaches, joint pain etc up.
This happened on New Years Eve, I am still devastated because until our last few months together we seemed so happy and so strong despite all that Lupus had to throw at us. I guess the resentment just crept in and he turned on me and hated the situation. It was like his patience had expired. The man who I saw that day was a totally different person to the one I had known for 3 years. The sudden change was very alarming. The sad thing is that 14 days later, I was seen by my consultant who started me on new meds and I am back at work and doing so much better.
I miss the person that I knew so much. They refuse to communicate with me at all and became quite nasty when I last spoke to them which in my experience is totally out of character. It's left me feeling hurt and vulnerable and as my body has totally changed since lupus (most of my hair has fallen out, I've put on 2 stone and have a moon face due to pred). I feel like I could never attract anyone else and basically that's the end. I'm 35 and was expecting to get married this year and hopefully be on my way to starting a family but that dream has now gone. I'm struggling to drag myself through each day and just can't shift this overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. I blame myself for pushing him beyond what he could handle. I keep thinking that if I had managed my Lupus better then he would still be here.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? I am usually a very positive ambitious person and I really want to move on from this but just can't seem to. My self-esteem is in its boots. I probably need a massive kick up the butt but if anyone can offer advice or share an experience I'd be very grateful.