Splitting up at last.: It's been a long time coming... - LUPUS UK


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Splitting up at last.

purple-lou profile image

It's been a long time coming. I have asked my partner to leave.

He was a weight around my neck and life is hard enough without that. I needed strength, he gave me weakness. I needed a friend, he leant on me. My girls needed a laugh, he made them feel low.

I know it is the right thing to do. I've always been really independent till I got this dreaded illness. Now, even though I want us to part, I'm scared of being on my own. He has never done much, but he would do things like drive the girls to school if I was in a flare etc.

I now have to care for my 8 year old daughter too. She has been poorly for 3 months with a suspected muscle disease. I have to lift her and do almost all of her personal care. I was already doing that before, but now I will be completely alone with it.

Am I weak to think like this?

My girls will be so much happier when he leaves, but I'm still scared.

She is having an OT assessment soon, so that should help.

My other daughter who is 13, is struggling emotionally. I got ill 18 months ago and now her little sister is ill.

I know we will get there eventually, but the journey is daunting to say the least.

I can't work, which means I can't provide for them financially.

I don't want to put too much pressure on my older daughter and I definitely don't want her to slip into being my carer.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for going on.

Louise xx

10 Replies

oh huni, am sorry to hear the way that you are feeling, but I understand totally

No one wishes to be cared for because of an illness, we want to be cared for because someone loves us and wishes to care.

Am not sure how recently he has left but dont rush into to makes rash decisions regarding care, finances etc.

If you ever fancy a chat then I am sure that many of us can be supportive to you and maybe advise or ourely listen to you


Spoons and hugs

Mandie xxx

I have brought 5 children up between 2 divorces, my children are far happier since my divorce. Having a partner is hard work and when the relationship no longer works it put unnecessary pressure on everybody. You certainly have your work cut out, but your daughters will grow from your independence and inner strength. They will also see you happier without the worry of having to keep up appearances in front of them when your partner and you were unhappy together. Think of it as a complete fresh start and something to build on positively, you have even more time with your girls now as well. If you have friends and family near by, don't be shy to ask for help, and maybe you could be entitled to help caring for your younger daughter ?I am sure you will see things improve as so much stress will no longer be there. Take care and enjoy your daughters xxx:)

I agree with pattismith, relationships are great but they do take a chunk of yourself. Of course is scary at the moment but once the initial shock wears off you'll find so much more time to be with the girls and to find yourself again. The worst has already passed - the decision to split is the most difficult to take. Once you've acted on it, you are on your way to better times.

Btw, write down the reasons for splitting up and put that piece of paper aside. In the next few months while you're adjusting to everything you might find doubting your decision - that piece of paper will remind you and will give you strength.

All the very best and good for you for taking this step.

Bless you Purple-lou, I have read your previous posts and think it is fab that you have got this strength to change things. Although things may be tought for you for a while it may be that, in time, things will improve. You will start to feel even stronger emotionally when you realise you can and will get through yet another day. Maybe just take it one day at a time as sometimes the bigger picture can seem to be too much to cope with. Sending you a big hug and lots more strength and wishing you all the best xx

Hi purple-lou,

No way are you weak for thinking that way. What you've done takes an incredible amount of strength and on top of that you have the heartbreak of seeing your daughter suffer and worry about your other daughter too...I am always blown over by how much strength the people on this site have. pattiesmith had a good idea about the support for your daughter, I know this has helped friends of mine. I love Purpletop's idea about the piece of paper....it will remind you made the right decision.

You will get there, you are strong and derserve all the support you need and we are all happy to stand along side you while you do.

sending support and hugs over the airways


Intuition tells you that you have done the right thing by asking your partner to leave. It is quite understandable that you feel anxious and scared, who needs a millstone round their neck dragging them down especially when you are ill. Reading your post I would not be surprised if you and your daughters' health show signs of improvement. Be strong, be brave and you will succeed. Good luck and take care.

Keep strong and take comfort that many people understand and are here to support you.

Time is forever changing and where you are today and not where you will be tomorrow.

Deep breath, take control of what you can control and be brave.

Take care xxx

Writing your reasons on a bit of paper seems a really good idea.

When a relationship splits, at some point either of you may meet another partner.

If he should meet anyone else you may start having doubts, so having a note of your reasons will help your resolve.

Its a difficult one, but the stress of keeping up appearances may have been making you and your daughter more ill. Without that stress your illness levels or coping strategies may improve.

Let the school know about your change of circumstances in case the children need any extra support at school.

Purple-lou, you are brave and strong and I think you will be happier and find life easier when you are not struggllng with your partner. Don't shut him out of the girls' lives - so you can still get a regular break and some rest and relaxation. You'll be fine.

Take care,


Take one day at a time,Help is there for you go and find it.

Take the advice from above answerers.

and always know we are here for you also.

Love & Sunshine

Jan xx

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