I”m having a bad day today.
Mum passed away on 4th Sept. I have been so busy since then, working, dealing with things at mums home and dealing with things in my own home. Today I have a day off of work and I have just sat down and my mum is at the forefront of my thoughts, I cannot stop crying.
I will never see her again, I will never hug her, I will never tell her I love her.
Sx
Dear LaurelandCallum
So very sorry for your sad loss and grief can be so difficult to deal with.
If you wish to talk to those who specialise in grief the helpline for CRUSE Bereavement is 0808 808 16 7, their website is: cruse.org.uk/
Our own helpline number is 0800 358 7200
Take care of yourself
The Roy Castle Support Team
I am so sorry to read your post and know the feeling. My younger sister died Nov 2001 and I spent months sorting out her paperwork, selling her home, dealing with all manner of financial matters for her two daughters in trust, worked full time, registered the death, arrranged funeral with my dad. I thought keeping busy was a good way to cope with it but we cannot hold back grief - it will come out at some point and it's important to let it. I now believe if we hold in grief (or other emotions like that), they can build up inside us and emerge later in other ways such as physical health issues. Allow yourself time to cry, write a letter to her telling her all the things you wished you'd said, take some things of hers and conjure up memories of happier times, create a memory box/book or recording. For me, I saw an item on the news a few months after my sister's death showing the twin beams tribute to twin towers in New York and booked a weekend there to see Ground Zero. Somehow being in a place where not only whole families/firecrews/companies had gone, but the mood was one of acceptance if people wanted to cry, or just stand/sit and stare, or look at photos of still missing people whilst the ground was being cleared, lighting a candle in a church next to Ground Zero helped me no end. When I told people about this, they automatically assumed she had died there but no, she died a couple of weeks after her 40th birthday at her home in Birmingham. The other day I visited a church in Germany (I'm not particularly religious but do this ritual) to light a candle in her memory and found myself reminded that I will never see her again - 17 years on... We can never predict grief and how strange things can renew our memories - a song, a scent, a look, an outfit, a film they liked, a meal, visiting a place that was special, but whatever it is, treasure it. It's perfectly natural to have such strong emotions when we lose anyone we love so don't beat yourself up - just allow yourself to just 'be' - try not to fill every minute of every hour of every day with tasks, allot some time to just 'be' and permit yourself to feel sorrow. She will live on your heart and mind. I found bereavement counselling helpful (I had 6 sessions organised by my employer at the time) but know it's not for everyone. Thinking of you at this sad time.
Thankyou for your time to write a lovely email.
I said to my daughter yesterday, that every time I do something of Mums and tie it up, a final bill or cancel an insurance policy, it feels like I am taking an eraser and rubbing away a part of Mum .
My Dad passed away last year ( mum and dad had parted many years ago) and although I was obviously sad about it, I was not particularly close to my Dad and the feelings I had were very different. I think I expected to deal with mums passing in the same way but the feelings are immense and I was not prepared for how it has hit me. I’m pretty sure no-one is prepared!!!
I know it is really early days, I know it will be hard but it is so nice to speak to people like yourself that understand.
I am sorry for your loss and I am gra for your kind words.
Take care
Sonia
X
Far from erasing her existence, you are tidying up her affairs and she would have been proud that you're sorting out the 'mess' inevitably left behind in terms of bureaucratic letters/computer systems/service provider systems. Once all the paperwork is sorted, take time and consider how you may best want to remember her. Maybe you and your daughter could let off a balloon, or throw flowers in a river or whatever feels appropriate. When my partner's mum died, we planted an acer tree in our garden that has different colours all year (red snake bark in winter) and planted some of her ashes under it. We now have a living colourful tree that each time we pass it or look out of the kitchen window , reminds us of her life and how light/shade/different colours represent different parts of her. Somehow it's easier for me to accept this than the harsh stone vase stating name, date of birth and death that was the only 'memorial' permitted for my sister at the crematorium. Hope you can find your own way through this difficult time and celebrate her life when the time is right for you. best wishes x
Hi
It really is such early days & you are probably still v much in shock if it’s all happened quickly. I lost both parents last year within 3 months & my mum just 7 days after being diagnosed. As an only child a bit like you I had to go into practical mode to sort things - almost like autopilot. It was my partner, little ones & my friends & some of my mums friends that got me through it. A year on I’ve sorted the house (where I grew up), cleared things in crates (some are still in our garage) and sold the house -it’s been hard but knowing I have some of their things around me has started to give me comfort. We gave the boys (who were 5) a box each to pick special things from nana & grandads and had some memory bears made with their clothes. I also bagged up lots of warm clothes & gave them to a homeless charity - weirdly that gave me comfort last winter thinking there were people feeling warmer thanks to my parents & I know they would have been pleased. There are certain things I still don’t feel ready to do - like collect their ashes from the undertakers or sort through mum’s hospital bag. Make sure you give yourself time and don’t expect too much from yourself - you need time to just be. I lost my aunt (who I was really close to) nearly 6 years ago to this awful disease and still miss her dreadfully but know it doesn’t feel as raw and I can think back to happy memories together now. Going through that has helped me with my grief in losing mum & dad and that time does help. There’s hardly a day goes by when I don’t think I want to pick up the phone to chat to them or tell them what the boys have done at school - I comfort myself with the thought that they are looking down on us.
I hope you find your own ways to get some comfort & believe me the tears will lessen (they never go) & some smiles will come as you remember happy times together
Jo x
Hi Jo,
Thankyou you for your words.
My goodness, you have certainly had your fair share of loss and grief.
It is such an odd thing to deal with. There is nothing more certain in life than that one day we will all pass away but my goodness, it is something you can never prepare for.
My husband, Son and I were all with mum when she took her last breath. I miss her, I miss her with all my heart. We all do.
Mum was so proud that my son had just gained a University place but she never got to see him start his first day. Like you said it is wanting to share some news or a special event and she is not there to do it with.
Sonia
X
Hi Sonia
Yes it is a really odd thing to deal with and as you say something that you can never prepare for. I know exactly what you mean about the missing bit - I don’t think it ever goes away but you learn to live with it.
It’s good that she saw her grandson get his uni place - she knew he was going even if she didn’t see his first day. It was the same for me last year when it was the boys first day at school - I know mum & dad would have been so proud. They are definitely there in our hearts though and the same with your mum too.
Take care
Jo x
How are you doing I understand it's not easy for you having to sort bills and every thing else .but doing it helps you to move forward .I did do what someone else said I gave a lot off worm clothing to a homeless peaple charity .but I still have lots left that I can't seem to do anything with I open draws and cupboard to do it but shut them again. .everything will get done in your own time and I still don't sleep in our bedroom we're he died and for me that will be a year 2nd November .It will start to get easier but it's not a quick process just take things day buy day .take care Carol
Hi Carol,
I will be thinking of you.
I wish there was something I could say or do to help you get through tomorrow .
You are in my thoughts,
Sonia x x
Please don't worry about me I'm thinking off you it's very earlie days for you and will be going threw all your milestones like first birthday first Christmas first mothers day all this things will make you sad .but hopefully when they come round again they are a bit easier .for me I've done nearly all just tomorrow to get threw and the day off the funeral. So I'm hopeing this Christmas will be better then the last .well see if it is better .take care Carol xxx
Good morning Carol,
I hope you are okay today.
You are in my thoughts.
Take care.
Lots of love
Sonia
Thank you .I don't no how I feel pretty empty today xx
I hope you have some family nearby that are able to give you some support today.
Please take care
Somia
Thank you for thinking off me yes my family came down and we had a drink for Dave. Which was nice had a bit off bad news yesterday one off my good friends died she was took ill and had to go hospital on Tuesday and she died yesterday afternoon Which was a big shock she was younger then me only 61 you take care Carol xxxx
Hi Carol,
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
You are certainly going through the emotional mill just now.
Unfortunately as we get older, all we seem to hear about are people around us getting ill. I certainly is question my own health and mortality!
I definitely live for today because you just never know what tomorrow may bring.
Please take care
Sonia
I agree with that nobody knows what's coming round the corner take care xx. Carol
I'm ok. how are you .how are you feeling still a little lost .have you sorted every thing you need to .I think it hits you more when there is nothing more you have to do .more time on your hands more time to think .does going to work make it a little bit easier .take care xx. Carol
Hi Carol,
I am feeling okay.
Working definitely helps in the day but the evenings seem long. I work away from home 4 days a week so when I finish work I have too much time on my hands to just think about things. I am having to get Probate before I can settle mums affairs so everything is taking time and moving slowly.
I constantly seem to be driving from one place to another. I’m sure I will get there in the end.
I do have a very nice long break over the Christmas period and I am looking forward to spending time with my family.
How about you, what plans have you made if any?
Take care,
Sx
Not a lot really .I will see family but to be honest I want a quite Christmas not one off partying and drinking to much not ready for that yet .I had all my kids and grandkids for Christmas last year Dave had only been gone 7 weeks it was the worst Christmas I have ever had .I couldn't do it again . Have you got children xx
I totally understand how you feel. It is a really tricky situation because you don’t want to be all alone but sometimes when there are too many people or too much is going on it is overwhelming .
My mum wasn’t a christmassy person and usually preferred to spend it quietly at her own home. I know it will still be difficult but I will not be looking at a certain chair thinking she should be sitting in it.
I have 2 children, a daughter 35 and a son 18 (A big age gap) . I also have a granddaughter 13 courtesy of my daughter.
Xxxxxx
That's nice so will you have them for Christmas or will you go to them .I just feel I want to just have a am quite one .I had 13 for dinner so it was an odd a mount we're if Dave had off been there there would off been 14 .so that upset me then handing gifts out .from start to finish it was a nightmare they can visit but I'm not cooking they can all have there own Christmas dinner .I haven't told them yet 😂😂 you take care speak again soon hopefully your be able to sort out your mum's things soon. Xxx
Aww bless you. I think this early on it is right for you to do what feels right for you. I am sure they will understand. Your mental well-being is extremely important right now. Are they close enough to just pop in and see them perhaps for an hour?
Yes we have them all coming to us. Between 13 and 15 in total.
Do you work?
Sonia
X x x x
My son lives in Harlow Essex my daughter lives in Bletchley near Milton Keynes and Carole lives in Grenidge..who's cooking for them all .No don't work I used to then Dave got ill I stoped as he need quite a lot off looking after Dave was 73 when he died .so his pension sorted us both then after he died I really struggled. I became really depressed and had anxiety panic attacks I'm on quite a lot off medication at the moment .so far in a year I've had 6 family and friends die my brother has been diagnosed with bladder cancer now so it has been one thing after another what about you what work do you do I'll be 64 in February xx
Oh Carol,
You poor thing. It’s relentless isn’t it!!
I am 50. I live in Grantham Lincolnshire, I work as a Nanny in Bucks. My son is at uni in Lincoln. My daughter is also in Lincolnshire. The rest of all our family are in Northampton.
Long 12hr days at work.
It can be tiring but I do have Friday off which I really enjoy.
Have you thought about perhaps doing a little volunteer work or would that be too much right now? Just take things in your own time!!
Sx x x
Thanks for understanding I don't like to say to much .about how things are mentally for me it's been very hard .Dave was very ill for quite some time and when it went to his brain it was even more hard .my counsellor doesn't think I'm ready to go to work yet even volunteering .so your a Nanny do you enjoy that I was a registered child minder for 20 years xx
It’s okay. When my Stepdad passed away very suddenly my mum found it really hard to cope. She too had medication and to be honest she was never as upbeat again. She did develop coping mechanisms and it did help. You will get through it. Like I said you just have to do it at your own pace.
Yes I love my job. I was a childminder when my sone was really young, I then worked in a nursery for many years, I have now been a Nanny off the last 7 years.
I am with a really incredible family.
S x x x x
That's nice .I loved childminding too having them from baby's till they left at 11 quite a lot off them some off my early ones have children off there own now xxx
Hi Carol,
How are you doing?
Sx
Hi there,
I hope you have been doing okay?
Thinking of you
Sonia
X x
Hi Carol,
I really hope you are doing okay?
You haven’t replied to my previous couple of messages, it’s unlike you.
I know you were struggling a bit. Please do not deal with your feelings by yourself, there are lots of people you can speak to, including me.
I really hope you are okay??
Sx
I'm ok thanks I've had a chest infection I never saw your message .hasn't it got cold. How are you doing I bet your dreading Christmas last year it was hard for me but becouse it was very soon after Dave went I got threw it this year I'm really missing him we all ways went shopping for the grandchildren presses togeather as I don't drive and he was like a big kid . I have asked my family to come up a different day I just want to be on my own Christmas day last year I had the whole family 14 for dinner .I just couldn't face it this year .I lost another friend he was a freind off both Dave and me .His funaral is Friday his having horse and carriage. Not looking forward to it but even though he had only got out off hospital that morning he still came to Dave's. I will be glad when this year has gone I have lost 6 family and friends..well that's all about me how's things for you what you been doing xxx carol
Are you ok xx
Hi there,
Yes I am sorry, I am fine.
I was really pleased to see a reply from you, although I am sorry to hear you have been unwell. I hope you are feeling much better now.
I have been working some incredibly long days this week but I start my Xmas break next Tuesday, so just a few more days before I get some time to myself. (Well fingers crossed in that one) It seems like it has been months since I had a day where nothing was planned.
I am glad you have sorted the Christmas plans with your family, I hope it has made you feel a little better.
Every year I say I am going to be more organised and I always fail 😩, never mind.
Take care and look after yourself.... oh and by the way... it’s perfectly fine to talk about you.
Thinking of you
Sx x x x
It's nice to hear from you too .glad your getting some free time .my family understood that I just wanted a quite Christmas. It's been a long year and I miss dave a lot and feel lonely quite often you know that thing when your in a room full off peaple but you still feel lonely that is what it's like for me my counceller said this is quite normal she said for the first 6 months you are feeling numb and you haven't really took it all in then it hits you like a slap in the face that his not coming back you are on your own and that's when the lonelyness starts to kick in .my counseler is very nice and she makes me understand my feelings .she says when you have been with someone as long as I have nearly 43 years those feelings don't just go in a year .sorry for rambling on I had started to think I was going mad the way I felt you take care anytime you want a chat message me .enjoy your break .xxxx
I can totally empathise how you must be feeling.
My mum was exactly the same when my stepdad passed away. She had been with him over 25 years. He passed away very suddenly and in awful circumstances. Mum had been looking after my Son over a holiday period and had brought him back to our house. She tried phoning my step dad when she arrived and he didn’t answer. She tried again the next day and there was still no reply. She didn’t really take too much notice as he often went outside in the garden and visited his mum (it was also when mobiles were not quite so relied upon).
When mum went home, he was found dead in the garden. He had, had a massive bleed on the brain, he would have died before hitting the floor.
Mum was devastated. She never got to say goodbye, I love you! She was never the same after that. Part of her died too.
I really didn’t understand until she passed away herself just how painful it all is.
Mum did learn to lead a full life, she was happy with what she had and did but there was always a little part of her missing.
I wish I had been a little more understanding of that.
You will be fine, you will get by, you will learn to enjoy time with family and friends but there will always be times when you miss him, when you wish he was there.
Talking about him is good for you and so is talking about your feeling.
What’s that new saying. “””it’s okay to not be okay”””.
Stay strong,
Sonia
Thanks it's nice you understand .becouse Dave's cancer spread to his brain made it harder as the last 6 weeks he became nasty he hit out he didn't know half the time who we was .he lost all his facltys .compleaty incontinent both ways .he didn't want to wash he didn't want any one to clean him it was horrible now and again the old him cane back I hope your ok xxx
I am doing okay...!today.
Yes mum was much the same. She started to fall over a lot in hospital and started to talk rubbish... I knew it wasn’t the morphine because no one else was reacting to it like that. I queried it with her oncologist, he rebuffed my concerns. I had a bit of a set to with him actually as he said mum could go home for a weekend. (She could barely bloody walk) Then after more scans it was confirmed it had spread to her brain. She too became in continent. I am glad in a way she was so out of it (because of the spread and the meds). She would have been mortified to know she was like that.
It is not nice to see someone literally dying, day by day,before your eyes.
My biggest comfort still, is that she is no longer in pain.
Sx x x
It's horrible for them to lose all there faculties and there dignarty I'm on my way to Newcastle it's Dave's sisters 50th wedding aniversary my daughter is driving me have a nice weekend message again soon xx
Hi Carol,
I hope you have a nice time. I am sure it must be really difficult to be going to a family event without Dave. Try to enjoy it as much as you can.
We are going to Lincoln Christmas Market today, meeting up the our Son. Probably spend lots of money on stuff we don’t need. 🤔
Speak soon,
Sonia
X x x
Have a good time try not spend to much .Im quite dreading it I brought Christmas card up for an it says on the front sister and brother in law then I've just realised she isn't my sister she's Dave's xxx
In all intense and purpose you are her sister. If you always bought her a card with that on when Dave was alive then I am sure she would not want you to call her anything else!
X x
We always did .we have got about half an hour to go it's such a long way to go xx
Take care,
Are you driving back tonight?
Hi yer how are you .It was lovely going to see Dave's family .It was a bit tearful as they talked off Dave and bill not shore if I told you bill was Dave's brother who passed a way 4 months after Dave with lung cancer too we were very close to bill in fact it was threw bill and his wife that I meet Dave. So being up there was lovely but sad to many memories. How's things for you all ready for Christmas. Are you looking forward to it or dreading it xxxx
Hi Carol,
I am so pleased that on the whole you had a lovely time. I am sure there were times when the memories came flooding back and that must have been painful for you too.
I am actually looking forward to Xmas. Perhaps more than anything just for the break, which I really need.
I feel I have been living life at a thousand miles an hour.
I scattered Mums ashes on Tuesday at the place she asked me too. Again I think because it was what she wanted and had asked me to do, I actually felt okay about it, sad, but okay.
How are you doing?
Are you okay?
S x x x
I still have Dave's I keep saying I will but then it feels like his gone for ever I know that sounds a bit mad .but if I'm In the room we're he is I chat to him I don't mean a big conversation I mean things like if I've done some thing stupid I might say I bet you think that was funny or I put all the decorations up and I said I bet you think I've done to much and it looks like Santa's grotto and think off the electric with all them lights things he would say if he was a live and here xxx
I had mum at my house since her cremation. I did the same. I used to come home and cuddle the box she was in and talk to her. I bought one of her favourite cardigans home with me this time, so I cuddle that now ( and it’s a bit softer). I still talk to her all the time.
I think I always will
S x x
So I'm not the only one that's talks to them .I know one day it will be time but it isn't yet for me xx
Some people can never let them go...
Don’t feel you have too. If it’s right for you to keep him with you then do that x x x
Thanks for that my step daughter thinks I should be thinking off doing that but I'm just not ready xx
Don’t do it until you are ready and if you’re never ready just don’t do it
X x x
I'm not .I'll know I think when I'm ready xxx
I hope you had a lovely Christmas with your family .And Santa left you one lovely presents are back home or still away xxx carol
Hi Carol,
I hope you had a nice Christmas too.
We still have family here until the 29th.
It will be nice to get our home back to ourselves though 😂😂😂.
We are going to the pantomime tonight so that will be nice.
How are you?
Did you find it better or worse being partly alone?
I hope you are okay?
Speak soon
Sonia
Have to Lough really I wanted a really quite then a freind had split up from her partner she's 30 she has a 2 half year old boy she said she was on her own for Christmas so I said why don't you come round for Christmas dinner I couldn't see her on her own any way she came her little boy is the most noughtyest boy I have ever meet his like the devel child 😂 first he nearly striped my tree then he knocked everything off my side table so my plant came out the pot on to floor the pot poura shot all over the room my phone flew under the sofa then the little bugger tiped his mum's drink up side down so drink went every we're she was trying to wipe that up as he tipped her dinner all over the floor .so quite an event fall day I didn't have chance to feel sad I was so knackered I was glad to go to bed at 10 glad your Christmas was good enjoy pantomime haven't been to one in years xxx
It was but it got me threw the day .but I won't be inviting them next year xxx
How are you doing everything back to normal for you .another one off my friends died the day after boxing day a van knackered her and she hit her head on the curb it turns out the driver over took a car by the lights which was red and cliped her her funaral is Friday I've known her since she was little I was friends at school with her sister she was only 55 she was teacher but she trained to look after young teenagers with behaviour problems she was well loved we're she worked there was hundreds off flowers put on the gate and fence we're she worked and lots off messages from the kids xx
Hi there,
Oh my goodness that is so sad.
You just do t know what is around the corner do you?
I have really learnt a valuable lesson that we should make the most of every day because you just don’t know when your number is up.
All is back to normal for me.
I hope you are doing okay??? Do you have anything planned for this year that you can get your teeth into??
Take care,
Sonia
My friends booked a holiday for us just a week first week in June so looking forward to that .went to my friends funeral last Friday there was over a 1000 peaple there so what you got planed xx
Are you ok xx
Hi Carol,
I’m so sorry.
I am fine. Just been very busy.
All is good.
I am so pleased you are going to be getting away. The fact that you are looking forward to it, is also really good to hear.
I haven’t got much planned at the moment. Trying to catch up where we have had some work done in our house. Dust everywhere 😤😤.
I can hardly believe it’s already been a month since Christmas.
Where does the time go?
I hope you are doing well???
Take care
Sonia
Xxxx
I'm doing ok they seem to have my meds at the right level as I feel happier in my self which I haven't felt in a long time hopefully will stay this way for a while and then hopefully be able to stop them all togeather I know it's not going to be a quick fix. But it's something to work too .what you been having done in your house .glad your ok too xx
How's things for you .I had my holiday it was lovely still have up and down days but more up then down so slowly getting there still miss him but am moving forward hope your keeping well xx carol
Hi Carol,
It is so nice to hear from you.
I’m really pleased you had a good time on holiday. Where did you go?
I am also glad you are starting to feel a bit better within yourself.
It is difficult, so so difficult but the last thing, any of our loved ones would want, is for us to be sad for the rest of our lives.
I now live my life for the two of us.
If I want to do something then I do it, whereas before I probably would have thought “I’ll do that some other time”.
Well, I now know there may not be some other time, so I live life for the now.
I think of Mum every day, there are times when I laugh a lot at the memories and then there is perhaps a day here and there when I cry a lot. But that’s okay because I know it’s all part of the grieving process.
Please please do keep in touch.
Sonia
X x x
It's like that for me too good and bad days.going on holiday (spain)was a big step for me I had lots off guilt feelings was it to soon was it being disloyal going a way and having fun when my husband was no longer here would he be happy with me going I struggled with myself to make the decision to go or not .but I am glad I went .and deep down I know Dave would off wanted me too move forward with my life I will never forget Dave he will allways be in my heart but I need to be me a again .I went threw a lot I had counceling I was under a psychiatrist. I even started hurting myself .it's been a long 19 months but I feel now I'm getting threw it it was lovely hearing back from you .Xx Carol
He definitely would have wanted you to move forward and have an enjoyable albeit different life.
I am so pleased you went away. It was probably the best thing you could have done.
S x x
Thank you speak again soon xxx
Early days and really scared
Not so good/not so bad
Most dreaded day of my life
