Hello everyone, today we have for you an update on Emily's Postpartum journey.
Emily is a true inspiration and sharing her experience is testament to how instrumental peer support can be in helping to overcome and manage health conditions. Speaking your truth and feeling safe enough to share what you're going through is something which many of us find challenging. Like Emily, finding people you can trust can help you realise you are not alone and that being open about how you feel can be life changing, let alone saving.
Have you had a similar experience/ find this relatable? Please share in the replies below to connect with others going through the same thing as you.
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Emily's 2020 story
Original post can be found here: healthunlocked.com/latest/p...
"Hello again. As I’m writing this, I’m amazed at how fast the last year and a half went. My beautiful daughter is going to be eighteen months just next month. And we are having a lot of fun.
The last article I wrote was about my initial week as I was admitted to the hospital for Postpartum Psychosis, and mostly about how people reacted or responded to my unusual behavior. I’m happy to report my relationships with my family members are good and strong. I feel less shame; but I do admit sometimes it creeps up on me.
I remember thinking during my daughter’s baptism in May: These people supported me through the thick and thin. I was struggling back then, and they were there to help me up. You’ve probably heard the saying It takes a village to raise a child. Well, I have known now that it takes at least half that village to help the mom.
Honestly, sometimes I say to myself I just lived through possibly the worst-case mental episode anyone could have, and I survived! I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. What’s one of the worst things, mentally? Feeling like you don’t know what is going on. At least that’s how I would define it.
But you get through it, you wake up and feel a little better than the day before and consider that progress and a good sign that things will look up.
Something I don’t talk to anyone about is when you’re weaned off the medications. This can happen gradually, but it can feel like there’s abrupt shifts to your mentality. I was weaned off Depakote and halidol. And let me tell you – I was MUCH more awake and myself after that! But, I admit it was probably needed to stabilize myself. It takes COURAGE, though, to say to yourself I’m getting better. I won’t relapse. I remember my Aunt on my dad’s side exclaiming “Well what if it doesn’t work!” Ye of little faith, I say.
Life with my baby girl has been rewarding. But anyone that went through PP knows it takes time. There’s a lot of inner healing that is needed. I sometimes get all Journalism-ey and want to do an investigative report ratting out Palos Hospital’s unit for how they treated me. They actually added to my confusion.
You want those early days with your baby back! That precious time. And sometimes you blame everyone, and anyone. I even wrote a yelp review about how my OB/Gynecologist didn’t visit me or follow up properly, which led or at least contributed to my hospital stay a week later.
Sadly, you don’t get that particular early time back, because you were unwell. Whether family members should have not tried to self medicate you at home or not with xanax; whether you were breastfeeding or not; whether you saw your doctor and he didn’t question anything, it is done. Whether you have a mental disorder or not, it is done. Whether your aunt urges you to apply for disability when you don’t; whether your husband asks you to fill out FMLA, and you do, it is done.
You can’t undo it; but you can grow from it. The way I’m choosing to grow is to educate. THIS WHOLE THING could have been prevented with vigilance. And women don’t have to feel shame alone! They don’t have to cope alone or try and find fault within themselves. This isn’t my fault, nor my husband’s. And that truth has given me so much comfort.
But getting back to my recovery. One of the things I remember doing is ordering my favorite eyeshadow from Sephora online. I ordered two sets of Amethyst Obsession, which I applied after months of not wearing any makeup. Best purchase ever. I also ordered Jewel, the singer’s book of poems, A Night Without Armor. I also went to the dentist to get one of my front teeth polished. I had a brown spot from not brushing at the hospital. It was expensive, but man did I feel like a model afterward! I started to smile in my selfies. I started getting in a routine with my baby. At six months we felt perfectly in sync. And I still feel that way a year and a half later. You have to take care of yourself too.
I wondered how her first Birthday would be. Would I dote on the good times or would I still think of the traumatic time? I thought of the good times, and how thankful I am for her, and took the bad time in stride. It was a sense of great accomplishment! We kept the party small, thankfully. I enjoyed it very much, and I believe so did everyone else! Happy First Birthday to my daughter and to many more birthdays!!
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Emily's 2021 update:
Hello, it's me, Emily. It's been a year since I last wrote.
I'm sharing this as an update to my postpartum experience.
I wish I could say I'm over it. I wish I could shut the door on it. But yet, thinking of that time gives me vicious flashbacks.
I don't ever want to go to the hospital again.
The staff at my hospital did not treat me like a human being. They didn't know me and they didn't care about me. They didn't even orient me as to what day it was or ask me why I was there to help me piece my memory and things together.
One of the biggest causes to my hospital stay was how I lost my mom in 2017.
I kept trying to blame other people for causing my episode! But probably I just need to look at the facts.
I lost my mom in 2017. She had Stage Four lung cancer. She fought it for about a year with chemo and radiation, but ultimately the stress of the disease caused a brain aneurism and we lost her on September 9th, the date of her Wedding Anniversary.
She was the strongest person I have ever known. Seeing her fighting cancer, being drained of her usually high energy, broke my heart. But I never talked about it.
When my daughter was born, I didn't know who to turn to. Nobody really could compare to the support my mother provided. I had my mother-in-law who is as sweet as can be, but she is very different from how my mom was.
My mom took care of me like a nurse when I had my first depressive episode when I turned twenty five. We did a lot of things together like going to the grocery store, shopping and going out to eat. I remember when I couldn't even eat half of a wrap for lunch. I lost about nine pounds from not eating much. But she helped me recover. She helped me enroll in exercise classes and helped me gain confidence. I enrolled in Physical Therapy school.
Sometimes life throws weird, unfortunate events at us, and our brain tries to understand why they happened. I'm still searching for the reason why this hospital stay happened. I think it was to show me I need to trust my intuition. I knew something wasn't right at the time. I even told my husband " I don't feel like myself." I wish I would've talked to my doctor and told him how I was truly feeling. But my dad and husband seemed to be trying to cover up my actions so badly, that I didn't feel I could be honest.
Psychosis is the feeling that at any second an emergency will happen. You're in a very high state of anxiety and fear. You feel the world is unpredictable. And I feel for anyone that has experienced this.
My doctor called it "the perfect storm". - losing mom and then having a baby (without mom here). I just wish he could've seen it sooner.
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Emily has given us consent to share her story.
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