Too Little, Too Late

I have always suffered from low moods. It could well be the result of years of drug abuse when I was young. I have never been able to talk to anyone about how I feel and what is constantly swirling round inside my head. Everything gets bottled up but this only results in explosions every so often. I've contemplated suicide a few times but it was the thought of leaving my wife and daughter that made me change my mind. I love them, and all of my family. I worry about things too much. Big things and little things. If someone told me that their dog had ran away, I would sit and think about it constantly, lying in bed at night, unable to sleep. Stupid, I know.

I've never had any confidence, which is the main reason I took drugs. I cannot make eye contact with people or engage in conversation with people. I just clam up and go red, scared of what they think of me. I want people to like me, so I act the fool, telling jokes, making people laugh. It's all just a facade. Inside, I'm a nervous and emotional wreck.

I have been on antidepressants a lot of times, taken them for a few months, then thought to myself that I didn't need them. So, I stopped taking them. I was unwilling to admit that I have a mental health problem. My one true friend, my wife, has supported me throughout our fifteen years, consoling me when I am down. She has always been there for me. She was so worried about me, making herself bad. I was so wrapped up in myself and my problems that I didn't stop to think about her.

When I felt good, things seemed fine. I'd do my chores around the house, we'd have a right laugh and enjoy our time together. Then I'd start feeling down again. The viscous circle returns.

This past few months have been the final straw for my wife. Yet again, I've been too wrapped up in my own feelings, taking her for granted. She went back to her mum's the other day. I know she needed to do it for herself but it hasn't made it any easier. She is back at home now which is a great relief to me. I know I'm being selfish yet again by saying this, but I cannot manage without her. Never did I expect things to return to normal when she said she was staying. I knew I had to change, to accept things.

I just miss those certain things. Her smile, holding of hands, the hug when she gets home from work. All those things that I always thought trivial. She still doesn't know if she wants to stay. Obviously she needs time to think it out. I know it is probably a case of 'too little, too late' but this has been the kick up the arse I needed. I am committed to showing her that I can accept my depression, work with it and overcome it. To show her that I can think of others and not just myself.

The first step took place this morning. I went to the doctors. I am starting to take my medication again. This time however, I will not stop taking it when I think I am ok. I know that there is more than my health at risk here. I am also responsible for the health of my wife and daughter. Responsible for my marriage. I just hope that it is not a case of 'too little, too late'.

I love you Kay

6 Replies

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  • You are very strong to share this story with us. I hope you tell your wife the little things you appreciate so much about her so she knows you don't take her for granted.

    My thoughts are with you xx

  • Thank you. I have taken her for granted for the fifteen years we have been together. You can only push someone so far before something snaps.

  • You have suffered, and are suffering, a huge amount. It's no one's 'fault' so try not to beat yourself up for how you are (easy to say, I know). You have insight, you want to get better and you are motivated; and you have taken the first steps to show your wife that you are trying to face how and who you are and seek sustained help and support. This will be a huge relief to her and to you and your family. You can't do this alone and you now realised it. It's no shame to ask for help - it's a sign of strength and courage so you can congratulate yourself. It won't be easy and there will be frustrations and pitfalls but keep going because you have everything to gain. You sound as if you have a very strong relationship underneath all the problems you've described. Make sure your wife knows how much you love and appreciate her and value her ongoing support but that you recognise that she too needs support (apologies if you've already been doing this!). If you haven't heard of them I recommend your wife contacts Rethink - it's a national support group for carers and for families and partners of those suffering mental health issues and illness. There could be a local group in your area she could attend or contact. It's worth a try anyway. And well done for making the first significant changes!

  • That's a great point you make about being motivated. After all, everyone on here has at the very least come on here looking for help & support. That's the first step in trying to get better or deal with depression in a better way.

    Also great point about Rethink. Do you think a lot of people are aware of this organisation? It could be very helpful to post a blog about it so people can mention it to their family members.

    Thanks hedgecrone xx

  • Oh - and I don't think it's ever 'too late'. Not till the fat lady sings!

  • Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear about all the difficulties you are having. It sounds as though you are having a hard time.

    You link them to the years of drug taking but I imagine you turned to drugs because you already had difficult experiences or feelings you couldn't cope with and that drugs offered relief or an escape. The drugs may have done damage but it is more likely that without the drugs you become depressed for other reasons.

    You say you lack confidence and I wonder whether you lacked confidence as a child? It sounds to me like depression has been around for a long time and that it would be helpful for you to talk with someone about the way you are feeling rather than endlessly taking medication which you clearly feel has not been working well.

    The fact that yu can write freely on the website and remember happy times with your wife and miss her suggests you are able to form relationships.

    I suggest you ask your GP to refer you to someone who you can talk to, not just about how you feel now your wife has left but also about the things that led you to turn to drugs. That way I believe you can break away from the need for medication.

    I do hope you ask for that help.

    Suexx

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