My fiancé has wronged me one to many times. Now I can't forgive her

[Joey-the-Sloth]

I'm not sure how I'm meant to say this. I've never put my problems for randoms to read. Well fuck it I'll try. Too start off I have mental health problems. I've been suffer with psychosis for the past year. Before I was medicated I was hearing voices and impulse thoughts were just common day to day life now and I was struggling. I hated life. I worked for a furniture company for years and I was making okay money. I just started a new relationship and I was happy. Until she got pregnant a week in. I had two girls with a pervious relationship but it didn't work out. I see the girls every weekend which is great. But now I have a random girl pregnant and I'm not ready. It had been 2 months since I left my last relationship it was too fast. I wasn't ready so I asked to have an abortion because I'm 22 I was 21 at the time and the thought of so much responsibility scared me. She said no she wanted to keep. Then threatened she would throw me away I've I brought it up again. I was angry, furious in fact I felt used. Moving on a few month me and the same girl are together and I'm still ill as fuck I haven't bit the bullet and spoke to the doctors about my psychosis at this point. We lived in a tiny two bedroom flat. I left my flat to try make this between us work. Even though I was massively pissed with this girl I feel in love with her and until this day I love her. Her family and friends and herself are talking to me in grave detail of her exs. Sexual content is be described and day's out. She had an abused ex and he was a great topic to be brought up on a weekly basis. Not just by her but her family and friends. They were together years before I was on the sence so I didn't understand why this was spoke about so regularly. Now my head is filled with all this detailed information of her past. Voices are telling me to hurt myself to kill myself. I'm not worth anything and she's using me to get more money. She doesn't really want me. Now I understand this is my head causing my suffering but sadly I didn't see it then. She was causing so much anxiety and uncomfortable situations for me. I just was forced to such off my emotions as I was being hurt and in my eyes disrespected on a weekly basis so I turned everything inside off. Emotions were on holiday to don't get a fuck land and I've stayed that way for months. Her life before I met her was fine She didn't work she hadn't worked for years. She had a son to look after. In my eyes he's my son we have such a spectacular bond that's been created over the past year and a half. So anyway I lost my job I got payed off, so lost my car, that meant I lost my friends as I couldn't travel the 20 miles to see them. I had no money and a baby enroute. Now at this point my ex is taken me to solicitors because she's not happy with me moving on. Right the bring anyone not following up to speed with my issues. Head is fucked with voices and depression, my ex is fucking me over. Current girl is taking advantage of me and not caring for me as a person, new baby on the way but no job and unable to claim benefits to even just have something. I was fucked emotionally and in reality. This is still on my mind everything she has done. Currently we live in a big 3 bed flats so it more than spacious for us. But she's now constantly bring up names from the past but now I know every detail and now I find it difficult to even look at her when it happens because of every thing that happened. She does this weekly and now I feel trapped and on my own. The baby is 7 months old and she is hard to cope with. She very very grumpy all day every day. She's not a very happy child at the moment and needs constant attention. But I struggle with that part as I hate myself how can I help my daughter that was never ready for. I feel my life is on hold and will be for the ray of my life because I can't have the space or time to get better to be better. Any advice or is anyone as a similar experience and can help me. Then it would be a massive help thank you. Out

[Xzina_x]

I have similar mental health issues to you.

Firstly, you need to get help with your mental health. Go see you GP or CPN or whoever you can. Do you take medication? Are you taking it? If you're not on meds, could you be? Are there unexplored therapy and support options?

Secondly, it seems like you have some issues to sort out with your partner. It sounds like she still has issues from her past abusive relationship. Is there some support she can access in regards to this? Perhaps if she had more support from services her mood would improve and then it wouldn't impact on your mood like it is now. It may also be worth looking into couples counselling, you can sometimes get it for free on the NHS or free/low cost through charities.

Finally I would suggest you look at your financial support options and revisit your entitlement to benefits. Go to a local Citizens Advice Bureau, they can help.

In the meantime big hugs, this too shall pass x