For some reason i have this feeling in the back of my head that writing this is a mistake. I don't know why, it just is.
I'm 19 , i love my friends and my family and i know they love me too, they are all moving on with theyr lives , but i fell stuck , stuck with a feeling of numbness and void , meaningless , i feel like a failure. I don't see a point in living on anymore, i'm scared of becoming just another brick in the wall , always unhappy and annoyed at myself for being a failure , even though i know i am the only one that can change that i don't see myself doing it , i don't feel good with myself. Why?
Am i suicidal? No. Have i considered or imagine myself doing it ? Yes. But every time i do , i think about all the pain that would cause , to my friends , my mother and my little sister , so i stop , and i move on . Do i wish to keep on living? i don't know. I feel like i have no reason to. I don't feel joy on things anymore , and i'm stuck with a routine that feel like tar.
I'm not overweight , i don't have an stressfull job (i'm unemployed for that matter) , i go out with my friends a lot, i guess those are the reasons behind this constant shout of "stop feeling sorry for yourself" whipping my back as i am writing this. I don't have facebook or twitter have never felt that these thing were useful. I have never tried to find a serious relatioship , although a lot of people , including my psicologist have said that it would help , i don't think its worth the trouble.
Currently i don't have hobby, i (try to) to things i like doing from time to time , reading , drawing , i even tried some carpenting fixing a table and a door here and there but i've been losing inspiration over time and that worries me . At first i did these things for myself , but eventually it turned into a constant "fishing" for approval , i stoped feeling happy about my works , even when everyone i asked about said it was ok
I feel constantly annoyed at myself , sometimes when i am home alone i listen to calm music , mostly flute and violin...they help me relax and meditate while i talk to my counsciousness.
I have never seen a doctor about this because i dont know if this is really depression or lazyness or something of these sorts and i don't want to turn into a problem for anyone,
I'm sorry for this wall of text and for dumping my problems here , but i kinda have no one else to talk to about this.