This is weird for me I'm so used to bottle up my feelings. I think i might have depression. But i find it so hard to tell anyone because I'm known as the happy-go-lucky girl.
My dad has depression and I've been aware of it all my life, I think the reason I just don't know whether or not i I have it is because it manifests differently for me. I'm not at rock bottom but I'm scared of getting any worse.
Two years ago I went through a period of self harm, I only ever told one person and I self treated to stop. At the time I thought my self-harm wasn't really self harm, I even called it 'Self help' because I thought I need to be punished as I let my 'talent' go to waste and I thought no one gave me the kick up the bum needed. At my low point I cut the word 'waste' into my leg and stroke a razor when I thought I was about to let my self go to 'waste' again. I refuse to get like that again. I don't know if I'm being melodramatic or if i have a problem.
I haven't washed in 4 days,Ii haven't done the work I told myself I needed to do, I've ignored all my friends messages and all I want to do is lie in bed and eat I don't even want to watch tv. I constantly feel on edge and then every hours or so I'll have a brief mild panic attack. However I have the capability to be happy, I can joke around with my brother, I don't feel suicidal or hopeless, I don't feel an urge to self harm again and I don't deserve to feel like this I have a good life.
I just want the general feeling of panic and lack of life to go away. I want to be me again. Is anyone feeling like this? What should I do?