Hello, I'm new here as well. After reading a few posts I found I can relate to most of what everyone here is feeling.
I started with panic attacks when 17 from college stress, usual lack of social acceptance and friends, and a short anorexia episode. I went on pills for a while, which didn't do much, then on therapy for a year. But although I thought therapy helped at the time, it actually made me very emotional, like it broke the walls i built before.
After I opted for an art university, something which I enjoyed doing. My parents divorced (it was quite bad), and I moved to UK. For the first time, at uni here I had fun, relaxed, got many friends and enjoyed myself, while hearing about my parent's problems (my mother's abusive boyfriend and having to ask my father every month for money to live here).
After uni, when I started working last year , I realized that I couldn't be a designer as I would never earn enough. So I went on an accounting grad scheme.
For the past 4-5 months I've started feeling very down. Since I stared work one year ago and moved to London from uni I haven't made one friend, except one former best friend from college i see every month or two. I socialize with co-workers, and that helps a lot, but once I'm at home I feel sad. This week I've been on leave, and every day I've cried a few times alone at home and before sleeping. I'm also stressed about some exams I will have in a few months, which could cost me my job. The problem is, I cry suddenly and keep thinking I'm a failure because I didn't follow my passion (as my dad said, who tells me off for making him pay for uni), because I don't have friends and never had a relationship (and my family also has been pressuring me about this since I was 16).
Before the first panic attacks and therapy I was always sad, but strong and kept it all inside.
I would like to know if there's a way to calm down the depression on my own? I think I used art as a coping mechanism for years, but now as I feel I've 'failed' in it, it doesn't make me feel good anymore. The truth is, I like being alone, but it makes me feel so uncontrollably sad.