I've come to the realisation I self harm...
... not in the way that may be considered 'main stream'.
To put it into context. I lost a lot a weight a while back and am now finding it hard to keep it off. I've asked for help from my GP. But because I'm no longer in the 'danger' area, even thought I'm still technically obese, I don't qualify for help.
I instead turn to other chemical methods to remove the food from me. I've also turned to physical methods to remove food from me.
Unfortunately I appear to have caused physical damage to myself this time and it is why I finally realised it may actually be harmful. Thought I screwed my kidney up this time.
But. I don't know how I can actually get help when no one wants to help. I am unable to stop myself from eating the foods because they are linked to the depression I have. Then the visual effect it has on me and the lack of support feeds back into the depression.
Any attempt to speak to people about the depression, even those supposed friends, is just a "you've got to try" and I just want to punch them as people that should understand more than others (people with similar conditions to my own).
Telling someone may be the first step, but it's going to be the hardest thing to do due to the nature of the problem. This is just the first admission to myself more than anything.